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The Wit And Wisdom of Comedian Jim Gaffigan!

Some of you might be familiar with comedian Jim Gaffigan, (Beyond the Pale, King Baby).

Well, being a “Twitterer”, I follow Jim’s “tweets”, & some of them are hilarious.

I will continue to post them, as I get them!

(I could kill myself, for not thinking to do this earlier!)

These are all tweets that I have received from Jim.

1. “Why do we look, after we have used a tissue? What do we expect to find? ‘Look, a pocket watch!’”

2. “Has anyone used the term more dumb”, & not sounded more dumb?”

3. “Seeing someone in their underwear is either arousing or terrifying. One of the reasons that I never wear any.”

4. “I think anyone who buys Extenze should not allowed to vote. Proof that it doesn’t work: the name Extenze”

5. “Did the person who invented the tofu dog ever actually eat a hot dog?”

6.”At night: ‘Yea, Jalapenos!’

In the morning: ‘Boo, Jalapenos!’”

7. “I think that it’s weird when personal trainers are out of shape.

‘You should do some sit-ups.

I never do, but you should””

8. “JUST FINISHED A MARATHON!

Sure, it was a marathon nap, but I’m still proud of myself. I’m glad that I carb loaded beforehand.”

9. “Can’t believe they named a piece of excersize equipment the treadmill. ‘Oh, I can’t wait to get on the treadmill. That doesn’t sound boring.’”

10. “The winter vest is really the thong of coats.

Of the 2, I probably look better in the vest.”

11. “Has anyone wearing a neck brace ever NOT looked like they were faking it?

‘It’s awkward, but the insurance settlement will be worth it.’”

12.”Just had some laundry done at the hotel.

Now, I can’t afford to send my kids to college.”

13. “Eating crab is too much work.

They are the pistachio of seafood.”

14. “Parents are like comedians.

I don’t assume they are crazy, but the odds are pretty good.”

15. “Fall is here. It is one of my favorite days of the year.”

16. “This morning stuff happens waaaaaay too early!”

17.”The hayride. It’s a bumpy uncomfortable ride AND I get to sit on hay? Sign me up!”

18. “If I were president, all beer would be served colder”

19. “Is it me or are steakhouses an inch away from being a strip club?”

20. “Had to throw a bottle of urine and a dead rat in the garbage. Just another day at the park in NYC with my kids. (wish I was exaggerating)

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1,104 Responses to “The Wit And Wisdom of Comedian Jim Gaffigan!”

  1. “What is that chemical in Doritos that makes you HAVE to eat the entire bag after you eat just one?”

  2. “Indian food should be considered a hate crime to your bowels.”

  3. “Dear Indian food: There is a difference between spicy and lethal. P.S. Um can I use your bathroom?”

  4. ‘That song “I like to move it move it” does make me want to move it…away from where that song is playing.”

  5. “It’s weird that they have expiration dates on vitamins. That almost implies that they actually worked at some point.”

  6. “When ever I hear the song “Up, up and away” I always have the desire to load a gun and shoot myself.”

  7. ” Hey bellhop you’d get a better tip if you didn’t think my name was Gassigan. “

  8. “Why is it when you are wearing nice clothes people always think you’ve lost weight?”

    “I’m tired of people playing pool and pretending it’s fun.”

    “When I heard they found water on the moon it made me realize how little I care if there is water on the moon.”

  9. “Is the Pointsetta the candy corn or Peeps of flowers?”

  10. “We are so lazy and bored that we actually watch people play cards on tv?”

  11. “I’m Catholic and rooting for the Saints right now. Does that mean I still have to got to church tomorrow?”

  12. “Dear Bratwurst, The hot dog means nothing to me. Love Jim P.S. We should get together with mustard more often.”

  13. “Hey pointsettas, Christmas is over. Beat it!”

  14. “This may sound lazy but peeling an orange is just too much work. NOT WORTH IT!”

  15. “Pizza Hut: “Is the pizza good?” “Good? They make it in a hut!” “Um I think I’ll just eat at radio shack thanks”

  16. “Did some1 really think naming a restaurant Pizza HUT was a good idea? “We want a name that communicates quality food & 3rd world housing!”

  17. “ExtenZe. What is with the capital Z? Does that mean it will work on my peniZ?’

  18. “That ExtenZe Nascar has an unfair advantage. The other drivers must get destracted laughing.”

  19. “Proof the morning sucks. They actually had to create the BREAKFAST burrito AND extend “The Today Show”.

  20. “Dear Winter, You are trying too hard. Pace yourself!”

  21. “The founder of Taco Bell died. Hope this won’t affect the quality of the food.”

  22. “Just saw a drive thru beef jerky store. Has anyone ever been in that much of hurry to get beef jerky?”

  23. “If you are going to Taco Bell for a diet, you have a bigger problem than your weight.”

  24. “If watching the NFL made you lose weight, I’d be anorexic.”

  25. “I’m looking for an ornament that says I love music AND I have horrible taste.”

  26. “Can we make it federal offense to pass gas on an airplane?”

  27. “I’m so excited to find out who will replace Larry King. No wait. I’m not interested at all. “

  28. “Why do I spend most of my day dealing with technical breakdowns on devices that are supposed to make my life easier? “

  29. “Why does “family friendly” always equal horrible food? “

  30. “By the way, bratwurst does not give u diarreah. Bratwurst makes u fantisize about having diarreah. “

  31. “I’ve had bratwurst for 4 days straight. I think that means I have to pay taxes in Wisconsin now.”

  32. “Sunscreen may be an expensive goo that makes you look paler, but it is an expensive way to get sand to stick to your body.”

  33. “I’m so excited to find out who will replace Larry King. No wait. I’m not interested at all.”

  34. “Why do I spend most of my day dealing with technical breakdownson devices that are supposed to make my life easier?”

  35. “Why does ‘family-friendly’ always mean horrible food?”

  36. “Why is the kid’s menu, the same as the bar menu?”

  37. “Why is it whenever I talk to a British person, it feels like they have a PHD, & I have a GED?”

  38. “How many times can kids say, ‘Are we there yet’, before we are allowed to leave them beside the side of the road?”

  39. “Do you think that airline mags are in competition to see who can make them the most boring?”

  40. “It’s amazing how we rationalize. ‘It’s a pomegranite martini. It has anti-oxidents. It’s practically a vitamin’”

  41. “My 4-year old son gave me a handmade card for Father’s Day. Maybe for Christmas, I’ll draw him a picture of some toys.”

  42. “Just saw TOY STORY 3. Is there anyway Pixar can be in charge of ALL entertainment?”

  43. “I’m on vacation now.This relaxing is exhausting”

  44. “I like to think of guacamole as the Mexican Peanut Butter”.

  45. “Watching the Care Bear’s movie. I don’t think that those bears are even singing the songs. I bet it’s dubbed. What a rip-off! Damn you, Hollywood!”

  46. “Still watching the Care Bear’s movie. I’m starting to think that this is for kids or something.”

  47. Dear North Korea: Look-we get it. You’re evil & have a small penis. Jeez. Get a hobby or an economy please. It’s boring.”

  48. “I may be slow, but at least I’m faster than my IPhone.”

  49. “FYI. If a tkt for 1 of my shows is $270, it’s either a scalper, or a time traveler, from the impending economic disaster.”

  50. “In 5 years, I’ll probably be thinking: ‘I can’t believe 5 years ago, I cared what I would be thinking in 5 years.’”

  51. “Goodbye, Dr. Laura I hardly knew you. Well, I don’t know you….at all. Who are you? Why are you in the news? Why don’t you have a last name?”

  52. “5 Footlong”. Hey Subway: can you keep the word ‘foot’ out of my food?”

  53. “When you read “SELF” magazine, aren’t you always a little disapointed that there is nothing about you in there?”

  54. “Is it possible to hold the USA TODAY, and NOT look like you are reading a coloring book?”

  55. “Why do they call it a “HAPPY MEAL”, when it turns children into monsters?”

  56. “Just watched 6 seasons of “LOST” in 2 weeks. That’s normal, right? By the way, what year is it?”

  57. Is Fashion’s Night Out followed by National Walk of Shame’s morning?”

  58. “Fashions Night Out” At least it’s not a night gloryfying superficial materialism.”

  59. Fashion’s Night Out is like a premier…..of how whorish women will be looking this Holloween”.

  60. “I’m a bit disappointed by Hurricane Earl. Not that I ever had high expectations from anything named Earl.”

  61. “Tropical Storm Earl? Now what am I supposed to do with all these “Hurricane Earl Blew Me?” t-shirts?”

  62. “People who use the term ‘erudite”, are a bit too erudite for me”

  63. “Jellyfish. Nature’s Lava Lamp”

  64. “The octopus lays 4000 eggs. What are they? The Mormon’s of the sea?”

  65. “The baseball hat is the official hat of the unshowered.”

  66. “If you are too young to make breakfast, you shouldn’t be allowed to get up before 7am.”

  67. “Do you think that the Corinthians were like: ‘We got ANOTHER letter from Paul? I didn’t even finish the first one yet!’”

  68. “If the children are the future, then why do they wake up at such an ungodly hour?”

  69. “I’m thankful that we are only mandated to be thankful 1 day a year.

    Can you imagine being grateful year round?”

  70. “The North-South Korea fight is really getting in the way of all that

    important British wedding news.”

  71. “There’s nothing sadder than a wet hot dog bun.”

  72. “Don’t you wish there was a “Previously on…” recap segment for

    when you run into some people?”

  73. “Choosing an emotion for this afternoon. Fear, sadness or anger?

    Hmmm. Anger you old pal, get over here.

  74. “Why isn’t more of life as good as a toasted everything bagel with cream cheese on?”

  75. “Banco Popular? I don’t know anyone who bancos there.”

  76. “Just at a parent teacher conference. For some reason my daughter has a problem paying attention & a bunch of other stuff I can’t remember.”

  77. “Just found out this wasn’t organic mustard. Had to throw my hot dog away. Better safe than sorry.”

  78. “If I’m allowed to pick my last meal, I’d like it to be the deep dish sausage pizza from Lou Malnati’s.”

  79. “Um, is there any way that we can get a table near the bullet hole?”

  80. “What exactly is the dfference between a poppy seed muffin, & a muffin filled with dead fruit flies?”

  81. “Happy Hanu….Chanu….um, Jewish holiday in December”

  82. “Can we just make it against the law to serve guacamole without chunks of avocado in it?”

  83. “Why does Santa make a big deal sneaking down the chimney on Xmas, when I see him walking around the mall everyday?”

  84. “Why do they assume the Friday after Thanksgiving is Black? Does it have a deep voice?”

  85. “People shopping is news? And I thought televising people people playing poker was pathetic.”

  86. “The day after Thanksgiving is like the “Dancing with the Stars” of shopping days, right?”

  87. “OK, winter. You’ve made your point: I’m a pussy.”

  88. “Is the poinsettia the candy corn or Peeps of flowers?”

  89. “My 6-year old wrote a letter to Santa, & spelled Santa wrong. I hope that spelling doesn’t count “Santea’s” good or bad evaluation.”

  90. “This morning, my 5- year-old asked me if I could make him some dessert instead of breakfast. I guess he is my son”

  91. “How come you only remember you are out of shampoo when you are in the shower?”

  92. “Directions to our apartment should always end with”…and follow the sound of screaming children.”

  93. “Screaming children has really made me love the sound of the vacuum cleaner.”

  94. “I always imagine St. Patrick is looking down today & thinking, ‘Whatr are they doing? I didn’t even drink?’”

  95. “I’m more afraid of mispronouncing nuclear, than an actual meltdown.”

  96. “Some of the topics that the news media considers ‘news’, are more depressing than the actual news.”

  97. “Driving through Times Square, saw 2 fights. Looked less like St. Paddy’s Day, & more like UFC auditions.”

  98. “It’s just beautiful out there today. Well, time for a nap.”

  99. “My 6 year-old, just told me that I smell like an airplane seat. She needs to take the bus more.”

  100. “If they ever made shampoo & conditioner bottles that looked different, I don’t know what I’d be annoyed about in the shower.”

  101. “If I worked out half as much as i disliked, going to the gym, I’d be ripped.”

  102. “Luckily I’m one of those people that can work out 3X a week, & still look out of shape.”

  103. “Pregnancy cravings are adorable, but when I have those cravings, I’m a pig. I call that sexism, folks!”

  104. “Soon I’ll have to feed 4 kids. Of course, after I feed myself. Those are going to be some skinny kids.”

  105. “I miss my beard. I need facial hair. I feel like I look like I’m a snowman.”

  106. “I like to think of myself…that’s all. I like to think of myself.”

  107. ” Why don’t they just rename the USA network the ‘Law & Order Marathon’ network?”

  108. “My short tern memory is not as sharp as it use to be. Also, my short tern memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.”

  109. “I’m sick of the cold. I’m ready to complain about it being too hot.”

  110. “Today, we saw an ultrasound of our unborn baby. He already has more hair than me.”

  111. “The best part of online shopping for kids clothes, is that it takes twice as long.”

  112. “Had a dream the media figured out Trump was not running for prez, , & was just promoting his reality show. Oh, dreams.”

  113. “The word economical is really an inefficient use of letters.”

  114. “That Ottoman Empire sure knew how to put their feet up.”

  115. “That royal wedding proves the British are right. Americans are more superficial.”

  116. “The Royal wedding is when? And when is the Royal divorce?”

  117. “Taco night with kids. I think they would make less of a mess, if the threw the tacos on the floor.”

  118. “So Shaggy is afraid of a sheet, but comfortable with a dog with talks?”

  119. “Why is the show called ‘Scooby-Doo, where are you?’ He’s in every episode! They’re never looking for him.”

  120. “Asked my 6 y/o, if she has been working on her listening. No answer.”

  121. “A government shutdown would worry me, if i ever thought that they were actually ever open.”

  122. “Whenever ‘Dancing with the Stars’ is in the news, I feel a little more suicidal.”

  123. “Thank God they are making ANOTHER Superman movie. And people say that creativity is dead in Hollywood.”

  124. “Dear Twitter police: I didn’t misspell ‘creative”. I spelled it ‘creatively’”

  125. “Scarey to think that we will soon have 4 kids. The good news is we live in a a 2-bedroom, 5-story walk-up.”

  126. “The Early Bird gets the worm, but I’d rather sleep & I don’t like worms.”

  127. “At this point, Times Square is nothing more than a brightly lit tourist prison camp.”

  128. “Rain is God’s way of telling me that I don’t have to work out today-right?”

  129. “If torture doesn’t work, why are they still playing ‘California Girls’ on the radio.”

  130. “Funny how ‘Congrats’ always sounds like ‘You’re crazy’, after you tell someone that you are about to have your 4th child.”

  131. “3-D baby ultrasounds are like peeking into your parent’s closet to see what you got for Christmas.”

  132. “Can we stop with the holidays? I’d like to go 4 days without feeling like I have to get drunk, eat candy, or buy someone a present.”

  133. “Those Osama photos are going to give a whole new meaning to the word ‘headshot’”

  134. “Has anyone ever really wanted to eat a peep?”

  135. “Sunny days are just Mother Nature’s guilt trip for lazy people.”

  136. “Nothing like spending 3 hours on the internet, & not checking your e-mail.”

  137. “A wise man once said: ‘Inspirational quotes make me nauseous.’”

  138. “Anyone wanna’ buy 6 million “5/21/11: WHO LET THE RAPTURE OUT” t-shirts.

  139. “If kids screaming & jumping up & down were a cure for a hangover, I’d feel great right now.”

  140. “Horse racing is just NASCAR for gamblers, right?

  141. “Is it gauche to wear the same outfit to THIS judgement day, that I wore last Judgement Day?”

  142. “This Rapture stuff is silly. BTW: How do I become a good person in 12 hours? Anyone know what God’s favorite ice cream is?

  143. “Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have WiFi? Asking for a friend.

  144. “Can’t believe that I have to work on Judgement Day. I guess I can DVR it, right?”

  145. “I didn’t say Judgement Day. I said’ Judge Mint day’. Which is better: Mentos or Tic Tacs? Hope there wasn’t any confusion.”

  146. Only 2 days till Judgement Day, & I haven’t picked out what robe I’m gonna wear.” (God)

  147. “Just because I’m going to be the father of 4, doesn’t mean you can look at me like I’m drinking scotch with my breakfast. It’s Bourbon, anyway!”

  148. “My 2 y/o just pooped in her pants at the grocery store. At least we have that in common.”

  149. “Tomorrow, I’ll be playing the role of the unshaven, sleep-deprived Dad /w a nicotine gum addiction at the 8:30am 1st grade recital.”

  150. “On what day did God invent coffee? I bet near the end of the week, in the morning.”

  151. “My dad may not have been the best dad, but without the comparison, I’d feel even guiltier.”

  152. “If my 2 y/o takes her shoes off in this cab ONE more time, I’m gonna…I’m gonna put them back on her.”

  153. “I was sick of Gwyneth Paltrow, before it was even cool to be sick of Gweneth Paltrow.”

  154. “Heading to the park. Packed diapers, wipes, & juice boxes. I guess I should bring stuff for the kids, too.”

  155. “Sometimes I read really boring, self-indulgent tweets, & think-”If it wouldn’t be such a blow to our relationship, I’d “unfollow myself.”

  156. “Sometimes I think that I should be more kind. Just kidding. I don’t think.

  157. “Boy, even that fake Judgement Day is making Flag Day, look like, well-Flag Day.”

  158. “Sometimes I wonder how the Royal newlyweds are doing. Just kidding, I’m not that empty.”

  159. “I refer to my black sweatpants as my “formal” sweatpants.”

  160. “We are expecting our 4th child in June, or as I refer to it as-”bankruptcy.”

  161. “Let me get this straight: suddenly making fun of you own nauseous, pregnant wife on the internet makes me a bad guy?”

  162. “Pregnant women=Crazy”, is not something I said. It was something that I THOUGHT,& then shared with 500,000 strangers on the internet.”

  163. “Everytime Donald Trump opens his mouth, a Socialist is born.”

  164. “I hope one of the ’7 Habits of Highly Successful People’, is buying the book, & not reading it.”

  165. “I’m not saying my 2 y/o has bad taste in music, but she likes it when I sing to her.”

  166. “Why didn’t the make the “W” double vee?”

  167. “Sat through an hour of kid’s movie previews at theatre. My 6 & 5 yr olds, didn’t laugh once. never been so proud of them.”

  168. “A ‘tweet’ actually sounds like it’s part of Easter. “In my basket, I have a chocolate bunny, 3 peeps & 5 tweets.”

  169. “4 kids is gonna be easier than 3, right? Cause I’m tired.”

  170. “Without Twitter, I don’t know what I’d do. Interact with my family, get work done, shower, still be out of shape.”

  171. “It’s so embarrassing when I wrongly guess a kid’s gender. Me: ‘How old is he?’ Parent: ‘SHE is 23!’ Me: Wow. Lot of hair.”

  172. “Why don’t they make newborn’s clothes out of baby wipes?”

  173. “Are Junior Mints the caviar or the turds of the York Peppermint Patty”

  174. “Waiting in liner for an hour in 100 degree heat for the Dumbo Ride, makes you wonder who is the real dumbo.”

  175. “So far, my favorite ride at Disney World, was the air conditioned bus ride to the hotel, Well worth the wait.”

  176. “Epcot is just the United Nations of commercialism.”

  177. “I don’t know which is more embarrassing: the fact that I just bought a candy bar, or that i paid $2 for it?”

  178. “Disney is then only place where you can walk around for 12 hours, & still gain weight.”

  179. “You ever walk behind someone who is walking so slow, that you have to hold yourself back from stabbing ‘em?”

  180. “Probably what makes cooked green peppers so special, is that they ruin the taste of any food that they are in.”

  181. “So parenting is all about wanting your child to burp for the first 3 months, & then not wanting them to burp for the next 18 years?”

  182. “Why are there so many mirrors at health clubs? I know what i look like. That’s why I’m going to the gym. Or should be going to the gym.”

  183. “I’m starting to think I might bail on my modeling career.”

  184. “If i knew that being lazy & uncompromising qualified me to be a congressman, I would have run a long time ago.”

  185. “People treat you differently when you are holding a baby. Especially in a strip club.”

  186. “At what point are we going to admit that all toddler artwork is horrible?”

  187. “Maybe if the turned the economy off, & then turned it back on, it might run better. Works for my cable.”

  188. “There should be an app for getting your phone from a 5 year old.”

  189. “I have to give it to myself for being so humble.”

  190. ” I believe Khalil Gibran said it best: “There is no acceptable apology for the forgotten flush.”

  191. “Last night I explained to my 5 year old son that the dark is not nearly as scary as your wife bringing home a pregnancy test.”

  192. “Now that the debt ceiling issue is over, I wonder what the next national crisis I don’t understand will be.”

  193. ‘Trying to get my 6-week-old baby to smile and failing reminds me of my first date with Jeannie Gaffigan”

  194. “I find reading poetry really inspires me to not read poetry.”

  195. “Hey 2-year-olds, I know you love spaghetti but you’re horrible at eating it.”

  196. “Ask me about my Tempur-Pedic. Then ask my wife why there are 4 kids in it every morning. Now enough with your questions, I’m tired.”

  197. “Hey Mitt Romney, Ron Popeil called and wants his personality back.”

  198. “Hey 2-year-olds, I know you love spaghetti but you’re horrible at eating it.’

  199. “What exactly is the difference between waking up and being punched in the face?”

  200. “When you think about it The Very Hungry Caterpillar probably had a serious eating disorder. Emotional eating. I’ve been there.”

  201. “I’d really appreciate it if they’d hold off on all road construction while I’m driving. Thanks.”

  202. “All this road construction makes it very difficult to Twitter while I’m driving.”

  203. “Dear radio stations, instead of 40 minutes of commercial free music, how about 5 minutes of good music?”

  204. “I’m glad eating tons of cheese makes you feel sick so you stop. Otherwise I’d be dead right now.”

  205. “The punishment for terrorists should be standing in airport security lines.”

  206. “It’s hard to take an airline seriously when the boarding pass looks like a McDonald’s receipt.”

  207. “What does the “corn” in unicorn stand for?”

  208. ““I need a shirt, but I also want to showcase how long my armpit hair is.” – Every guy who has bought a tank top”

  209. “The only time someone should drink a shot is never.”

  210. “”Simon says” this, “Simon says” that. Well Jim says Simon was quite the control freak.”

  211. “I’m not hungry. I think I might be sick”

  212. “Babies have it good. I’d give up the ability to talk if I could wear a diaper and have someone smile at me while they change it.”

  213. “Hey Taco Bell, I know your food is disgusting but can you at least try to make it look edible in your commercials? Thanks.”

  214. “I think the most impressive thing about FaceTime on my iPhone is that I never use it.”

  215. “They should just rename vacations “eating french fries”.”

  216. “Having kids has not made me any less cool. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to use the potty.”

  217. “Speaking of mandatory evacuation i just ate Indian food. “

  218. “It’s so obvious The Weather Channel is pro hurricane. Fair and balanced my ass.”

  219. “”The world is ending!” – Everyone watching the Weather Channel!”

  220. “”Aannd…we’ll never get to a map showing the path of Hurricane Irene.” – Weather Channel.”

  221. “During a Hurricane the weather channel becomes the kid with a pool in 8th grade.”

  222. “I’m in such better shape than my 2-month-old baby. He can barely hold his head up. Pathetic.”

  223. “Hey people who have the alarm noise as your ringtone, I’d like you to die.”

  224. “Hey who else is watching “Keeping Up with the Gadhafis” on CNN?”

  225. “At this point is there a reality show premise that’s ever been turned down?”

  226. “I like swimming with a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool.”

  227. “Why does everyone in LA look like they are on a reality show?”

  228. “Why is there more dignity in stripping than auditioning?”

  229. “Ever notice that any photo you’re not in is really not that interesting?”

  230. “What exactly are the ingredients of Ranch dressing? Mayo and disappointment?”

  231. “If you ever find yourself drinking more than one shot, you are either celebrating your birthday or trying to forget you were born.”

  232. “f I didn’t have all these photos that I’ll never look at, I don’t know how I would make my computer run so slow.”

  233. “Fashion Week is just another opportunity to prove to Al-Qaeda we are not superficial and materialistic.”

  234. “Dick Cheney was on The View. Looks like the Cubs are going to win The World Series.”

  235. “We have to eat this before it goes bad.” – every single person who has ever eaten guacamole.”

  236. “Just had pizza with my 7 and 5 year old. Would it be too much for them to at least offer to pay once? Jeez.”

  237. “Taking a survey. How many of you have heard of this thing “the Internet”? Don’t cheat by Googling it.”

  238. “When are they going to come out with diet biscuits & gravy?”

  239. “Fancy hotels always have great bonuses like the chocolate on the pillow and the hair in the bathroom.”

  240. “Microwaves are like winter coats. They warm quick, people never clean them and they look ugly after a year.”

  241. “They should have a flight to the airport. This is taking forever.”

  242. “I sincerely don’t know how to spell sincerely without spell check. Sincerely, Jim”

  243. “What’s that feeling called when you finally agree on what to order, then you call and the place is closed?”

  244. “Recently I started Weight Watchers. No, that’s not it. Recently I started eating a lot & don’t care if I get fat. Sometimes I confuse the 2.”

  245. “At this point is there anything we don’t know about the Kardashians?”

  246. “Sometimes when I’m carrying one of my sleeping children I’m tempted to wake them up & say “You’re gonna do this for me in 20 years, right?”

  247. “What exactly is the difference between coconut water and spoiled water?”

  248. “Hey people that sit on planes not reading, listening to or watching anything: you look like serial killers.”

  249. “Great news! Our apartment is going to be featured in next month’s issue of “In Sty” magazine!”

  250. “Is it a coincidence that Ranch is a style of house and a horrible salad dressing?”

  251. “At this point I view every photo of myself as a “before” photo.”

  252. “Just curious, how many weeks can you wear the same pair of jeans before it’s gross?”

  253. “Most of my life feels like i’m down a touchdown and there’s 48 seconds on the clock.”

  254. “We should just rename television viewing “watching Geico commercials”.”

  255. “Being a parent may be thankless but at least the pay is terrible.”

  256. “I usually remember I’m trying to eat healthy when I finish eating a cheeseburger.”

  257. “I always confuse “National Coffee Day” with “National Coughing Day” or “National Give Anything A National Day” Day.”

  258. “The cannoli is the pastrami sandwich of dessert.”

  259. “How old is your baby?” is the “How about this weather?” of parenting.”

  260. “Sometimes I feel like I’m being bullied by all these anti-bullying campaigns.”

  261. “It would take me 7 years to show someone all the photos I have of my 7 year old. Anyone interested?”

  262. “I don’t feel guilty eating my kids’ afterschool snacks. I feel guilty telling them their mom did.”

  263. “I bet you’d really feel guilty eating elephant in a peanut sauce.

  264. “Spelling something wrong in a tweet is like finding out you have your zipper open in public. And not on purpose.”

  265. “If the objective of every infomercial were to get me to say “What a piece of junk”, they’d be killing it.”

  266. “The rumors of Playboy paying me a million dollars to not pose nude are false”

  267. “I’ll never be mature enough to hear the term “natural gas” and not giggle a little.”

  268. ““Hey you know those people that are always outside and never watch TV? How about a channel just for them.” – Pitch for The Outdoor Channel”

  269. “It’s sad that @ESPN has more channels than The Outdoor Channel has viewers.”

  270. “So the “Children’s Menu” in a restaurant is essentially a sports bar menu but more expensive.”

  271. “On Sundays @WholeFoods should have a traffic report.”

  272. “Dear hotels, how about curtains that actually block the sunlight from entering your room?”

  273. “My stomach has an abusive relationship with McD. “I want you but you always end up making me feel horrible.”. Figure it out stomach! Jeez./;

  274. “I have this really cool key locator thing. If only I could find it.”

  275. “What exactly is the difference between changing a diarrhea diaper and rubbing feces on your hands?”

  276. “Can we just have one debate where all participants are drunk?”

  277. “Everyone thought the last line of the National Anthem was “Play ball”, right?”

  278. “At this point is it possible to stand at a podium and not look like you are a contestant on Jeopardy?”

  279. “Since when is it not ok to audit a hot yoga class dressed as Batman?”

  280. “It is now cheaper to make a movie than to rent one in a hotel room.”

  281. “Wanted: A proofreader for my tweets. Must be able to type 140 characters a minute with their thumb while driving. No pay.”

  282. “I wonder if the people who correct the grammar on Twitter do the same when their friends text them. “U is actually spelled Y.O.U.””

  283. “Autocorrect is like that person who just graduated college and think they know everything.”

  284. “Finally another Twilight movie to be annoyed by.”

  285. “Any truth to the rumor I’m starting that the girl from the Progressive Insurance commercials is a Conservative?”

  286. “That Dove Chocolate tastes way better than that Dove beauty bar.”

  287. “♫ “On the second day of Halloween my true love gave to me: A blizzard mixed with rain and sleet.” ♫”

  288. “The audacity of Burger King selling tater-tots for breakfast! The audacity of me for buying them! “

  289. “I wonder how much @DrOz hates that daily question, “Are you related to the Wizard of Oz”?”

  290. “Boy, being exhausted is really draining, right?”

  291. “If love is a battlefield, then it makes sense that getting a toddler to bed takes longer than the Vietnam conflict.”

  292. “Now that Kim Kardashian is getting divorced maybe now she’ll finally get some media attention.”

  293. “I’m thinking of protesting the price of milk. They are the 2%! No wonder I’m lactose intolerant. “

  294. “Today my Halloween costume says “How many days is this slogfest through commercialism nightmare going to be?”

  295. “So gluten-free is code for tastes horrible?”

  296. “Boy, my 5-month old passes gas loudly. At least that’s what I told the people in church.”

  297. “I don’t think I’ll ever forgive the media for covering “Dancing with the Stars” like it’s news.”

  298. “Remember when flight attendants used to at least act like they liked their jobs?”

  299. “I’m not procrastinating; it’s just that I haven’t finished doing nothing yet.”

  300. “I want to eat a bunch of blue cheese and bacon, but I also want to appear to be healthy.” – Inventor of wedge salad”

  301. “3 Musketers always make me sad. They mean I’m almost done with my kids Halloween candy.”

  302. “Only on Twitter do you return something you really like.” – Confucius”

  303. I look like I’m working hard, but actually I’m doing nothing!” – Everyone on Twitter”

  304. “If there was no NFL, would anyone ever see commercials?”

  305. “There should be an award for changing a diaper at 5am. Especially, if it’s your own diaper.”

  306. “When people find out I have 4 little kids, they always treat me like I have cancer. “Four kids! You are so brave. I’ll pray for you.”

  307. ““Hey, how about something more boring than a cucumber?” – Inventor of celery”

  308. “I hope popcorn appreciates what the microwave did for its career.”

  309. “Hey, insurance companies instead of having a commercial on TV every 10 minutes can you just cover some of my medical bills?”

  310. “About to have a traditional Thanksgiving dinner with my kids in a Vegas casino as the pilgrims would have wanted”

  311. “My 5-month-old has not mentioned he’s thankful once today. Rude.”

  312. “I’m thankful I’m only mandated to be thankful one day a year.”

  313. “My kids are going to be surprised when they find out I’m charging for all these pick-ups and drop-offs.”

  314. “When our 5-month-old coughs he doesn’t cover his mouth. Rude.”

  315. “Oh crap, it’s December. When did that happen?”

  316. “Kid birthday parties should just be called get your child sick gatherings.”

  317. “Baby smiles are the most effective anti-depressant.”

  318. “What is the ingredient in Dominos that makes me so depressed after I eat it?”

  319. “I wish it was gain weight “for” the holidays instead of “during” the holidays.”

  320. “Women in high heels look sexy. Women walking in high heels look drunk”

  321. “One advantage of having 4 little kids is there is always one screaming. Wait, that’s not an advantage.”

  322. “Lack of knowledge is my Achilles’ knee.”

  323. “I would read more often to my children if my 7-year-old would stop correcting the words I misread.”

  324. “I bet @jeanniegaffigan wouldn’t think I sleep too much if she found out I was a newborn.”

  325. “Sometimes after I use the bathroom, I feel sorry for the toilet. “

  326. “When you think about it, Mariah Carey and Drew Carey don’t even look like sister and brother.”

  327. “Is there an anti-depressant for taking a city bus?”

  328. “Vitamins are expensive but at least there is no proof they work.”

  329. “Just found out I’m Santa’s “Secret Santa”. How intimidating.”

  330. “Anyone know how to get blood off a Christmas tree?”

  331. “How about a month of obligations, overspending, difficult travel and horrible weather?” – The pitch for the month of December.

  332. “”December” From the people that brought you finals week.”

  333. “I guess Jesus was the first kid that got to celebrate Hanukkah and Christmas.”

  334. “You know how people are too busy in December? What if we added the obligation of sending a Holiday card to everyone they know?”

  335. “Sometimes when I put on workout clothes and don’t work out, I just pretend I’m a character from the “Sopranos”.

  336. “Sometimes I think I’ll never master fast forwarding through commercials.”

  337. “It’s ugly out there. By that I mean the people. When I say people I mean me.”

  338. “If there was a Mr. Twitter, I bet he’d look a lot like Mr. Peanut.”

  339. “I’ve been on this Twitter thing forever. Still haven’t gotten a check. Anyone else?”

  340. “I may not be the best dad, but at least…that’s all I got so far.”

  341. “All I want for Christmas is for radio stations to stop playing Mariah Carey’s “All I want for Christmas is you”.

  342. “A very pandering Happy Hanukkah to my friends and future employers in the entertainment industry.”

  343. “Since when is not funny to respond to the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with the answer “Your death”?”

  344. “I bet if people didn’t receive presents and get drunk at the end of December, there would tons of murders in January.

  345. “Today I can’t even get motivated to do nothing.”

  346. “If there were an award for getting fat, I’d eat it.”

  347. “Well, it’s 3am. So I guess it’s time to eat something”

  348. “At most holiday parties I feel like the bowl of salsa after the guacamole has been brought to the table.”

  349. “I wonder if there is town in between steak-eating Omaha and bbq-eating Kansas City that specializes in Alka-Seltzer?”

  350. “Time to start practicing that fake enthusiasm for after you get a present you didn’t want.”

  351. “Merry Conspicuous Consumption and a Happy value system which regards social status as being determined by affluence!”

  352. “It’s already the middle of December and I haven’t even picked out my Halloween costume yet.”

  353. “I was thinking of buying that cushion from the infomercial that makes you arch your back but I think I’ll just go for throwing money away.”

  354. “Twitter is so much easier than being outgoing”

  355. “Quick, how do you wrap a broom?”

  356. “Holiday family gatherings are stressful because you’re forced to face the short genetic distance between you and a completely insane person.”

  357. ““I’m going to create something more disappointing to eat than vegetables.” – Inventor of vitamins”

  358. “New rule for @jeanniegaffigan If you are revolted by me getting a burger at a drive thru, you are not allowed to ask for a bite.”

  359. “My New Year’s resolution? To be less laz”

  360. “Today whenever someone says, “See you next year!” I secretly hope I don’t.”

  361. “You scratch my back; I’ll scratch your…ew what are those red bumps?”

  362. “I’ve been in Wisconsin for ten pounds. That means one week for those of you who have never visited Wisconsin.”

  363. “I’m starting to think that burka gift to @jeanniegaffigan backfired.”

  364. “I don’t mean to brag but I just beat my 5-year-old ten times in a row at air hockey. He sucks.”

  365. “Whenever I accidentally watch the Bravo channel, the last thing that comes to mind is the word, “Bravo!””

  366. “Seems like cable channels are moments away from just using people’s vacation footage as television programming.

  367. “Most of my life I feel like a poinsettia plant the day after Christmas.”

  368. “I hate the way my kids look at me when they catch me eating their candy”

  369. “Day Tweeters: “I just ate a muffin” Night Tweeters: “I tore that muffin up”!”

  370. “Someone asking for a RT kind of feels like cyber bullying, right? Please RT”

  371. “Whenever I tweet late at night I always feel like I’m on the graveyard shift. “Looks like it’s just us doing the dirty work.”

  372. “It’s weird that in the morning sleep always seems more important than twitter,”

  373. “Has anyone ever visited Wisconsin and lost weight?”

  374. “When are they going to come out with a Year in Review of all the Year in Reviews?”

  375. “Is there a reason why “more honest” and “moronic” sound so similar?”

  376. “When my 2-year-old announces that she used the potty, everyone’s so proud. I seem to get the completely opposite reaction.”

  377. “Sorry but nobody over the age of six looks good in a Santa hat.”

  378. “”Wait, on my birthday everyone was watching what game?” – Jesus”

  379. “”We are going to make commercials worse than Toyota” – Nissan”

  380. “Those Home Depot commercials make me feel even more like a lazy slob.”

  381. “Hey you have four kids. Your place is a disaster anyway, right?”

  382. “Well it’s time for that traditional $8 candy bar from the mini-bar ritual.”

  383. “King that brought gold to the two other kings, “Wait, we didn’t have to bring money to this thing?””

  384. “Mary: What did the innkeeper say? Joseph: (pause) He said they have “theme” room. A stable theme. Very Ralph Lauren.”

  385. ““Oh great frankincense. It’s not like we could’ve used a blanket or food.” – Joseph of Nazareth”

  386. “I bet that Innkeeper in Bethlehem really regretted that whole “no room” thing.”

  387. “I haven’t received a gift from you yet. Can you send the tracking number?”

  388. “The best part of sharing a plate of pierogies with my 2 year old is that she doesn’t like pierogi. “

  389. “On the front of the package can there be a cookie that looks like it’s throwing up?”

  390. “I may be pale and balding but at least I’m out of shape.”

  391. “Can someone go to the gym and work out for me? I’m trying to finish this pint of ice cream. Thanks”

  392. “I’m going to have to start charging my kids double for these pick-ups on really cold days.”

  393. “A two and half year old can watch a six month old, right?”

  394. “If you’re still writing 2011 on checks, try on line banking like the rest of the world.”

  395. “Well, I guess it’s time to get back to not being productive.”

  396. “You know what’s better than a healthy self-image? A candy bar”

  397. “You know how it’s really boring when someone talks about the weather? Well, how about a channel that talks about it 24 hours a day?”

  398. “I heard they stopped using butter in Butterfingers. Hope that’s not true”

  399. “It’s sad that eventually most songs end up sounding like “The Macarena’ to me.”

  400. “We should be able to penalize companies for bad commercials.”

  401. “I hate when I leave a out of a tweet.”

  402. “It is amazing the amount of ass you have to kiss to be elected President of the United States.”

  403. “They should just make highway rest stops out of Purell.”

  404. “Is it necessary for there to be a guy that looks like Stephen King at every highway rest stop?”

  405. “R there people too shy for the internet? “I don’t want use up some1 else’s bandwidth. Is it band with or bandwidth? I’m too shy to find out””

  406. “Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”

  407. “Would it kill my 6-month-old son to say “Thank you” just once? “

  408. “Why do drawings by little kids always have that “there’s a little bit of serial killer in me” look to them? “

  409. “Time flies when you’re having fun. And when you’re on Twitter.”

  410. ““Where’s my other glove? In this pocket? There it …ugh, that’s just napkins. If I lost my fu…oh I’m holding it.””

  411. “Is it just me or do those red foil wrapped Hershey’s kisses taste almost identical to the silver foil Hershey’s kisses? I’ll keep testing.”

  412. “Besides all those accolades, talent, looks and money, what does that George Clooney guy really have going for him?”

  413. “Eating a bag of gummy bears at 2am doesn’t really make you feel like your living healthy.”

  414. “In the 7 months I’ve known our 7 month old he has not complimented me once.”

  415. “Our apartment may be small but at least my kids talk like they’re on a helicopter.”

  416. “The word “bedtime” is like a Red Bull for my children”

  417. “How exactly is carrying a screaming two year old different from playing the bagpipes?”

  418. “Have you ever stopped drinking Diet Coke? You lose ten pounds. Some diet.”

  419. “Ok winter you’ve made your point: I’m a pussy”

  420. “What is more expensive, snow skiing or burning money?”

  421. “When I say it’s good to be home what I really mean is “it’s good to know the cable channels.”

  422. “Wouldn’t it be great if the Republican Primary was as interesting as the media wants it to be?”

  423. “When are they going to invent a microwave that will stir my chili? This is exhausting!”

  424. “Twitter is so much easier than real life”

  425. “Wait women don’t like love handles? Now what am I supposed to give my wife for Valentine’s Day.”

  426. “Can everyone start saying salad is really bad for me so I can start craving it?”

  427. ““How about a holiday all about awkwardness and failed expectations?” – pitch for Valentines Day”

  428. “I look so thin in complete darkness.”

  429. “If God didn’t want us to eat late at night why did he make everything taste better at 1am?”

  430. “So now we have to spell “Macarena” Z-U-M-B-A?”

  431. “After the age of four how do you justify eating a doughnut?”

  432. “I know I have a weight issue. I’m not delusional. I know I could lose one pound.”

  433. “Any truth to the rumor I’m starting that they are going to rename the GOP Primary Debates “The Biggest Loser”?”

  434. “Amazingly my 2 year old did NOT spill her drink at dinner tonight! She spilled my drink.”

  435. “I’m tired of people posting when they do the most mundane things. Anyway I’m going to check my email.”

  436. “You ever accidentally catch someone in their underwear? That’s awkward. Especially if you’re holding a knife.”

  437. “My 7-month old got a first tooth like a week ago and he like never brushes it. Gross.”

  438. “When are they going to come out with a Valentine’s Day condolence card? “Dear Valentine, I’m sorry I’m your Valentine.””

  439. “To be fair it must be hard to be a flight attendant and have to ignore people all day.”

  440. “If its called a layover shouldn’t they provide a bed?”

  441. “The Super Bowl is like the Super Bowl of Super Bowl references.”

  442. “Why do 4-year-olds only want to tell you a secret when you’re wearing a white shirt and they are eating chocolate?”

  443. ‘If you’re tired of liking your kids, get them piano lessons. Works like a charm.”

  444. “I don’t know where my 7 month old is right now but wherever he is I’m sure he’s peeing.”

  445. “What is the difference between insomnia and self loathing?”

  446. “Can you get jet lag from walking up stairs?”

  447. “I guess we’ll never find out who let the dogs out.”

  448. “I’m pretty confident I’ll never have to tell my kids to speak louder.”

  449. “Without Valentine’s Day, February would be… well, January.”

  450. “When are they going to come out with a Valentine’s Day condolence card? “Dear Valentine, I’m sorry I’m your Valentine.”

  451. “And here’s your Valentine’s Day forecast: Disappointment with intermittent pockets of candy eating.”

  452. “Quick how do you say “If you go to sleep I’ll give you a $100” in babytalk?”

  453. “You know how cute it is when a baby is asleep, what’s that like?”

  454. “If only my goals were to be lazy and out of shape.”

  455. “When I die, bury me with an everything bagel. Lots of cream cheese please. Thanks.”

  456. “”I could make you edible.” – Mayonnaise to Cabbage “

  457. “My 2 year old doesn’t really grasp the “hide” or the “seek” of hide and seek.”

  458. “I’m watching “Sesame Street” with my 2 year old and pretending like I know the meaning of ‘the word of the day’.”

  459. “Oscar night is the shortest Fashion Week ever.”

  460. “It turns out our baby doesn’t speak French either.”

  461. “Suddenly Dominos got better tasting. “

  462. “Those late night commercials for ab machines make me glad I don’t have abs.”

  463. “Something you don’t want to say to yourself after holding a baby, “God, I hope that’s chocolate.”

  464. “”Organic” means diet, right? “

  465. “My problem is I don’t like working out in front of people or when I’m alone.”

  466. “Eating hummus is the closest I will ever come to a fasting.”

  467. “Last night I had a dream that everyone stopped lying about what they dreamed about”

  468. “A restaurant that doesn’t have a hamburger on the menu is like a USA Today without a Sports section.”

  469. “Our baby now can clap which I believe qualifies him to be a member of an infomercial audience.”

  470. “Unless you are French or absolutely insane please don’t do the double kiss greeting. It’s awkward.”

  471. “There is something so adorable and depressing about my 2-year old telling me, “You eat like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo”.

  472. “My 6-year old: “What does this say?” Me: “Learn how to read.”

  473. “I know it’s 3 meals a day but how many are you supposed to have at night?”

  474. “Wait, how many meals are you allowed to eat after midnight?”

  475. “It’s 11pm and all my kids(7,5,2 & 8mos) are still awake. That means I’m good at parenting, right?”

  476. “Daylight Savings makes us lose an hour. It’s just like checking Twitter.”

  477. “So weird, this is the third city I’ve been in that had a restaurant named The Olive Garden. What are the odds?”

  478. “Even when I’m out of town there are screaming teething babies in my dreams.”

  479. “Well, I’m heading to the gym. I mean I’m going to watch TV standing up while I slowly move my legs.”

  480. “Really, whenever I get up is “too early.”

  481. “”That went over like a fart in church.” – Guy who just farted in church”

  482. “Sadly, I don’t think everyone ever wang-chunged on any night.”

  483. “Is there a button to make me like myself?”

  484. “I just walked an entire city block that did not have a Subway restaurant. Wait, there’s one.”

  485. “Dear Babies, If you want your diaper changed, stop moving!”

  486. “I haven’t gotten my nails done in forever. I’m not exaggerating. I’ve literally never gotten my nails done.”

  487. “Given that I haven’t won a state or even received a single vote, I’m debating suspending my race for President of the United States.”

  488. “A hunger strike can be as short as a minute, right?”

  489. “I’m much less hungry when I’m asleep.”

  490. “These early morning tweets are made possible by the generous noise of my 6-year-old son.”

  491. “Yeah, but has that iPad 3 ever taken four young kids skiing?”

  492. “What are they doing? I didn’t even drink.” – St. Patrick looking down from heaven “

  493. “You call it maze. We call it the only vegetable our kids will eat.”

  494. “Why do my kids think me answering an important phone call is code for “start screaming”?”

  495. “So excited to be in Omaha. Ok, I’m excited to eat a steak. I think Nebraska is the greatest steak in the union.”

  496. “I like taking my kids to IHOP. They eat like 5 dollars worth of food and do like 40 dollars worth of damage to the restaurant.”

  497. “If so-n-so can lose tons of weight and feel really good about themselves and then gain it all back so can I! Maybe.”

  498. “Ciudad de Rapido here we come. Day 5 on the tour bus. Amazingly I still have 4 kids. Wait, where is…”

  499. “You’d think babies would be more embarrassed they can’t even hold their own bottle. Pathetic.”

  500. “The guy who lives below me just called and asked if I “got my kid a dancing elephant”. How rude. It was just me jumping rope.”

  501. “Well, I’m going back to self-loathing. I mean watching television.”

  502. “Boy, I guess I look like an idiot falling for that all-u-can-eat donut diet. Again.”

  503. “How did we survive before Twitter? There were just not enough social media sites on which we could beg for attention and approval.”

  504. “Trying to explain to my 2 & 1/2 yr old why there are no zombies in the graveyard. She must watch too much walking dead.”

  505. “I’ve become amazingly good at using the bathroom while a kid bangs in the door.”

  506. “I can’t believe I didn’t win the Mega Million thing. Granted I didn’t buy a ticket, but I’m still disappointed.”

  507. “I didn’t win the Mega Million Lottery thing and all the news is talking about is some health care bill for 50 million uninsured Americans?”

  508. “Wait, if someone sends you an email, you’re supposed to respond. When did that start?”

  509. “I love April Fools! Just kidding. It’s boring. Gotcha! April Fools. See I told it was boring.”

  510. “How about everyone follow me and then I’ll go back to watching television.”

  511. “It’s so cute. Our 9 month old just fell asleep in his highchair. So I wrote “Jerk” in Sharpie on his forehead.”

  512. “Great, I just got fired from Twitter.”

  513. “Great I was fired again! I was actually fired from being fired! Well, at least I got my job back.”

  514. “The way you are looking at your computer/phone makes me feel fat.”

  515. “I’d like to welcome back the stomach flu to our home. I wish I could say I missed it for the past week.”

  516. “If my spell-check could talk, how it would mock me.”

  517. “The quietest room in my apartment is the hallway to my apartment. “

  518. “My 7 year old already has better handwriting than me.”

  519. “i have something really important to tell u but I’m not going to get to the point for the next 10 minutes.” – Every 5 year old boy”

  520. “It’s spring break for my 6 year old, which means I have to act like I don’t sit around the apartment all week.”

  521. “Just made egg salad. Well, initially I was dying eggs with my kids.”

  522. “How about a holiday that doesn’t involve 8 pounds of candy coming into my home?”

  523. “You know how the idea of losing a hard-boiled egg in your home is horrifying? Well, what if we hid a bunch & had toddlers try to find them?”

  524. “Easter came at a perfect time. I had just finished eating all my kids Valentine’s Day candy.”

  525. “The good news is I just ate a jellybean I found on the ground of our apartment. The bad news is it was a tiny ball of Play Doh.”

  526. “A man from the North Pole that brings presents seems so much more believable than a bunny that hides eggs.”

  527. “Microwaves are supposed to smell like burnt popcorn, right?”

  528. “I’m starting to think my 9 month old is never going to learn English. Lazy.”

  529. “Kids are supposed to be so tech savvy today but 9-month-old just wants to lick my iPhone.”

  530. ” You know what would be a be a cruel joke? Putting 100 snaps on clothing for a wiggling baby you change in the dark.”

  531. “”I felt as useful as a juice box without a straw” – Lyrics from my country music song about parenting”

  532. “Wait, how do you light a microwave again?”

  533. “The word “Grammar” is even spelled in an pretentious way. Now I”m going with “Gramm’r”. Join me?”

  534. “Whenever you correct someone’s grammar just remember that nobody likes you.”

  535. “Why is everyone so pro-earth when it’s so polluted?!”

  536. “After I eat a gyro I always falafel.”

  537. “New slogan for airport: “We promise you won’t have a good time. Guaranteed!””

  538. “Whenever someone asks, “Can I be perfectly honest with you?” The answer should always be, “No.””

  539. “Our 10-month-old just head-butted me for the 3rd time today. I guess that means he likes hockey, right?”

  540. “Sometimes I feel like a fat guy trapped in fat guy’s body.”

  541. “People on this plane got so uptight when I used the bathroom to change into my PJs. Llike they’ve never seen a man in a nightgown before.”

  542. “Just heard you are allowed to punch adults that carry pillows onto airplanes. Is this true?”

  543. “Hey everyone with fart breath, please change that. Thanks Jim”

  544. “High school was so much easier than Twitter.”

  545. “Vegetables on pizza is like wheat germ on a doughnut”

  546. “If you want to get sick of pizza, just have some kids.”

  547. “Besides tasting terrible, that gluten-free stuff is great.”

  548. “Our eldest was born 8 years ago, coincidentally the last time I had a complete conversation with @jeanniegaffigan”

  549. “There should be a special coffee for parents. One with Chrystal Meth.”

  550. “Can we start counting magazines as books. I’ll sound so much smarter”

  551. “I’m thinking of dropping the whole “I’m from the street/thug life” persona.”

  552. “I just posted a photo. Not on the internet, on the wall of this airplane. I don’t think the flight attendant likes the Backstreet Boys.”

  553. “Since when can’t you smoke cigars on commercial airplanes!?! What’s next no BBQing in hospitals?!”

  554. “Boy, TSA workers don’t like it when you moan while they pat you down.”

  555. “We should rename airports “The Walking Dead” re-enactment centers.”

  556. “There should be a children’s song “If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your Dad sleep.””

  557. “To all the mothers: Happy Mother’s Day. Don’t let it go to your head. You are a working double tomorrow.”

  558. “Dear super chatty outgoing early morning people in the airport, Everyone thinks you are crazy. No, you are grumpy.”

  559. “I’m thinking of doing a butter sculpture of a stick of butter. I hope nobody has done that one yet.”

  560. “Is the whole point of the Home Depot commercials to make feel lazy?”

  561. “Most importantly Mother’s Day marks the start of the pre-Father’s Day season.”

  562. “They should do a cop show w/ a sexy but strong female detective. Maybe a ponytail, tight clothes. Just for a change, right?”

  563. “You guys make twitter worth it! Just kidding, we are all wasting our lives.”

  564. “I’m already sick of writing this book I’m thinking of writing.”

  565. “I’m just a blur of exhaustion and laziness.”

  566. “Well, I have other things to do first.” – Procrastinator’s Motto”

  567. “Some people didn’t even take National Donut Day seriously. Jerks.”

  568. “Its like my kids save up loudness for Saturday morning.”

  569. “Nice weather, blah, blah, blah. When can I start eating bratwurst?”

  570. “At the point I’m overwhelmed by the feeling of being overwhelmed.”

  571. “I’m just glad i dont have to seek approval from strangers on the internet.”

  572. “Wait, it’s GAIN weight for the summer, right. Not lose weight, right? “

  573. “I haven’t been hungry for like a year.”

  574. “t’s not that I forgot your name, it’s just I thought you might have changed yours.”

  575. “Being a father is a lot like being the least powerful Vice President in history.”

  576. “When is it going to be the beautiful people’s turn? How about letting them be on the cover of a magazine or sing a pop song?”

  577. “My son is starting to walk. I guess that’s impressive. After 11 months of lying around. He still doesn’t speak English. Pathetic.”

  578. “The only thing more depressing than being fat is the thought of being hungry.”

  579. “If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn’t even be nominated.”

  580. “My 11-month old walks like he’s auditioning to be an extra on “Walking Dead.”

  581. “Like most pale people I will be occupying the indoors this summer.”

  582. “A waiter just asked me if eat meat. I felt like a 70 year old women getting carded at a bar.”

  583. “I always wondered why I had hair on my legs but now I know it’s for my infant children to pull themselves off the ground as I scream in pain”

  584. “With all my friends moving to Brooklyn, I feel like Manhattan is the AOL of NYC boroughs.”

  585. “When is drinking coffee going to be an Olympic sport?”

  586. “You can’t even tell I’m out of shape because I have a beard, right?”

  587. “I don’t believe in torture but I do bring my kids to church.”

  588. “Whatever a 3-year-old says sounds like poorly written dialogue. “Daddy I’m swimming. Yea!”

  589. “We had a family tree but someone chopped it down and built a bar with it.”

  590. “Just woke my kids up and told them, “It’s Father’s Day! Where’s my present?” They just started crying. Brats.”

  591. “Babies are the two extremes on the spectrum of smell. They either smell like heaven filled with lollipops or a microwaved porta-potty.”

  592. “I’m starting to feel like the only person who hasn’t thrown a perfect game.”

  593. “I bet you vegetarians don’t even feel guilty eating baby carrots. Barbarians. “

  594. “At this point why don’t they just open a separate school for kids that don’t have a peanut allergy? “

  595. “When you have little kids how long are long are DVD players supposed to last? 10 minutes, right? “

  596. “You know what’s easier than applying sunscreen? Not going outside”

  597. “I am SO tired of being mistaken for Pit Bull.”

  598. “I’m thinking of adding “singer” to my profile see if it gets me some work.”

  599. “A tank top is a great way for a guy to say, “I have armpit hair and BO.””

  600. “Little kids are just human alarm clocks. “

  601. “I’m dumb but I’m at least I’m not …wait, what was I talking about? “

  602. “I can’t wait for the “What did they wear on the red carpet?” gossip. It’s one of the only times I feel smart. “

  603. ““I have too much time on my hands and I want to stew in a broth of my own filth.” – People who take baths “

  604. “Let’s be honest. She does NOT got Betty Davis eyes. She’s on drugs”

  605. Well, it’s almost time to show up late for something else. “

  606. “I’m sorry if apologize too much for doing nothing. “

  607. “I don’t mean to brag but I have to admit I do make parenting look pretty hard. “

  608. ” Can someone come over and put paper in my printer? Thanks “

  609. “The Buffet Rule is always use a clean plate for every visit, right? “

  610. “The thin,healthy, smart people are really missing out on some horrible food at Burger King. “

  611. “When 50 year old women argue in public it always looks like they are re-enacting a scene from “Real Housewives” “

  612. “Burger King? More like burger…I hate myself and don’t want to feel anything- bad joke-trapped at an airport- King.”

  613. “The only thing worse than Burger King is waiting for Burger King”

  614. “I hate when waiters get all snobby when I ask for change for a nick”

  615. “Whenever someone keeps telling you how many years they’ve been doing something, you know they are not very good at it. “

  616. “I remember when we just had the Olympics as a distraction from real news. “

  617. “When is slowly moving on the elliptical while watching TV going to be an Olympic event? “

  618. “Somehow “Twitter Is Over Capacity” always feels like “Sorry, your name is not on the list.”

  619. “When is someone going to offer diet fried dough? “

  620. “Just had fun flying a kite with my 3 year old until she let go. “

  621. “Just took my four young children out to dinner for the last time.”

  622. “Playing Frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to just running after a Frisbee.”

  623. “How many pairs of sunglasses does the Atlantic Ocean need? “

  624. “Turns out butterflies don’t even taste like butter. “

  625. “Seeking Sunscreen Applier. Must put sunscreen on four screaming young children. Job takes 1 hour. Sunscreen needs to be applied hourly. “

  626. “Watching the “Cinderella” for the 8 millionth time. I should probably have my kids see this one day. “

  627. “Nothing says “come and get it ladies” like a basket on your bike.

  628. “Turns out sea cucumbers just ruin a salad. Lesson learned. “

  629. “Crying doesn’t make you a baby. It makes you a cry baby. “

  630. “I just hope we don’t find out that Red Bull is bad for you. “

  631. “When are they going to start giving medals for not exercising? “

  632. “I’m starting to think Abercrombie doesn’t like me standing in front of their store with my shirt off. “

  633. “I’ll never forget the last thing my grandfather told me on his deathbed. “Wazzup?!”

  634. “My 8 yr old just explained to my 6 yr old, “A Hobo is just a homeless guy that tries to act cool.”

  635. “Walking in Memphis. Just saw the ghost of Elvis or it might have been just a fat guy. Still fun. “

  636. “Great. My parenting skills were just declared a state of emergency.”

  637. “Still haven’t gotten a Father’s Day gift from my one-year-old. I’m going to give it one more week. “

  638. “I’ve eaten healthy for 7.5 hours. When can I have a cheeseburger and fries? “

  639. “How about a cucumber that tasted horrible?” – pitch for squash

  640. “Just had a lavender donut so now I’m fat and fresh”

  641. “What if caveman drawings were really cavemen saying “If I had a TV this is what I would be watching”.

  642. “Took my kids (8, 6, 3 & 1) to the zoo by myself. Sure now I only have three kids but I’m still proud of myself. “

  643. “They should just rename midnight eating cookies. “

  644. “Probably the worst part of public bathrooms is the public part. “

  645. “Thank God Summer is almost over.” – Every Pale Person

  646. “I’m convinced my children save up noise for Saturday morning. “

  647. “In some ways this summer felt like a punishment for complaining about last winter. “

  648. “We did it! And by “we” I mean “I” and by “it” I mean “nothing”.

  649. “Got up at 6am. Did yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything. “

  650. “Labor Day and Memorial Day are so confusing. It wouldn’t surprise me if we went back in records and found, “Oh, it’s the other way around.”

  651. “Morning people miss out on the most important part of the day the night. “

  652. “Thinking about working out counts as working out right? “

  653. “Each of my 4 children has made me a better parent. So I figure I only need 34 more kids to be a pretty decent guy. “

  654. “Whenever someone invites me to go golfing I always think, “Wow, this person knows absolutely nothing about me.”

  655. “The USA TODAY is perfect for people like me. Someone who loves sports and doesn’t mind looking like they’re reading a coloring book.”

  656. “I may be horrible at spelling but…well, that’s all I have so far. “

  657. “When I die I don’t want to be cremated, I’d prefer to be deep-fried. “

  658. “”Maybe we can sell more clams if we put them in a liquid that looks like vomit?” – Inventor of clam chowder “

  659. “New saying: “A cheeseburger a day keeps the feelings away.”

  660. “Just worked out because I want @jeanniegaffigan to have a husband with hot bod. Thought the gym might be a good place to find the guy. “

  661. “It would be a lot more helpful if you guys pointed out my spelling errors before I send the tweet. “

  662. “I’d be so fat if lived in Thailand. Or near a Thai restaurant. Oh wait I do. Well at least now I know why I’m so fat. “

  663. “Marriages should come with three NFL-style “challenges” a year. “

  664. “”Checking Twitter” is Internet for “Wasting Time.”

  665. “I’m glad I don’t know what auto-correct really thinks of me. “

  666. “Flights that require you get to the airport before 10am should be free. “

  667. “My 15 month old loves me so much. Granted he’s only known me for about a year. “

  668. “My 6 year old lost his first tooth today. It was so hard to tell him the tooth fairy died yesterday. “

  669. “I’m so tired. Almost time to crawl into bed and not be able to sleep for three hours. “

  670. “There’s no place like home but a zoo is pretty similar”

  671. “Wow. Even being unproductive is exhausting. “

  672. “I hope the new iPhone comes with phone reception. “

  673. “Its nice when people tell they are psychic because you also find out they are crazy. “

  674. “I think “morning” means “speak loud” in Little Kid. “

  675. “Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs. “

  676. “If a parent doing their job is parenting then it’s only makes sense that a kid doing their job is kidding.”

  677. “What exactly is the difference between a New York City Park bathroom and a Law & Order crime scene? “

  678. “Coffee should be embarrassed by how little it helps me get through the day. “

  679. “Someone needs to create a lollipop that looks like an iPhone for one year olds. “

  680. “Morning has broken, and I’m pretty sure one of my kids broke it. “

  681. “I have four children and only three Eskimo Pies. Looks like I’m eating three Eskimo Pies. “

  682. “Why do all public restrooms feel haunted? “

  683. “”Let’s put some delicious peanut butter inside a delicious nugget of pretzel.” – Most Brilliant Person Ever”

  684. “Sometimes I’ll nap with my 15 month old son to be supportive. Sometimes I’ll nap without my 15 month old in homage to him”

  685. “Wait, you’re supposed to eat a bowl of mac & cheese at midnight, right? Asking for a fat friend. “

  686. “I’m proud to say I don’t need to drink to eat like a drunk person. Wait, is it proud or embarrassed? “

  687. “Help me settle a bet. Is it pronounced gyro or gyro or I’m drunk and I don’t want to feel my feelings? “

  688. “”Finally, jacket weather!” – Every Fat Guy “

  689. “I can’t believe soon I will be the father of 5 children! Maybe it’s time for me to start helping @jeanniegaffigan around the house. Nah “

  690. ““I’ve been eating horribly ever since they canceled the NHL season.” – This week’s excuse”

  691. “t’s exhausting complaining about how tired I am. “

  692. “Just told my 3-year old cotton candy is just blue hair”

  693. “There is not being in a hurry slow and then there is I work in a boutique coffee shop slow. “

  694. ““Well, it’s Friday somewhere in the world.” – Dumb guy’s excuse to drink on Tuesday “

  695. “When I grow up I want to be one of the grandparents from the “Willy Wonka” movie that sat in bed 24/7. “

  696. “Fathers are like the replacement refs of parenthood. “

  697. “I love when diners have headshots up. “Wow, look at all these people I’ve never heard of that have eaten this mediocre food.”

  698. “Those documentaries on obesity always make me hungry. “

  699. “The good part about being caught in the rain is now nobody knows I haven’t showered in two days. Huh, huh, oh shoot! “

  700. “I’m not tired, but I did just try to unlock our front door with my wallet

  701. “Behind all my make up, designer clothes and wig I’m just a girl like you.”

  702. “Unbelievable! our 5-day old baby was just asleep for two minutes! “

  703. “My three-day-old son keeps trying to breastfeed off of me, which doesn’t make either of us look cool in this nightclub. “

  704. “If Wheaties are “The Breakfast of Champions” then meat lasagna has to be “The Late Night Snack of Fat Happy People”, right? “

  705. “Our newborn baby is so demanding. He needs to be held at least once a day! “

  706. “Any way I can designate my tax dollars be used to make going to the airport a less suicidal experience? “

  707. “This morning I contemplated telling my kids pretzel bits can double as breakfast cereal”

  708. “Holding a baby is a great excuse to just openly pass gas without anyone knowing. Well, at least that’s what a friend told me.”

  709. “I don’t see how charging my children for dinner makes me a bad dad. I’m just teaching them economics. “

  710. “Since I started my diet my pants are two sizes too big! Granted I just bought a bunch of pants that are two sizes too big. “

  711. “Somehow this being awake stuff never seems worth it. “

  712. “Behind all my make up, designer clothes and wig I’m just a girl like you. “

  713. “Turns out saying you worked out is so much easier than working out.”

  714. “Our 13-day old baby only smiles in his sleep. I guess he’s dreaming about me”

  715. “You people without kids will never know the joy of successfully getting a 2-year old down for a nap. Unfortunately neither will I. “

  716. “I can’t believe I didn’t win the Nobel Prize in Physics AGAIN! That thing is obviously rigged. “

  717. “Me: if you behave I’ll buy you an “Annie” t-shirt. 6yr old son: Can I get an “Annie” necklace? “

  718. “I’ve brought.my 8, 6 & 3 yr old to see “Annie” the musical by myself. Pray for me!”

  719. ““Looks like I’m not going to workout today.” – Me every day “

  720. “My 6 yr old proudly showed me piece of bamboo he found on the street. The excitement I showed him should get me a Golden Globe nomination. “

  721. “I hate it when I sleep through my nap.”

  722. “My 2 week old baby just told me he likes me more than @jeanniegaffigan.”

  723. “Turns out saying you worked out is so much easier than working out. “

  724. “Our 13-day old baby only smiles in his sleep. I guess he’s dreaming about me. “

  725. “If corporations are people then we should be able execute them for sending us catalogs in the mail.”

  726. “I hate when newborn babies give you that look of “Oh no, YOU’RE my dad?”

  727. “In a way the Lance Armstrong doping scandal proves exercise leads to cheating. “

  728. “This Halloween I’m going as a human disaster that way I don’t have get dressed up. “

  729. “This is getting ridiculous. At what point does a newborn learn to change their own diaper? “

  730. “Mashed potatoes are the ice cream of potatoes. When can we get it served in a cone? “

  731. “Feeding a 15-month old is probably the most efficient way to get syrup in your hair. “

  732. “When someone doesn’t like the flavor of peanut butter I question their loyalty to the United States. “

  733. “Can we just make serving unsalted french fries a federal offense? “

  734. “I bet in hell all the restrooms are New York City Park restrooms. “

  735. “If only changing a diaper involved only changing a diaper. “

  736. “I hate when babies wear really baggy diapers and try to act all street. “

  737. “”I’m not moody!” – Every moody person “

  738. “Boy, they don’t like when you go up for seconds at church. “

  739. “Well, time to get back to acting like I know what I’m doing. “

  740. “My six-year-old son has a hard time remembering things. I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from that thing it grows on. “

  741. “I hate when strip clubs don’t offer high chairs.”

  742. “The only bad thing about rice crackers is that they kind of taste like they were made from rice. “

  743. “Looks like I have to eat all my canned goods before they go bad. “

  744. “Now I know how Abraham Lincoln felt when he was tweeting by candlelight.”

  745. ” My favorite part of the blackout is when I turned to my 8 and 6 year olds and said, “Now I need you guys to go look for wood.”
    Expand

  746. “Power is out. Looks like I have to eat in the dark as usual. “

  747. “Has Mayor Bloomberg sounded anything but bored when giving a press conference? “

  748. “I’m glad they canceled the New York City Marathon. Now let’s get to work on ending all physical activity. “

  749. “It’s really weird how Jeannie Gaffigan has blue eyes & I have blue eyes but all of our children hate me. “

  750. “You know how you wish you could get away from all the technology and just spend some time with your family. Well you’re wrong. Kind of”

  751. “This year’s Delta inflight buckle your seat belt video isn’t as good as the last one. I give two and a half seat belts. “

  752. “New business idea: Pillows filled with food. “

  753. “Hotel Maid: Would you like turn down service? Me: No thanks; I can turn the room’s clock radio to a station nobody likes by myself. “

  754. “The inflight online service is called Gogo because that is what you mutter the entire time you are using it. “

  755. “I can’t really help people right now I’m working on not being selfish. “

  756. “My fifteen month old wakes up so happy it makes me wonder if he’s my kid. “

  757. “FYI when I take over the world I will make Monday part of the weekend. You’re welcome. “

  758. “I think it’s wrong that Baby Gap wouldn’t even give our one-month-old a work application.”

  759. “I love my children but I can’t articulate the depth of feelings I have for a toasted everything bagel with cream cheese. “

  760. “I can say I’m done with my holiday shopping if I’m not giving anyone anything right? “

  761. “I’m so good sometimes I don’t even need twitter to waste time. “

  762. ““I WAS huge. I was.” – Folgers Coffee talking to itself in the mirror. “

  763. “Judging the contents of my 15-months-old’s diaper, I’m guessing he ate a zombie from ‘The Walking Dead”.

  764. “Learned an interesting thing helping my 3rd grader with her homework, I would probably fail third grade. “

  765. ” The title “American Horror Story: Asylum” was inspired by Saturday mornings with 5 young children.”

  766. “Sadly my three year old just figured out that “fun size” Butterfingers are not spicy like I previously informed her. “

  767. “Whenever a stranger asks our baby’s name, I always say he hasn’t told us yet. “

  768. “”How can I make this more dangerous?” – Every toddler “

  769. “I try to make every day the worst day to travel. “

  770. “A wishing well is a great way teach kids how to throw money away. “

  771. “When are we going to start counting unwrapping deli meat as exercise? “

  772. “My seventeen month old is already a better athlete than me. I’m still better at math. Barely. “

  773. “I think of myself as the baby whisperer. By that I mean I whisper whenever I’m around a baby so they don’t wake up and start screaming. “

  774. “Some jerk ate the pint of Ben & Jerry’s I bought for my kids. The jerk also spilled it on my pants and my face. I think it was baby. “

  775. “Ok coffee, you win. I’m lost without you. Where do I send all my money? “

  776. “Is it still necessary for espresso machines to be the size of the space shuttle?”

  777. “Just overheard someone talking about a gluten-free bagel and it made me angry. “

  778. “How many horse tranquilizers are you allowed to give a screaming newborn? “

  779. “When you think about it that “Wheels on the Bus” bus ride sounded pretty annoying. “

  780. “I do my healthiest eating when I’m sleeping. “

  781. “How does waking up when it’s dark out not feel like a big mistake?”

  782. “Boy, babies sure don’t like wasabi. “

  783. “Just a reminder sneering at someone holding a screaming baby does not stop the baby from screaming.”

  784. “People say the economy is improving but my fitness modeling career is still slow.”

  785. “What was the drug Elvis took for energy after eating a big unhealthy meal? And how would someone get that drug? Asking for a friend.”

  786. “Wouldn’t it be great if Prince William and Kate named their baby News Filler? “

  787. “Hey what’s going on? No really, what is going on? I don’t know. I have 5 kids 8 yrs & under so I have no idea of what is going on.”

  788. “Just spent 20 min trying to explain what an NFL timeout was to my 3 yr old “Why is that man in trouble?”

  789. “There are anti-oxidants in sausage pizza, right? “

  790. “Darn. I was thinking of stealing this ugly filthy hotel pillow”

  791. ““What the hell does this bastard want?” Me whenever I receive any email “

  792. “When I die I want to come back as an everything bagel. Then I know I will be loved. “

  793. “Ok morning, we get it. You’re horrible. Settle down. “

  794. “Just got my first Grammy Nomination. Suddenly awards shows aren’t so “stupid” after all. “

  795. “In a way people that work in coffee shops are also First Responders. “

  796. “Why do the people that work in coffee shops always seem like the ones that need caffeine? “

  797. “Which animal is more delicious the cow, the pig or the bacon cheeseburger? “

  798. “How do you tell a newborn they are drinking too much coffee and not offend them? “

  799. “I’m just glad it’s illegal to eat healthy during December. “

  800. “.@benandjerrys = happy kids. Thx @benandjerrys The screaming stopped for 5 minutes!”

  801. “I would never wear my hair in a ponytail. Mostly because I don’t have enough of it. “

  802. “I bet people in a coma occasionally think, “This is pretty sweet actually.”

  803. “I can’t even decide what to feel horrible about today. “

  804. “I should probably get coffee something for Christmas, Maybe a mug? “

  805. “Been watching television without eating. I feel like I’m working. “

  806. “It seems no matter how much mistletoe I eat, no one will kiss me. “

  807. “I’ve never even thought of hitting my children. Other people’s kids? All the time. “

  808. “I like to think of myself as the Martha Stewart of slobs. “

  809. “I don’t know why people call me a baby. I rarely cry when I wet myself.”