The Wit And Wisdom of Comedian Jim Gaffigan!
Some of you might be familiar with comedian Jim Gaffigan, (Beyond the Pale, King Baby).
Well, being a “Twitterer”, I follow Jim’s “tweets”, & some of them are hilarious.
I will continue to post them, as I get them!
(I could kill myself, for not thinking to do this earlier!)
These are all tweets that I have received from Jim.
1. “Why do we look, after we have used a tissue? What do we expect to find? ‘Look, a pocket watch!'”
2. “Has anyone used the term more dumb”, & not sounded more dumb?”
3. “Seeing someone in their underwear is either arousing or terrifying. One of the reasons that I never wear any.”
4. “I think anyone who buys Extenze should not allowed to vote. Proof that it doesn’t work: the name Extenze”
5. “Did the person who invented the tofu dog ever actually eat a hot dog?”
6.”At night: ‘Yea, Jalapenos!’
In the morning: ‘Boo, Jalapenos!'”
7. “I think that it’s weird when personal trainers are out of shape.
‘You should do some sit-ups.
I never do, but you should””
8. “JUST FINISHED A MARATHON!
Sure, it was a marathon nap, but I’m still proud of myself. I’m glad that I carb loaded beforehand.”
9. “Can’t believe they named a piece of excersize equipment the treadmill. ‘Oh, I can’t wait to get on the treadmill. That doesn’t sound boring.'”
10. “The winter vest is really the thong of coats.
Of the 2, I probably look better in the vest.”
11. “Has anyone wearing a neck brace ever NOT looked like they were faking it?
‘It’s awkward, but the insurance settlement will be worth it.'”
12.”Just had some laundry done at the hotel.
Now, I can’t afford to send my kids to college.”
13. “Eating crab is too much work.
They are the pistachio of seafood.”
14. “Parents are like comedians.
I don’t assume they are crazy, but the odds are pretty good.”
15. “Fall is here. It is one of my favorite days of the year.”
16. “This morning stuff happens waaaaaay too early!”
17.”The hayride. It’s a bumpy uncomfortable ride AND I get to sit on hay? Sign me up!”
18. “If I were president, all beer would be served colder”
19. “Is it me or are steakhouses an inch away from being a strip club?”
20. “Had to throw a bottle of urine and a dead rat in the garbage. Just another day at the park in NYC with my kids. (wish I was exaggerating)
“What is that chemical in Doritos that makes you HAVE to eat the entire bag after you eat just one?”
peachfuzz1954 - October 20, 2009 at 11:25 am |
“Indian food should be considered a hate crime to your bowels.”
peachfuzz1954 - October 21, 2009 at 10:59 pm |
“Dear Indian food: There is a difference between spicy and lethal. P.S. Um can I use your bathroom?”
peachfuzz1954 - October 21, 2009 at 11:00 pm |
‘That song “I like to move it move it” does make me want to move it…away from where that song is playing.”
peachfuzz1954 - November 2, 2009 at 10:36 am |
“It’s weird that they have expiration dates on vitamins. That almost implies that they actually worked at some point.”
peachfuzz1954 - November 2, 2009 at 8:26 pm |
“When ever I hear the song “Up, up and away” I always have the desire to load a gun and shoot myself.”
peachfuzz1954 - November 5, 2009 at 2:10 am |
” Hey bellhop you’d get a better tip if you didn’t think my name was Gassigan. “
peachfuzz1954 - November 10, 2009 at 6:18 am |
“Why is it when you are wearing nice clothes people always think you’ve lost weight?”
“I’m tired of people playing pool and pretending it’s fun.”
“When I heard they found water on the moon it made me realize how little I care if there is water on the moon.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 1, 2009 at 1:06 am |
“Is the Pointsetta the candy corn or Peeps of flowers?”
peachfuzz1954 - December 10, 2009 at 4:00 am |
“We are so lazy and bored that we actually watch people play cards on tv?”
peachfuzz1954 - December 12, 2009 at 8:58 pm |
“I’m Catholic and rooting for the Saints right now. Does that mean I still have to got to church tomorrow?”
peachfuzz1954 - December 20, 2009 at 8:43 pm |
“Dear Bratwurst, The hot dog means nothing to me. Love Jim P.S. We should get together with mustard more often.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 28, 2009 at 5:47 pm |
“Hey pointsettas, Christmas is over. Beat it!”
peachfuzz1954 - December 28, 2009 at 5:48 pm |
“This may sound lazy but peeling an orange is just too much work. NOT WORTH IT!”
peachfuzz1954 - December 28, 2009 at 5:48 pm |
“Pizza Hut: “Is the pizza good?” “Good? They make it in a hut!” “Um I think I’ll just eat at radio shack thanks”
peachfuzz1954 - January 8, 2010 at 5:03 am |
“Did some1 really think naming a restaurant Pizza HUT was a good idea? “We want a name that communicates quality food & 3rd world housing!”
peachfuzz1954 - January 8, 2010 at 5:03 am |
“ExtenZe. What is with the capital Z? Does that mean it will work on my peniZ?’
peachfuzz1954 - January 8, 2010 at 5:04 am |
“That ExtenZe Nascar has an unfair advantage. The other drivers must get destracted laughing.”
peachfuzz1954 - January 8, 2010 at 5:04 am |
“Proof the morning sucks. They actually had to create the BREAKFAST burrito AND extend “The Today Show”.
peachfuzz1954 - January 10, 2010 at 12:02 am |
“Dear Winter, You are trying too hard. Pace yourself!”
peachfuzz1954 - January 10, 2010 at 12:03 am |
“The founder of Taco Bell died. Hope this won’t affect the quality of the food.”
peachfuzz1954 - January 21, 2010 at 12:01 am |
“Just saw a drive thru beef jerky store. Has anyone ever been in that much of hurry to get beef jerky?”
peachfuzz1954 - January 21, 2010 at 12:03 am |
“If you are going to Taco Bell for a diet, you have a bigger problem than your weight.”
peachfuzz1954 - January 21, 2010 at 12:05 am |
“If watching the NFL made you lose weight, I’d be anorexic.”
peachfuzz1954 - January 21, 2010 at 12:06 am |
“I’m looking for an ornament that says I love music AND I have horrible taste.”
peachfuzz1954 - January 25, 2010 at 1:03 am |
“Can we make it federal offense to pass gas on an airplane?”
peachfuzz1954 - July 22, 2010 at 4:35 pm |
“I’m so excited to find out who will replace Larry King. No wait. I’m not interested at all. “
peachfuzz1954 - July 22, 2010 at 4:37 pm |
“Why do I spend most of my day dealing with technical breakdowns on devices that are supposed to make my life easier? “
peachfuzz1954 - July 22, 2010 at 4:38 pm |
“Why does “family friendly” always equal horrible food? “
peachfuzz1954 - July 22, 2010 at 4:39 pm |
“By the way, bratwurst does not give u diarreah. Bratwurst makes u fantisize about having diarreah. “
peachfuzz1954 - July 22, 2010 at 4:43 pm |
“I’ve had bratwurst for 4 days straight. I think that means I have to pay taxes in Wisconsin now.”
peachfuzz1954 - July 22, 2010 at 4:44 pm |
“Sunscreen may be an expensive goo that makes you look paler, but it is an expensive way to get sand to stick to your body.”
peachfuzz1954 - July 30, 2010 at 9:52 pm |
“I’m so excited to find out who will replace Larry King. No wait. I’m not interested at all.”
peachfuzz1954 - July 30, 2010 at 9:53 pm |
“Why do I spend most of my day dealing with technical breakdownson devices that are supposed to make my life easier?”
peachfuzz1954 - July 30, 2010 at 9:56 pm |
“Why does ‘family-friendly’ always mean horrible food?”
peachfuzz1954 - July 30, 2010 at 9:57 pm |
“Why is the kid’s menu, the same as the bar menu?”
peachfuzz1954 - July 30, 2010 at 9:58 pm |
“Why is it whenever I talk to a British person, it feels like they have a PHD, & I have a GED?”
peachfuzz1954 - July 30, 2010 at 10:00 pm |
“How many times can kids say, ‘Are we there yet’, before we are allowed to leave them beside the side of the road?”
peachfuzz1954 - July 30, 2010 at 10:05 pm |
“Do you think that airline mags are in competition to see who can make them the most boring?”
peachfuzz1954 - July 30, 2010 at 10:06 pm |
“It’s amazing how we rationalize. ‘It’s a pomegranite martini. It has anti-oxidents. It’s practically a vitamin'”
peachfuzz1954 - July 30, 2010 at 10:08 pm |
“My 4-year old son gave me a handmade card for Father’s Day. Maybe for Christmas, I’ll draw him a picture of some toys.”
peachfuzz1954 - July 30, 2010 at 10:10 pm |
“Just saw TOY STORY 3. Is there anyway Pixar can be in charge of ALL entertainment?”
peachfuzz1954 - July 30, 2010 at 10:11 pm |
“I’m on vacation now.This relaxing is exhausting”
peachfuzz1954 - August 6, 2010 at 7:04 pm |
“I like to think of guacamole as the Mexican Peanut Butter”.
peachfuzz1954 - August 11, 2010 at 5:32 pm |
“Watching the Care Bear’s movie. I don’t think that those bears are even singing the songs. I bet it’s dubbed. What a rip-off! Damn you, Hollywood!”
peachfuzz1954 - August 17, 2010 at 6:47 pm |
“Still watching the Care Bear’s movie. I’m starting to think that this is for kids or something.”
peachfuzz1954 - August 17, 2010 at 6:48 pm |
Dear North Korea: Look-we get it. You’re evil & have a small penis. Jeez. Get a hobby or an economy please. It’s boring.”
peachfuzz1954 - August 17, 2010 at 6:52 pm |
“I may be slow, but at least I’m faster than my IPhone.”
peachfuzz1954 - August 17, 2010 at 6:53 pm |
“FYI. If a tkt for 1 of my shows is $270, it’s either a scalper, or a time traveler, from the impending economic disaster.”
peachfuzz1954 - August 17, 2010 at 6:56 pm |
“In 5 years, I’ll probably be thinking: ‘I can’t believe 5 years ago, I cared what I would be thinking in 5 years.'”
peachfuzz1954 - August 23, 2010 at 12:53 pm |
“Goodbye, Dr. Laura I hardly knew you. Well, I don’t know you….at all. Who are you? Why are you in the news? Why don’t you have a last name?”
peachfuzz1954 - August 23, 2010 at 12:55 pm |
“5 Footlong”. Hey Subway: can you keep the word ‘foot’ out of my food?”
peachfuzz1954 - August 23, 2010 at 12:57 pm |
“When you read “SELF” magazine, aren’t you always a little disapointed that there is nothing about you in there?”
peachfuzz1954 - August 23, 2010 at 12:59 pm |
“Is it possible to hold the USA TODAY, and NOT look like you are reading a coloring book?”
peachfuzz1954 - September 19, 2010 at 3:26 am |
“Why do they call it a “HAPPY MEAL”, when it turns children into monsters?”
peachfuzz1954 - September 19, 2010 at 3:27 am |
“Just watched 6 seasons of “LOST” in 2 weeks. That’s normal, right? By the way, what year is it?”
peachfuzz1954 - September 19, 2010 at 3:29 am |
Is Fashion’s Night Out followed by National Walk of Shame’s morning?”
peachfuzz1954 - September 19, 2010 at 3:31 am |
“Fashions Night Out” At least it’s not a night gloryfying superficial materialism.”
peachfuzz1954 - September 19, 2010 at 3:33 am |
Fashion’s Night Out is like a premier…..of how whorish women will be looking this Holloween”.
peachfuzz1954 - September 19, 2010 at 3:35 am |
“I’m a bit disappointed by Hurricane Earl. Not that I ever had high expectations from anything named Earl.”
peachfuzz1954 - October 18, 2010 at 1:55 pm |
“Tropical Storm Earl? Now what am I supposed to do with all these “Hurricane Earl Blew Me?” t-shirts?”
peachfuzz1954 - October 18, 2010 at 1:57 pm |
“People who use the term ‘erudite”, are a bit too erudite for me”
peachfuzz1954 - October 18, 2010 at 2:00 pm |
“Jellyfish. Nature’s Lava Lamp”
peachfuzz1954 - October 18, 2010 at 2:01 pm |
“The octopus lays 4000 eggs. What are they? The Mormon’s of the sea?”
peachfuzz1954 - October 18, 2010 at 2:02 pm |
“The baseball hat is the official hat of the unshowered.”
peachfuzz1954 - October 18, 2010 at 2:03 pm |
“If you are too young to make breakfast, you shouldn’t be allowed to get up before 7am.”
peachfuzz1954 - October 18, 2010 at 2:04 pm |
“Do you think that the Corinthians were like: ‘We got ANOTHER letter from Paul? I didn’t even finish the first one yet!'”
peachfuzz1954 - October 18, 2010 at 2:05 pm |
“If the children are the future, then why do they wake up at such an ungodly hour?”
peachfuzz1954 - October 18, 2010 at 2:06 pm |
“I’m thankful that we are only mandated to be thankful 1 day a year.
Can you imagine being grateful year round?”
peachfuzz1954 - November 25, 2010 at 10:41 pm |
“The North-South Korea fight is really getting in the way of all that
important British wedding news.”
peachfuzz1954 - November 25, 2010 at 10:41 pm |
“There’s nothing sadder than a wet hot dog bun.”
peachfuzz1954 - November 25, 2010 at 10:42 pm |
“Don’t you wish there was a “Previously on…” recap segment for
when you run into some people?”
peachfuzz1954 - November 25, 2010 at 10:42 pm |
“Choosing an emotion for this afternoon. Fear, sadness or anger?
Hmmm. Anger you old pal, get over here.
peachfuzz1954 - November 25, 2010 at 10:43 pm |
“Why isn’t more of life as good as a toasted everything bagel with cream cheese on?”
peachfuzz1954 - November 25, 2010 at 10:43 pm |
“Banco Popular? I don’t know anyone who bancos there.”
peachfuzz1954 - November 25, 2010 at 10:44 pm |
“Just at a parent teacher conference. For some reason my daughter has a problem paying attention & a bunch of other stuff I can’t remember.”
peachfuzz1954 - November 25, 2010 at 10:45 pm |
“Just found out this wasn’t organic mustard. Had to throw my hot dog away. Better safe than sorry.”
peachfuzz1954 - November 25, 2010 at 10:45 pm |
“If I’m allowed to pick my last meal, I’d like it to be the deep dish sausage pizza from Lou Malnati’s.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 9, 2010 at 3:53 pm |
“Um, is there any way that we can get a table near the bullet hole?”
peachfuzz1954 - December 9, 2010 at 3:54 pm |
“What exactly is the dfference between a poppy seed muffin, & a muffin filled with dead fruit flies?”
peachfuzz1954 - December 9, 2010 at 3:56 pm |
“Happy Hanu….Chanu….um, Jewish holiday in December”
peachfuzz1954 - December 9, 2010 at 3:57 pm |
“Can we just make it against the law to serve guacamole without chunks of avocado in it?”
peachfuzz1954 - December 9, 2010 at 3:59 pm |
“Why does Santa make a big deal sneaking down the chimney on Xmas, when I see him walking around the mall everyday?”
peachfuzz1954 - December 9, 2010 at 4:00 pm |
“Why do they assume the Friday after Thanksgiving is Black? Does it have a deep voice?”
peachfuzz1954 - December 9, 2010 at 4:02 pm |
“People shopping is news? And I thought televising people people playing poker was pathetic.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 9, 2010 at 4:03 pm |
“The day after Thanksgiving is like the “Dancing with the Stars” of shopping days, right?”
peachfuzz1954 - December 9, 2010 at 4:04 pm |
“OK, winter. You’ve made your point: I’m a pussy.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 12, 2010 at 8:33 pm |
“Is the poinsettia the candy corn or Peeps of flowers?”
peachfuzz1954 - December 28, 2010 at 1:44 am |
“My 6-year old wrote a letter to Santa, & spelled Santa wrong. I hope that spelling doesn’t count “Santea’s” good or bad evaluation.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 28, 2010 at 1:46 am |
“This morning, my 5- year-old asked me if I could make him some dessert instead of breakfast. I guess he is my son”
peachfuzz1954 - December 28, 2010 at 1:48 am |
“How come you only remember you are out of shampoo when you are in the shower?”
peachfuzz1954 - December 28, 2010 at 1:48 am |
“Directions to our apartment should always end with”…and follow the sound of screaming children.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 28, 2010 at 1:49 am |
“Screaming children has really made me love the sound of the vacuum cleaner.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 28, 2011 at 8:00 pm |
“I always imagine St. Patrick is looking down today & thinking, ‘Whatr are they doing? I didn’t even drink?'”
peachfuzz1954 - March 28, 2011 at 8:01 pm |
“I’m more afraid of mispronouncing nuclear, than an actual meltdown.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 28, 2011 at 8:03 pm |
“Some of the topics that the news media considers ‘news’, are more depressing than the actual news.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 28, 2011 at 8:04 pm |
“Driving through Times Square, saw 2 fights. Looked less like St. Paddy’s Day, & more like UFC auditions.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 28, 2011 at 8:05 pm |
“It’s just beautiful out there today. Well, time for a nap.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 28, 2011 at 8:06 pm |
“My 6 year-old, just told me that I smell like an airplane seat. She needs to take the bus more.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 28, 2011 at 8:07 pm |
“If they ever made shampoo & conditioner bottles that looked different, I don’t know what I’d be annoyed about in the shower.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 28, 2011 at 8:08 pm |
“If I worked out half as much as i disliked, going to the gym, I’d be ripped.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 28, 2011 at 8:09 pm |
“Luckily I’m one of those people that can work out 3X a week, & still look out of shape.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 28, 2011 at 8:10 pm |
“Pregnancy cravings are adorable, but when I have those cravings, I’m a pig. I call that sexism, folks!”
peachfuzz1954 - March 28, 2011 at 8:12 pm |
“Soon I’ll have to feed 4 kids. Of course, after I feed myself. Those are going to be some skinny kids.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 28, 2011 at 8:13 pm |
“I miss my beard. I need facial hair. I feel like I look like I’m a snowman.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 28, 2011 at 8:14 pm |
“I like to think of myself…that’s all. I like to think of myself.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 28, 2011 at 8:15 pm |
” Why don’t they just rename the USA network the ‘Law & Order Marathon’ network?”
peachfuzz1954 - March 28, 2011 at 8:17 pm |
“My short tern memory is not as sharp as it use to be. Also, my short tern memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 28, 2011 at 8:18 pm |
“I’m sick of the cold. I’m ready to complain about it being too hot.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 20, 2011 at 6:09 pm |
“Today, we saw an ultrasound of our unborn baby. He already has more hair than me.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 20, 2011 at 6:11 pm |
“The best part of online shopping for kids clothes, is that it takes twice as long.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 20, 2011 at 6:12 pm |
“Had a dream the media figured out Trump was not running for prez, , & was just promoting his reality show. Oh, dreams.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 20, 2011 at 6:15 pm |
“The word economical is really an inefficient use of letters.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 20, 2011 at 6:17 pm |
“That Ottoman Empire sure knew how to put their feet up.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 20, 2011 at 6:18 pm |
“That royal wedding proves the British are right. Americans are more superficial.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 20, 2011 at 6:20 pm |
“The Royal wedding is when? And when is the Royal divorce?”
peachfuzz1954 - April 20, 2011 at 6:21 pm |
“Taco night with kids. I think they would make less of a mess, if the threw the tacos on the floor.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 20, 2011 at 6:22 pm |
“So Shaggy is afraid of a sheet, but comfortable with a dog with talks?”
peachfuzz1954 - April 20, 2011 at 6:24 pm |
“Why is the show called ‘Scooby-Doo, where are you?’ He’s in every episode! They’re never looking for him.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 20, 2011 at 6:26 pm |
“Asked my 6 y/o, if she has been working on her listening. No answer.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 20, 2011 at 6:27 pm |
“A government shutdown would worry me, if i ever thought that they were actually ever open.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 20, 2011 at 6:29 pm |
“Whenever ‘Dancing with the Stars’ is in the news, I feel a little more suicidal.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 20, 2011 at 6:30 pm |
“Thank God they are making ANOTHER Superman movie. And people say that creativity is dead in Hollywood.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 20, 2011 at 6:31 pm |
“Dear Twitter police: I didn’t misspell ‘creative”. I spelled it ‘creatively'”
peachfuzz1954 - April 20, 2011 at 6:33 pm |
“Scarey to think that we will soon have 4 kids. The good news is we live in a a 2-bedroom, 5-story walk-up.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 20, 2011 at 6:35 pm |
“The Early Bird gets the worm, but I’d rather sleep & I don’t like worms.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 17, 2011 at 7:47 pm |
“At this point, Times Square is nothing more than a brightly lit tourist prison camp.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 17, 2011 at 7:48 pm |
“Rain is God’s way of telling me that I don’t have to work out today-right?”
peachfuzz1954 - May 17, 2011 at 7:49 pm |
“If torture doesn’t work, why are they still playing ‘California Girls’ on the radio.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 17, 2011 at 7:51 pm |
“Funny how ‘Congrats’ always sounds like ‘You’re crazy’, after you tell someone that you are about to have your 4th child.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 17, 2011 at 7:54 pm |
“3-D baby ultrasounds are like peeking into your parent’s closet to see what you got for Christmas.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 17, 2011 at 7:57 pm |
“Can we stop with the holidays? I’d like to go 4 days without feeling like I have to get drunk, eat candy, or buy someone a present.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 17, 2011 at 8:01 pm |
“Those Osama photos are going to give a whole new meaning to the word ‘headshot'”
peachfuzz1954 - May 17, 2011 at 8:03 pm |
“Has anyone ever really wanted to eat a peep?”
peachfuzz1954 - May 17, 2011 at 8:04 pm |
“Sunny days are just Mother Nature’s guilt trip for lazy people.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 17, 2011 at 8:05 pm |
“Nothing like spending 3 hours on the internet, & not checking your e-mail.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 17, 2011 at 8:07 pm |
“A wise man once said: ‘Inspirational quotes make me nauseous.'”
peachfuzz1954 - May 22, 2011 at 7:56 pm |
“Anyone wanna’ buy 6 million “5/21/11: WHO LET THE RAPTURE OUT” t-shirts.
peachfuzz1954 - May 22, 2011 at 7:58 pm |
“If kids screaming & jumping up & down were a cure for a hangover, I’d feel great right now.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 22, 2011 at 7:59 pm |
“Horse racing is just NASCAR for gamblers, right?
peachfuzz1954 - May 22, 2011 at 8:00 pm |
“Is it gauche to wear the same outfit to THIS judgement day, that I wore last Judgement Day?”
peachfuzz1954 - May 22, 2011 at 8:02 pm |
“This Rapture stuff is silly. BTW: How do I become a good person in 12 hours? Anyone know what God’s favorite ice cream is?
peachfuzz1954 - May 22, 2011 at 8:03 pm |
“Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have WiFi? Asking for a friend.
peachfuzz1954 - May 22, 2011 at 8:06 pm |
“Can’t believe that I have to work on Judgement Day. I guess I can DVR it, right?”
peachfuzz1954 - May 22, 2011 at 8:06 pm |
“I didn’t say Judgement Day. I said’ Judge Mint day’. Which is better: Mentos or Tic Tacs? Hope there wasn’t any confusion.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 22, 2011 at 8:08 pm |
Only 2 days till Judgement Day, & I haven’t picked out what robe I’m gonna wear.” (God)
peachfuzz1954 - May 22, 2011 at 8:10 pm |
“Just because I’m going to be the father of 4, doesn’t mean you can look at me like I’m drinking scotch with my breakfast. It’s Bourbon, anyway!”
peachfuzz1954 - May 28, 2011 at 3:26 pm |
“My 2 y/o just pooped in her pants at the grocery store. At least we have that in common.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 28, 2011 at 3:28 pm |
“Tomorrow, I’ll be playing the role of the unshaven, sleep-deprived Dad /w a nicotine gum addiction at the 8:30am 1st grade recital.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 28, 2011 at 3:31 pm |
“On what day did God invent coffee? I bet near the end of the week, in the morning.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 1, 2011 at 6:33 pm |
“My dad may not have been the best dad, but without the comparison, I’d feel even guiltier.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 1, 2011 at 6:34 pm |
“If my 2 y/o takes her shoes off in this cab ONE more time, I’m gonna…I’m gonna put them back on her.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 1, 2011 at 6:37 pm |
“I was sick of Gwyneth Paltrow, before it was even cool to be sick of Gweneth Paltrow.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 1, 2011 at 6:39 pm |
“Heading to the park. Packed diapers, wipes, & juice boxes. I guess I should bring stuff for the kids, too.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 1, 2011 at 6:41 pm |
“Sometimes I read really boring, self-indulgent tweets, & think-“If it wouldn’t be such a blow to our relationship, I’d “unfollow myself.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 1, 2011 at 6:43 pm |
“Sometimes I think that I should be more kind. Just kidding. I don’t think.
peachfuzz1954 - June 1, 2011 at 6:45 pm |
“Boy, even that fake Judgement Day is making Flag Day, look like, well-Flag Day.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 1, 2011 at 6:46 pm |
“Sometimes I wonder how the Royal newlyweds are doing. Just kidding, I’m not that empty.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 1, 2011 at 6:48 pm |
“I refer to my black sweatpants as my “formal” sweatpants.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 1, 2011 at 6:49 pm |
“We are expecting our 4th child in June, or as I refer to it as-“bankruptcy.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 1, 2011 at 6:51 pm |
“Let me get this straight: suddenly making fun of you own nauseous, pregnant wife on the internet makes me a bad guy?”
peachfuzz1954 - June 1, 2011 at 6:53 pm |
“Pregnant women=Crazy”, is not something I said. It was something that I THOUGHT,& then shared with 500,000 strangers on the internet.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 1, 2011 at 6:56 pm |
“Everytime Donald Trump opens his mouth, a Socialist is born.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 1, 2011 at 6:57 pm |
“I hope one of the ‘7 Habits of Highly Successful People’, is buying the book, & not reading it.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 1, 2011 at 6:59 pm |
“I’m not saying my 2 y/o has bad taste in music, but she likes it when I sing to her.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 1, 2011 at 7:00 pm |
“Why didn’t the make the “W” double vee?”
peachfuzz1954 - June 1, 2011 at 7:02 pm |
“Sat through an hour of kid’s movie previews at theatre. My 6 & 5 yr olds, didn’t laugh once. never been so proud of them.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 1, 2011 at 7:04 pm |
“A ‘tweet’ actually sounds like it’s part of Easter. “In my basket, I have a chocolate bunny, 3 peeps & 5 tweets.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 1, 2011 at 7:06 pm |
“4 kids is gonna be easier than 3, right? Cause I’m tired.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 1, 2011 at 7:07 pm |
“Without Twitter, I don’t know what I’d do. Interact with my family, get work done, shower, still be out of shape.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 5, 2011 at 9:47 pm |
“It’s so embarrassing when I wrongly guess a kid’s gender. Me: ‘How old is he?’ Parent: ‘SHE is 23!’ Me: Wow. Lot of hair.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 5, 2011 at 9:50 pm |
“Why don’t they make newborn’s clothes out of baby wipes?”
peachfuzz1954 - July 23, 2011 at 8:02 pm |
“Are Junior Mints the caviar or the turds of the York Peppermint Patty”
peachfuzz1954 - July 23, 2011 at 8:04 pm |
“Waiting in liner for an hour in 100 degree heat for the Dumbo Ride, makes you wonder who is the real dumbo.”
peachfuzz1954 - July 23, 2011 at 8:06 pm |
“So far, my favorite ride at Disney World, was the air conditioned bus ride to the hotel, Well worth the wait.”
peachfuzz1954 - July 23, 2011 at 8:09 pm |
“Epcot is just the United Nations of commercialism.”
peachfuzz1954 - July 23, 2011 at 8:10 pm |
“I don’t know which is more embarrassing: the fact that I just bought a candy bar, or that i paid $2 for it?”
peachfuzz1954 - July 23, 2011 at 8:12 pm |
“Disney is then only place where you can walk around for 12 hours, & still gain weight.”
peachfuzz1954 - July 23, 2011 at 8:13 pm |
“You ever walk behind someone who is walking so slow, that you have to hold yourself back from stabbing ’em?”
peachfuzz1954 - July 23, 2011 at 8:16 pm |
“Probably what makes cooked green peppers so special, is that they ruin the taste of any food that they are in.”
peachfuzz1954 - July 23, 2011 at 8:17 pm |
“So parenting is all about wanting your child to burp for the first 3 months, & then not wanting them to burp for the next 18 years?”
peachfuzz1954 - July 23, 2011 at 8:19 pm |
“Why are there so many mirrors at health clubs? I know what i look like. That’s why I’m going to the gym. Or should be going to the gym.”
peachfuzz1954 - July 23, 2011 at 8:21 pm |
“I’m starting to think I might bail on my modeling career.”
peachfuzz1954 - July 30, 2011 at 6:17 pm |
“If i knew that being lazy & uncompromising qualified me to be a congressman, I would have run a long time ago.”
peachfuzz1954 - July 30, 2011 at 6:19 pm |
“People treat you differently when you are holding a baby. Especially in a strip club.”
peachfuzz1954 - July 30, 2011 at 6:20 pm |
“At what point are we going to admit that all toddler artwork is horrible?”
peachfuzz1954 - July 30, 2011 at 6:21 pm |
“Maybe if the turned the economy off, & then turned it back on, it might run better. Works for my cable.”
peachfuzz1954 - July 30, 2011 at 6:22 pm |
“There should be an app for getting your phone from a 5 year old.”
peachfuzz1954 - July 30, 2011 at 6:24 pm |
“I have to give it to myself for being so humble.”
peachfuzz1954 - July 30, 2011 at 6:24 pm |
” I believe Khalil Gibran said it best: “There is no acceptable apology for the forgotten flush.”
peachfuzz1954 - July 30, 2011 at 6:26 pm |
“Last night I explained to my 5 year old son that the dark is not nearly as scary as your wife bringing home a pregnancy test.”
peachfuzz1954 - August 6, 2011 at 10:49 pm |
“Now that the debt ceiling issue is over, I wonder what the next national crisis I don’t understand will be.”
peachfuzz1954 - August 6, 2011 at 10:50 pm |
‘Trying to get my 6-week-old baby to smile and failing reminds me of my first date with Jeannie Gaffigan”
peachfuzz1954 - August 6, 2011 at 10:51 pm |
“I find reading poetry really inspires me to not read poetry.”
peachfuzz1954 - August 6, 2011 at 10:51 pm |
“Hey 2-year-olds, I know you love spaghetti but you’re horrible at eating it.”
peachfuzz1954 - August 6, 2011 at 10:52 pm |
“Ask me about my Tempur-Pedic. Then ask my wife why there are 4 kids in it every morning. Now enough with your questions, I’m tired.”
peachfuzz1954 - August 6, 2011 at 10:52 pm |
“Hey Mitt Romney, Ron Popeil called and wants his personality back.”
peachfuzz1954 - August 6, 2011 at 10:52 pm |
“Hey 2-year-olds, I know you love spaghetti but you’re horrible at eating it.’
peachfuzz1954 - August 18, 2011 at 2:18 pm |
“What exactly is the difference between waking up and being punched in the face?”
peachfuzz1954 - August 18, 2011 at 2:19 pm |
“When you think about it The Very Hungry Caterpillar probably had a serious eating disorder. Emotional eating. I’ve been there.”
peachfuzz1954 - August 18, 2011 at 2:20 pm |
“I’d really appreciate it if they’d hold off on all road construction while I’m driving. Thanks.”
peachfuzz1954 - August 18, 2011 at 2:20 pm |
“All this road construction makes it very difficult to Twitter while I’m driving.”
peachfuzz1954 - August 18, 2011 at 2:21 pm |
“Dear radio stations, instead of 40 minutes of commercial free music, how about 5 minutes of good music?”
peachfuzz1954 - August 18, 2011 at 2:22 pm |
“I’m glad eating tons of cheese makes you feel sick so you stop. Otherwise I’d be dead right now.”
peachfuzz1954 - August 18, 2011 at 2:22 pm |
“The punishment for terrorists should be standing in airport security lines.”
peachfuzz1954 - August 18, 2011 at 2:23 pm |
“It’s hard to take an airline seriously when the boarding pass looks like a McDonald’s receipt.”
peachfuzz1954 - August 18, 2011 at 2:23 pm |
“What does the “corn” in unicorn stand for?”
peachfuzz1954 - August 18, 2011 at 2:24 pm |
““I need a shirt, but I also want to showcase how long my armpit hair is.” – Every guy who has bought a tank top”
peachfuzz1954 - August 18, 2011 at 2:25 pm |
“The only time someone should drink a shot is never.”
peachfuzz1954 - September 4, 2011 at 10:18 pm |
“”Simon says” this, “Simon says” that. Well Jim says Simon was quite the control freak.”
peachfuzz1954 - September 4, 2011 at 10:18 pm |
“I’m not hungry. I think I might be sick”
peachfuzz1954 - September 4, 2011 at 10:19 pm |
“Babies have it good. I’d give up the ability to talk if I could wear a diaper and have someone smile at me while they change it.”
peachfuzz1954 - September 4, 2011 at 10:19 pm |
“Hey Taco Bell, I know your food is disgusting but can you at least try to make it look edible in your commercials? Thanks.”
peachfuzz1954 - September 4, 2011 at 10:20 pm |
“I think the most impressive thing about FaceTime on my iPhone is that I never use it.”
peachfuzz1954 - September 4, 2011 at 10:21 pm |
“They should just rename vacations “eating french fries”.”
peachfuzz1954 - September 4, 2011 at 10:21 pm |
“Having kids has not made me any less cool. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to use the potty.”
peachfuzz1954 - September 4, 2011 at 10:22 pm |
“Speaking of mandatory evacuation i just ate Indian food. “
peachfuzz1954 - September 4, 2011 at 10:22 pm |
“It’s so obvious The Weather Channel is pro hurricane. Fair and balanced my ass.”
peachfuzz1954 - September 4, 2011 at 10:23 pm |
“”The world is ending!” – Everyone watching the Weather Channel!”
peachfuzz1954 - September 4, 2011 at 10:23 pm |
“”Aannd…we’ll never get to a map showing the path of Hurricane Irene.” – Weather Channel.”
peachfuzz1954 - September 4, 2011 at 10:24 pm |
“During a Hurricane the weather channel becomes the kid with a pool in 8th grade.”
peachfuzz1954 - September 4, 2011 at 10:25 pm |
“I’m in such better shape than my 2-month-old baby. He can barely hold his head up. Pathetic.”
peachfuzz1954 - September 4, 2011 at 10:25 pm |
“Hey people who have the alarm noise as your ringtone, I’d like you to die.”
peachfuzz1954 - September 4, 2011 at 10:25 pm |
“Hey who else is watching “Keeping Up with the Gadhafis” on CNN?”
peachfuzz1954 - September 4, 2011 at 10:26 pm |
“At this point is there a reality show premise that’s ever been turned down?”
peachfuzz1954 - September 4, 2011 at 10:26 pm |
“I like swimming with a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool.”
peachfuzz1954 - September 4, 2011 at 10:26 pm |
“Why does everyone in LA look like they are on a reality show?”
peachfuzz1954 - September 8, 2011 at 3:33 am |
“Why is there more dignity in stripping than auditioning?”
peachfuzz1954 - September 21, 2011 at 1:22 am |
“Ever notice that any photo you’re not in is really not that interesting?”
peachfuzz1954 - September 21, 2011 at 1:23 am |
“What exactly are the ingredients of Ranch dressing? Mayo and disappointment?”
peachfuzz1954 - September 21, 2011 at 1:23 am |
“If you ever find yourself drinking more than one shot, you are either celebrating your birthday or trying to forget you were born.”
peachfuzz1954 - September 21, 2011 at 1:24 am |
“f I didn’t have all these photos that I’ll never look at, I don’t know how I would make my computer run so slow.”
peachfuzz1954 - September 21, 2011 at 1:24 am |
“Fashion Week is just another opportunity to prove to Al-Qaeda we are not superficial and materialistic.”
peachfuzz1954 - September 21, 2011 at 1:25 am |
“Dick Cheney was on The View. Looks like the Cubs are going to win The World Series.”
peachfuzz1954 - September 21, 2011 at 1:26 am |
“We have to eat this before it goes bad.” – every single person who has ever eaten guacamole.”
peachfuzz1954 - September 21, 2011 at 1:27 am |
“Just had pizza with my 7 and 5 year old. Would it be too much for them to at least offer to pay once? Jeez.”
peachfuzz1954 - September 21, 2011 at 1:27 am |
“Taking a survey. How many of you have heard of this thing “the Internet”? Don’t cheat by Googling it.”
peachfuzz1954 - September 21, 2011 at 1:28 am |
“When are they going to come out with diet biscuits & gravy?”
peachfuzz1954 - September 21, 2011 at 1:28 am |
“Fancy hotels always have great bonuses like the chocolate on the pillow and the hair in the bathroom.”
peachfuzz1954 - September 21, 2011 at 1:29 am |
“Microwaves are like winter coats. They warm quick, people never clean them and they look ugly after a year.”
peachfuzz1954 - September 23, 2011 at 8:39 pm |
“They should have a flight to the airport. This is taking forever.”
peachfuzz1954 - September 23, 2011 at 8:40 pm |
“I sincerely don’t know how to spell sincerely without spell check. Sincerely, Jim”
peachfuzz1954 - September 23, 2011 at 8:40 pm |
“What’s that feeling called when you finally agree on what to order, then you call and the place is closed?”
peachfuzz1954 - September 23, 2011 at 8:41 pm |
“Recently I started Weight Watchers. No, that’s not it. Recently I started eating a lot & don’t care if I get fat. Sometimes I confuse the 2.”
peachfuzz1954 - September 23, 2011 at 8:41 pm |
“At this point is there anything we don’t know about the Kardashians?”
peachfuzz1954 - October 10, 2011 at 7:44 pm |
“Sometimes when I’m carrying one of my sleeping children I’m tempted to wake them up & say “You’re gonna do this for me in 20 years, right?”
peachfuzz1954 - October 10, 2011 at 7:44 pm |
“What exactly is the difference between coconut water and spoiled water?”
peachfuzz1954 - October 10, 2011 at 7:45 pm |
“Hey people that sit on planes not reading, listening to or watching anything: you look like serial killers.”
peachfuzz1954 - October 10, 2011 at 7:46 pm |
“Great news! Our apartment is going to be featured in next month’s issue of “In Sty” magazine!”
peachfuzz1954 - October 10, 2011 at 7:46 pm |
“Is it a coincidence that Ranch is a style of house and a horrible salad dressing?”
peachfuzz1954 - October 10, 2011 at 7:47 pm |
“At this point I view every photo of myself as a “before” photo.”
peachfuzz1954 - October 10, 2011 at 7:48 pm |
“Just curious, how many weeks can you wear the same pair of jeans before it’s gross?”
peachfuzz1954 - October 10, 2011 at 7:49 pm |
“Most of my life feels like i’m down a touchdown and there’s 48 seconds on the clock.”
peachfuzz1954 - October 10, 2011 at 7:49 pm |
“We should just rename television viewing “watching Geico commercials”.”
peachfuzz1954 - October 10, 2011 at 7:50 pm |
“Being a parent may be thankless but at least the pay is terrible.”
peachfuzz1954 - October 10, 2011 at 7:51 pm |
“I usually remember I’m trying to eat healthy when I finish eating a cheeseburger.”
peachfuzz1954 - October 10, 2011 at 7:51 pm |
“I always confuse “National Coffee Day” with “National Coughing Day” or “National Give Anything A National Day” Day.”
peachfuzz1954 - October 10, 2011 at 7:52 pm |
“The cannoli is the pastrami sandwich of dessert.”
peachfuzz1954 - October 10, 2011 at 7:53 pm |
“How old is your baby?” is the “How about this weather?” of parenting.”
peachfuzz1954 - October 10, 2011 at 7:53 pm |
“Sometimes I feel like I’m being bullied by all these anti-bullying campaigns.”
peachfuzz1954 - October 10, 2011 at 7:54 pm |
“It would take me 7 years to show someone all the photos I have of my 7 year old. Anyone interested?”
peachfuzz1954 - October 10, 2011 at 7:55 pm |
“I don’t feel guilty eating my kids’ afterschool snacks. I feel guilty telling them their mom did.”
peachfuzz1954 - October 12, 2011 at 8:59 pm |
“I bet you’d really feel guilty eating elephant in a peanut sauce.
peachfuzz1954 - October 12, 2011 at 8:59 pm |
“Spelling something wrong in a tweet is like finding out you have your zipper open in public. And not on purpose.”
peachfuzz1954 - October 12, 2011 at 9:00 pm |
“If the objective of every infomercial were to get me to say “What a piece of junk”, they’d be killing it.”
peachfuzz1954 - October 12, 2011 at 9:01 pm |
“The rumors of Playboy paying me a million dollars to not pose nude are false”
peachfuzz1954 - October 27, 2011 at 5:16 pm |
“I’ll never be mature enough to hear the term “natural gas” and not giggle a little.”
peachfuzz1954 - October 27, 2011 at 5:16 pm |
““Hey you know those people that are always outside and never watch TV? How about a channel just for them.” – Pitch for The Outdoor Channel”
peachfuzz1954 - October 27, 2011 at 5:17 pm |
“It’s sad that @ESPN has more channels than The Outdoor Channel has viewers.”
peachfuzz1954 - October 27, 2011 at 5:17 pm |
“So the “Children’s Menu” in a restaurant is essentially a sports bar menu but more expensive.”
peachfuzz1954 - October 27, 2011 at 5:18 pm |
“On Sundays @WholeFoods should have a traffic report.”
peachfuzz1954 - October 27, 2011 at 5:18 pm |
“Dear hotels, how about curtains that actually block the sunlight from entering your room?”
peachfuzz1954 - October 27, 2011 at 5:19 pm |
“My stomach has an abusive relationship with McD. “I want you but you always end up making me feel horrible.”. Figure it out stomach! Jeez./;
peachfuzz1954 - October 27, 2011 at 5:19 pm |
“I have this really cool key locator thing. If only I could find it.”
peachfuzz1954 - October 27, 2011 at 5:20 pm |
“What exactly is the difference between changing a diarrhea diaper and rubbing feces on your hands?”
peachfuzz1954 - October 27, 2011 at 5:20 pm |
“Can we just have one debate where all participants are drunk?”
peachfuzz1954 - October 27, 2011 at 5:21 pm |
“Everyone thought the last line of the National Anthem was “Play ball”, right?”
peachfuzz1954 - October 27, 2011 at 5:21 pm |
“At this point is it possible to stand at a podium and not look like you are a contestant on Jeopardy?”
peachfuzz1954 - October 27, 2011 at 5:22 pm |
“Since when is it not ok to audit a hot yoga class dressed as Batman?”
peachfuzz1954 - October 27, 2011 at 5:22 pm |
“It is now cheaper to make a movie than to rent one in a hotel room.”
peachfuzz1954 - October 27, 2011 at 5:23 pm |
“Wanted: A proofreader for my tweets. Must be able to type 140 characters a minute with their thumb while driving. No pay.”
peachfuzz1954 - October 27, 2011 at 5:23 pm |
“I wonder if the people who correct the grammar on Twitter do the same when their friends text them. “U is actually spelled Y.O.U.””
peachfuzz1954 - October 27, 2011 at 5:24 pm |
“Autocorrect is like that person who just graduated college and think they know everything.”
peachfuzz1954 - October 27, 2011 at 5:24 pm |
“Finally another Twilight movie to be annoyed by.”
peachfuzz1954 - October 27, 2011 at 5:25 pm |
“Any truth to the rumor I’m starting that the girl from the Progressive Insurance commercials is a Conservative?”
peachfuzz1954 - October 30, 2011 at 8:04 am |
“That Dove Chocolate tastes way better than that Dove beauty bar.”
peachfuzz1954 - October 30, 2011 at 8:05 am |
“♫ “On the second day of Halloween my true love gave to me: A blizzard mixed with rain and sleet.” ♫”
peachfuzz1954 - October 30, 2011 at 8:07 am |
“The audacity of Burger King selling tater-tots for breakfast! The audacity of me for buying them! “
peachfuzz1954 - November 6, 2011 at 8:15 pm |
“I wonder how much @DrOz hates that daily question, “Are you related to the Wizard of Oz”?”
peachfuzz1954 - November 6, 2011 at 8:15 pm |
“Boy, being exhausted is really draining, right?”
peachfuzz1954 - November 6, 2011 at 8:16 pm |
“If love is a battlefield, then it makes sense that getting a toddler to bed takes longer than the Vietnam conflict.”
peachfuzz1954 - November 6, 2011 at 8:17 pm |
“Now that Kim Kardashian is getting divorced maybe now she’ll finally get some media attention.”
peachfuzz1954 - November 6, 2011 at 8:17 pm |
“I’m thinking of protesting the price of milk. They are the 2%! No wonder I’m lactose intolerant. “
peachfuzz1954 - November 6, 2011 at 8:18 pm |
“Today my Halloween costume says “How many days is this slogfest through commercialism nightmare going to be?”
peachfuzz1954 - November 6, 2011 at 8:18 pm |
“So gluten-free is code for tastes horrible?”
peachfuzz1954 - November 6, 2011 at 8:19 pm |
“Boy, my 5-month old passes gas loudly. At least that’s what I told the people in church.”
peachfuzz1954 - November 22, 2011 at 11:27 pm |
“I don’t think I’ll ever forgive the media for covering “Dancing with the Stars” like it’s news.”
peachfuzz1954 - November 22, 2011 at 11:27 pm |
“Remember when flight attendants used to at least act like they liked their jobs?”
peachfuzz1954 - November 22, 2011 at 11:28 pm |
“I’m not procrastinating; it’s just that I haven’t finished doing nothing yet.”
peachfuzz1954 - November 22, 2011 at 11:28 pm |
“I want to eat a bunch of blue cheese and bacon, but I also want to appear to be healthy.” – Inventor of wedge salad”
peachfuzz1954 - November 22, 2011 at 11:29 pm |
“3 Musketers always make me sad. They mean I’m almost done with my kids Halloween candy.”
peachfuzz1954 - November 22, 2011 at 11:29 pm |
“Only on Twitter do you return something you really like.” – Confucius”
peachfuzz1954 - November 22, 2011 at 11:29 pm |
I look like I’m working hard, but actually I’m doing nothing!” – Everyone on Twitter”
peachfuzz1954 - November 22, 2011 at 11:30 pm |
“If there was no NFL, would anyone ever see commercials?”
peachfuzz1954 - November 22, 2011 at 11:30 pm |
“There should be an award for changing a diaper at 5am. Especially, if it’s your own diaper.”
peachfuzz1954 - November 22, 2011 at 11:31 pm |
“When people find out I have 4 little kids, they always treat me like I have cancer. “Four kids! You are so brave. I’ll pray for you.”
peachfuzz1954 - November 22, 2011 at 11:32 pm |
““Hey, how about something more boring than a cucumber?” – Inventor of celery”
peachfuzz1954 - November 22, 2011 at 11:32 pm |
“I hope popcorn appreciates what the microwave did for its career.”
peachfuzz1954 - November 28, 2011 at 4:23 pm |
“Hey, insurance companies instead of having a commercial on TV every 10 minutes can you just cover some of my medical bills?”
peachfuzz1954 - November 28, 2011 at 4:24 pm |
“About to have a traditional Thanksgiving dinner with my kids in a Vegas casino as the pilgrims would have wanted”
peachfuzz1954 - November 28, 2011 at 4:25 pm |
“My 5-month-old has not mentioned he’s thankful once today. Rude.”
peachfuzz1954 - November 28, 2011 at 4:25 pm |
“I’m thankful I’m only mandated to be thankful one day a year.”
peachfuzz1954 - November 28, 2011 at 4:26 pm |
“My kids are going to be surprised when they find out I’m charging for all these pick-ups and drop-offs.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 8, 2011 at 12:31 am |
“When our 5-month-old coughs he doesn’t cover his mouth. Rude.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 8, 2011 at 12:32 am |
“Oh crap, it’s December. When did that happen?”
peachfuzz1954 - December 8, 2011 at 12:32 am |
“Kid birthday parties should just be called get your child sick gatherings.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 8, 2011 at 12:33 am |
“Baby smiles are the most effective anti-depressant.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 8, 2011 at 12:33 am |
“What is the ingredient in Dominos that makes me so depressed after I eat it?”
peachfuzz1954 - December 8, 2011 at 12:34 am |
“I wish it was gain weight “for” the holidays instead of “during” the holidays.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 8, 2011 at 12:34 am |
“Women in high heels look sexy. Women walking in high heels look drunk”
peachfuzz1954 - December 8, 2011 at 12:35 am |
“One advantage of having 4 little kids is there is always one screaming. Wait, that’s not an advantage.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 8, 2011 at 12:35 am |
“Lack of knowledge is my Achilles’ knee.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 8, 2011 at 12:36 am |
“I would read more often to my children if my 7-year-old would stop correcting the words I misread.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 8, 2011 at 12:36 am |
“I bet @jeanniegaffigan wouldn’t think I sleep too much if she found out I was a newborn.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 8, 2011 at 12:37 am |
“Sometimes after I use the bathroom, I feel sorry for the toilet. “
peachfuzz1954 - December 8, 2011 at 12:38 am |
“When you think about it, Mariah Carey and Drew Carey don’t even look like sister and brother.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 8, 2011 at 12:38 am |
“Is there an anti-depressant for taking a city bus?”
‘
peachfuzz1954 - December 14, 2011 at 2:08 am |
“Vitamins are expensive but at least there is no proof they work.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 14, 2011 at 2:08 am |
“Just found out I’m Santa’s “Secret Santa”. How intimidating.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 14, 2011 at 2:09 am |
“Anyone know how to get blood off a Christmas tree?”
peachfuzz1954 - December 14, 2011 at 2:10 am |
“How about a month of obligations, overspending, difficult travel and horrible weather?” – The pitch for the month of December.
peachfuzz1954 - December 14, 2011 at 2:13 am |
“”December” From the people that brought you finals week.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 14, 2011 at 2:13 am |
“I guess Jesus was the first kid that got to celebrate Hanukkah and Christmas.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 14, 2011 at 2:14 am |
“You know how people are too busy in December? What if we added the obligation of sending a Holiday card to everyone they know?”
peachfuzz1954 - December 14, 2011 at 2:16 am |
“Sometimes when I put on workout clothes and don’t work out, I just pretend I’m a character from the “Sopranos”.
peachfuzz1954 - December 14, 2011 at 2:17 am |
“Sometimes I think I’ll never master fast forwarding through commercials.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 14, 2011 at 2:17 am |
“It’s ugly out there. By that I mean the people. When I say people I mean me.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 14, 2011 at 2:17 am |
“If there was a Mr. Twitter, I bet he’d look a lot like Mr. Peanut.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 14, 2011 at 2:18 am |
“I’ve been on this Twitter thing forever. Still haven’t gotten a check. Anyone else?”
peachfuzz1954 - December 14, 2011 at 2:19 am |
“I may not be the best dad, but at least…that’s all I got so far.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 21, 2011 at 10:46 pm |
“All I want for Christmas is for radio stations to stop playing Mariah Carey’s “All I want for Christmas is you”.
peachfuzz1954 - December 21, 2011 at 10:47 pm |
“A very pandering Happy Hanukkah to my friends and future employers in the entertainment industry.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 21, 2011 at 10:47 pm |
“Since when is not funny to respond to the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with the answer “Your death”?”
peachfuzz1954 - December 21, 2011 at 10:48 pm |
“I bet if people didn’t receive presents and get drunk at the end of December, there would tons of murders in January.
peachfuzz1954 - December 21, 2011 at 10:48 pm |
“Today I can’t even get motivated to do nothing.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 21, 2011 at 10:49 pm |
“If there were an award for getting fat, I’d eat it.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 21, 2011 at 10:50 pm |
“Well, it’s 3am. So I guess it’s time to eat something”
peachfuzz1954 - December 21, 2011 at 10:50 pm |
“At most holiday parties I feel like the bowl of salsa after the guacamole has been brought to the table.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 21, 2011 at 10:51 pm |
“I wonder if there is town in between steak-eating Omaha and bbq-eating Kansas City that specializes in Alka-Seltzer?”
peachfuzz1954 - December 21, 2011 at 10:51 pm |
“Time to start practicing that fake enthusiasm for after you get a present you didn’t want.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 21, 2011 at 10:52 pm |
“Merry Conspicuous Consumption and a Happy value system which regards social status as being determined by affluence!”
peachfuzz1954 - December 21, 2011 at 10:52 pm |
“It’s already the middle of December and I haven’t even picked out my Halloween costume yet.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 21, 2011 at 10:53 pm |
“I was thinking of buying that cushion from the infomercial that makes you arch your back but I think I’ll just go for throwing money away.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 21, 2011 at 10:53 pm |
“Twitter is so much easier than being outgoing”
peachfuzz1954 - December 21, 2011 at 10:54 pm |
“Quick, how do you wrap a broom?”
peachfuzz1954 - December 24, 2011 at 10:48 pm |
“Holiday family gatherings are stressful because you’re forced to face the short genetic distance between you and a completely insane person.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 24, 2011 at 10:49 pm |
““I’m going to create something more disappointing to eat than vegetables.” – Inventor of vitamins”
peachfuzz1954 - December 24, 2011 at 10:49 pm |
“New rule for @jeanniegaffigan If you are revolted by me getting a burger at a drive thru, you are not allowed to ask for a bite.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 24, 2011 at 10:50 pm |
“My New Year’s resolution? To be less laz”
peachfuzz1954 - January 1, 2012 at 5:01 pm |
“Today whenever someone says, “See you next year!” I secretly hope I don’t.”
peachfuzz1954 - January 1, 2012 at 5:01 pm |
“You scratch my back; I’ll scratch your…ew what are those red bumps?”
peachfuzz1954 - January 1, 2012 at 5:02 pm |
“I’ve been in Wisconsin for ten pounds. That means one week for those of you who have never visited Wisconsin.”
peachfuzz1954 - January 1, 2012 at 5:02 pm |
“I’m starting to think that burka gift to @jeanniegaffigan backfired.”
peachfuzz1954 - January 1, 2012 at 5:03 pm |
“I don’t mean to brag but I just beat my 5-year-old ten times in a row at air hockey. He sucks.”
peachfuzz1954 - January 1, 2012 at 5:03 pm |
“Whenever I accidentally watch the Bravo channel, the last thing that comes to mind is the word, “Bravo!””
peachfuzz1954 - January 1, 2012 at 5:04 pm |
“Seems like cable channels are moments away from just using people’s vacation footage as television programming.
peachfuzz1954 - January 1, 2012 at 5:04 pm |
“Most of my life I feel like a poinsettia plant the day after Christmas.”
peachfuzz1954 - January 1, 2012 at 5:05 pm |
“I hate the way my kids look at me when they catch me eating their candy”
peachfuzz1954 - January 1, 2012 at 5:06 pm |
“Day Tweeters: “I just ate a muffin” Night Tweeters: “I tore that muffin up”!”
peachfuzz1954 - January 1, 2012 at 5:07 pm |
“Someone asking for a RT kind of feels like cyber bullying, right? Please RT”
peachfuzz1954 - January 1, 2012 at 5:08 pm |
“Whenever I tweet late at night I always feel like I’m on the graveyard shift. “Looks like it’s just us doing the dirty work.”
peachfuzz1954 - January 1, 2012 at 5:08 pm |
“It’s weird that in the morning sleep always seems more important than twitter,”
peachfuzz1954 - January 1, 2012 at 5:08 pm |
“Has anyone ever visited Wisconsin and lost weight?”
peachfuzz1954 - January 1, 2012 at 5:09 pm |
“When are they going to come out with a Year in Review of all the Year in Reviews?”
peachfuzz1954 - January 1, 2012 at 5:09 pm |
“Is there a reason why “more honest” and “moronic” sound so similar?”
peachfuzz1954 - January 1, 2012 at 5:10 pm |
“When my 2-year-old announces that she used the potty, everyone’s so proud. I seem to get the completely opposite reaction.”
peachfuzz1954 - January 1, 2012 at 5:10 pm |
“Sorry but nobody over the age of six looks good in a Santa hat.”
peachfuzz1954 - January 1, 2012 at 5:10 pm |
“”Wait, on my birthday everyone was watching what game?” – Jesus”
peachfuzz1954 - January 1, 2012 at 5:11 pm |
“”We are going to make commercials worse than Toyota” – Nissan”
peachfuzz1954 - January 1, 2012 at 5:11 pm |
“Those Home Depot commercials make me feel even more like a lazy slob.”
peachfuzz1954 - January 1, 2012 at 5:12 pm |
“Hey you have four kids. Your place is a disaster anyway, right?”
peachfuzz1954 - January 1, 2012 at 5:12 pm |
“Well it’s time for that traditional $8 candy bar from the mini-bar ritual.”
peachfuzz1954 - January 1, 2012 at 5:13 pm |
“King that brought gold to the two other kings, “Wait, we didn’t have to bring money to this thing?””
peachfuzz1954 - January 1, 2012 at 5:13 pm |
“Mary: What did the innkeeper say? Joseph: (pause) He said they have “theme” room. A stable theme. Very Ralph Lauren.”
peachfuzz1954 - January 1, 2012 at 5:14 pm |
““Oh great frankincense. It’s not like we could’ve used a blanket or food.” – Joseph of Nazareth”
peachfuzz1954 - January 1, 2012 at 5:14 pm |
“I bet that Innkeeper in Bethlehem really regretted that whole “no room” thing.”
peachfuzz1954 - January 1, 2012 at 5:15 pm |
“I haven’t received a gift from you yet. Can you send the tracking number?”
peachfuzz1954 - January 1, 2012 at 5:16 pm |
“The best part of sharing a plate of pierogies with my 2 year old is that she doesn’t like pierogi. “
peachfuzz1954 - January 6, 2012 at 10:46 pm |
“On the front of the package can there be a cookie that looks like it’s throwing up?”
peachfuzz1954 - January 6, 2012 at 10:47 pm |
“I may be pale and balding but at least I’m out of shape.”
peachfuzz1954 - January 6, 2012 at 10:47 pm |
“Can someone go to the gym and work out for me? I’m trying to finish this pint of ice cream. Thanks”
peachfuzz1954 - January 6, 2012 at 10:48 pm |
“I’m going to have to start charging my kids double for these pick-ups on really cold days.”
peachfuzz1954 - January 6, 2012 at 10:48 pm |
“A two and half year old can watch a six month old, right?”
peachfuzz1954 - January 6, 2012 at 10:49 pm |
“If you’re still writing 2011 on checks, try on line banking like the rest of the world.”
peachfuzz1954 - January 6, 2012 at 10:49 pm |
“Well, I guess it’s time to get back to not being productive.”
peachfuzz1954 - January 6, 2012 at 10:50 pm |
“You know what’s better than a healthy self-image? A candy bar”
peachfuzz1954 - January 6, 2012 at 10:50 pm |
“You know how it’s really boring when someone talks about the weather? Well, how about a channel that talks about it 24 hours a day?”
peachfuzz1954 - January 6, 2012 at 10:51 pm |
“I heard they stopped using butter in Butterfingers. Hope that’s not true”
peachfuzz1954 - January 6, 2012 at 10:51 pm |
“It’s sad that eventually most songs end up sounding like “The Macarena’ to me.”
peachfuzz1954 - January 6, 2012 at 10:52 pm |
“We should be able to penalize companies for bad commercials.”
peachfuzz1954 - January 6, 2012 at 10:52 pm |
“I hate when I leave a out of a tweet.”
peachfuzz1954 - January 9, 2012 at 4:05 pm |
“It is amazing the amount of ass you have to kiss to be elected President of the United States.”
peachfuzz1954 - January 9, 2012 at 4:06 pm |
“They should just make highway rest stops out of Purell.”
peachfuzz1954 - January 9, 2012 at 4:06 pm |
“Is it necessary for there to be a guy that looks like Stephen King at every highway rest stop?”
peachfuzz1954 - January 9, 2012 at 4:07 pm |
“R there people too shy for the internet? “I don’t want use up some1 else’s bandwidth. Is it band with or bandwidth? I’m too shy to find out””
peachfuzz1954 - January 9, 2012 at 4:07 pm |
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
peachfuzz1954 - January 17, 2012 at 12:28 am |
“Would it kill my 6-month-old son to say “Thank you” just once? “
peachfuzz1954 - January 17, 2012 at 12:29 am |
“Why do drawings by little kids always have that “there’s a little bit of serial killer in me” look to them? “
peachfuzz1954 - January 17, 2012 at 12:29 am |
“Time flies when you’re having fun. And when you’re on Twitter.”
peachfuzz1954 - January 17, 2012 at 12:30 am |
““Where’s my other glove? In this pocket? There it …ugh, that’s just napkins. If I lost my fu…oh I’m holding it.””
peachfuzz1954 - January 17, 2012 at 12:30 am |
“Is it just me or do those red foil wrapped Hershey’s kisses taste almost identical to the silver foil Hershey’s kisses? I’ll keep testing.”
peachfuzz1954 - January 17, 2012 at 12:32 am |
“Besides all those accolades, talent, looks and money, what does that George Clooney guy really have going for him?”
peachfuzz1954 - January 24, 2012 at 2:35 pm |
“Eating a bag of gummy bears at 2am doesn’t really make you feel like your living healthy.”
peachfuzz1954 - January 24, 2012 at 2:35 pm |
“In the 7 months I’ve known our 7 month old he has not complimented me once.”
peachfuzz1954 - January 24, 2012 at 2:36 pm |
“Our apartment may be small but at least my kids talk like they’re on a helicopter.”
peachfuzz1954 - January 24, 2012 at 2:37 pm |
“The word “bedtime” is like a Red Bull for my children”
peachfuzz1954 - January 24, 2012 at 2:37 pm |
“How exactly is carrying a screaming two year old different from playing the bagpipes?”
peachfuzz1954 - January 24, 2012 at 2:38 pm |
“Have you ever stopped drinking Diet Coke? You lose ten pounds. Some diet.”
peachfuzz1954 - January 24, 2012 at 2:38 pm |
“Ok winter you’ve made your point: I’m a pussy”
peachfuzz1954 - January 24, 2012 at 2:39 pm |
“What is more expensive, snow skiing or burning money?”
peachfuzz1954 - January 24, 2012 at 2:39 pm |
“When I say it’s good to be home what I really mean is “it’s good to know the cable channels.”
peachfuzz1954 - January 24, 2012 at 2:40 pm |
“Wouldn’t it be great if the Republican Primary was as interesting as the media wants it to be?”
peachfuzz1954 - January 24, 2012 at 2:41 pm |
“When are they going to invent a microwave that will stir my chili? This is exhausting!”
peachfuzz1954 - February 2, 2012 at 8:18 pm |
“Twitter is so much easier than real life”
peachfuzz1954 - February 2, 2012 at 8:18 pm |
“Wait women don’t like love handles? Now what am I supposed to give my wife for Valentine’s Day.”
peachfuzz1954 - February 2, 2012 at 8:19 pm |
“Can everyone start saying salad is really bad for me so I can start craving it?”
peachfuzz1954 - February 2, 2012 at 8:19 pm |
““How about a holiday all about awkwardness and failed expectations?” – pitch for Valentines Day”
peachfuzz1954 - February 2, 2012 at 8:19 pm |
“I look so thin in complete darkness.”
peachfuzz1954 - February 2, 2012 at 8:20 pm |
“If God didn’t want us to eat late at night why did he make everything taste better at 1am?”
peachfuzz1954 - February 2, 2012 at 8:20 pm |
“So now we have to spell “Macarena” Z-U-M-B-A?”
peachfuzz1954 - February 2, 2012 at 8:21 pm |
“After the age of four how do you justify eating a doughnut?”
peachfuzz1954 - February 2, 2012 at 8:22 pm |
“I know I have a weight issue. I’m not delusional. I know I could lose one pound.”
peachfuzz1954 - February 2, 2012 at 8:22 pm |
“Any truth to the rumor I’m starting that they are going to rename the GOP Primary Debates “The Biggest Loser”?”
peachfuzz1954 - February 2, 2012 at 8:22 pm |
“Amazingly my 2 year old did NOT spill her drink at dinner tonight! She spilled my drink.”
peachfuzz1954 - February 2, 2012 at 8:23 pm |
“I’m tired of people posting when they do the most mundane things. Anyway I’m going to check my email.”
peachfuzz1954 - February 2, 2012 at 8:23 pm |
“You ever accidentally catch someone in their underwear? That’s awkward. Especially if you’re holding a knife.”
peachfuzz1954 - February 2, 2012 at 8:24 pm |
“My 7-month old got a first tooth like a week ago and he like never brushes it. Gross.”
peachfuzz1954 - February 2, 2012 at 8:24 pm |
“When are they going to come out with a Valentine’s Day condolence card? “Dear Valentine, I’m sorry I’m your Valentine.””
peachfuzz1954 - February 7, 2012 at 3:25 pm |
“To be fair it must be hard to be a flight attendant and have to ignore people all day.”
peachfuzz1954 - February 7, 2012 at 3:26 pm |
“If its called a layover shouldn’t they provide a bed?”
peachfuzz1954 - February 7, 2012 at 3:26 pm |
“The Super Bowl is like the Super Bowl of Super Bowl references.”
peachfuzz1954 - February 7, 2012 at 3:26 pm |
“Why do 4-year-olds only want to tell you a secret when you’re wearing a white shirt and they are eating chocolate?”
peachfuzz1954 - February 7, 2012 at 3:28 pm |
‘If you’re tired of liking your kids, get them piano lessons. Works like a charm.”
peachfuzz1954 - February 13, 2012 at 2:53 am |
“I don’t know where my 7 month old is right now but wherever he is I’m sure he’s peeing.”
peachfuzz1954 - February 13, 2012 at 2:54 am |
“What is the difference between insomnia and self loathing?”
peachfuzz1954 - February 13, 2012 at 2:54 am |
“Can you get jet lag from walking up stairs?”
peachfuzz1954 - February 13, 2012 at 2:55 am |
“I guess we’ll never find out who let the dogs out.”
peachfuzz1954 - February 13, 2012 at 2:56 am |
“I’m pretty confident I’ll never have to tell my kids to speak louder.”
peachfuzz1954 - February 13, 2012 at 2:57 am |
“Without Valentine’s Day, February would be… well, January.”
peachfuzz1954 - February 13, 2012 at 2:58 am |
“When are they going to come out with a Valentine’s Day condolence card? “Dear Valentine, I’m sorry I’m your Valentine.”
peachfuzz1954 - February 13, 2012 at 2:58 am |
“And here’s your Valentine’s Day forecast: Disappointment with intermittent pockets of candy eating.”
peachfuzz1954 - February 14, 2012 at 1:48 pm |
“Quick how do you say “If you go to sleep I’ll give you a $100” in babytalk?”
peachfuzz1954 - March 1, 2012 at 5:39 pm |
“You know how cute it is when a baby is asleep, what’s that like?”
peachfuzz1954 - March 1, 2012 at 5:40 pm |
“If only my goals were to be lazy and out of shape.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 1, 2012 at 5:40 pm |
“When I die, bury me with an everything bagel. Lots of cream cheese please. Thanks.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 1, 2012 at 5:41 pm |
“”I could make you edible.” – Mayonnaise to Cabbage “
peachfuzz1954 - March 1, 2012 at 5:42 pm |
“My 2 year old doesn’t really grasp the “hide” or the “seek” of hide and seek.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 1, 2012 at 5:42 pm |
“I’m watching “Sesame Street” with my 2 year old and pretending like I know the meaning of ‘the word of the day’.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 1, 2012 at 5:43 pm |
“Oscar night is the shortest Fashion Week ever.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 1, 2012 at 5:43 pm |
“It turns out our baby doesn’t speak French either.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 1, 2012 at 5:44 pm |
“Suddenly Dominos got better tasting. “
peachfuzz1954 - March 1, 2012 at 5:44 pm |
“Those late night commercials for ab machines make me glad I don’t have abs.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 1, 2012 at 5:45 pm |
“Something you don’t want to say to yourself after holding a baby, “God, I hope that’s chocolate.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 1, 2012 at 5:46 pm |
“”Organic” means diet, right? “
peachfuzz1954 - March 1, 2012 at 5:46 pm |
“My problem is I don’t like working out in front of people or when I’m alone.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 1, 2012 at 5:47 pm |
“Eating hummus is the closest I will ever come to a fasting.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 1, 2012 at 5:47 pm |
“Last night I had a dream that everyone stopped lying about what they dreamed about”
peachfuzz1954 - March 1, 2012 at 5:48 pm |
“A restaurant that doesn’t have a hamburger on the menu is like a USA Today without a Sports section.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 1, 2012 at 5:48 pm |
“Our baby now can clap which I believe qualifies him to be a member of an infomercial audience.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 6, 2012 at 1:09 am |
“Unless you are French or absolutely insane please don’t do the double kiss greeting. It’s awkward.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 9, 2012 at 4:13 pm |
“There is something so adorable and depressing about my 2-year old telling me, “You eat like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo”.
peachfuzz1954 - March 9, 2012 at 4:14 pm |
“My 6-year old: “What does this say?” Me: “Learn how to read.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 9, 2012 at 4:15 pm |
“I know it’s 3 meals a day but how many are you supposed to have at night?”
peachfuzz1954 - March 10, 2012 at 11:23 pm |
“Wait, how many meals are you allowed to eat after midnight?”
peachfuzz1954 - March 10, 2012 at 11:24 pm |
“It’s 11pm and all my kids(7,5,2 & 8mos) are still awake. That means I’m good at parenting, right?”
peachfuzz1954 - March 10, 2012 at 11:25 pm |
“Daylight Savings makes us lose an hour. It’s just like checking Twitter.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 11, 2012 at 8:28 am |
“So weird, this is the third city I’ve been in that had a restaurant named The Olive Garden. What are the odds?”
peachfuzz1954 - March 11, 2012 at 8:28 am |
“Even when I’m out of town there are screaming teething babies in my dreams.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 11, 2012 at 3:05 pm |
“Well, I’m heading to the gym. I mean I’m going to watch TV standing up while I slowly move my legs.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 12, 2012 at 1:50 pm |
“Really, whenever I get up is “too early.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 13, 2012 at 1:18 pm |
“”That went over like a fart in church.” – Guy who just farted in church”
peachfuzz1954 - March 13, 2012 at 1:19 pm |
“Sadly, I don’t think everyone ever wang-chunged on any night.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 13, 2012 at 1:20 pm |
“Is there a button to make me like myself?”
peachfuzz1954 - March 13, 2012 at 1:21 pm |
“I just walked an entire city block that did not have a Subway restaurant. Wait, there’s one.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 13, 2012 at 10:50 pm |
“Dear Babies, If you want your diaper changed, stop moving!”
peachfuzz1954 - March 14, 2012 at 3:16 pm |
“I haven’t gotten my nails done in forever. I’m not exaggerating. I’ve literally never gotten my nails done.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 15, 2012 at 5:26 am |
“Given that I haven’t won a state or even received a single vote, I’m debating suspending my race for President of the United States.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 15, 2012 at 5:28 am |
“A hunger strike can be as short as a minute, right?”
peachfuzz1954 - March 16, 2012 at 5:13 pm |
“I’m much less hungry when I’m asleep.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 16, 2012 at 6:22 pm |
“These early morning tweets are made possible by the generous noise of my 6-year-old son.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 17, 2012 at 7:27 pm |
“Yeah, but has that iPad 3 ever taken four young kids skiing?”
peachfuzz1954 - March 17, 2012 at 7:32 pm |
“What are they doing? I didn’t even drink.” – St. Patrick looking down from heaven “
peachfuzz1954 - March 17, 2012 at 10:29 pm |
“You call it maze. We call it the only vegetable our kids will eat.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 18, 2012 at 8:05 pm |
“Why do my kids think me answering an important phone call is code for “start screaming”?”
peachfuzz1954 - March 21, 2012 at 3:28 pm |
“So excited to be in Omaha. Ok, I’m excited to eat a steak. I think Nebraska is the greatest steak in the union.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 22, 2012 at 3:19 am |
“I like taking my kids to IHOP. They eat like 5 dollars worth of food and do like 40 dollars worth of damage to the restaurant.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 24, 2012 at 12:34 pm |
“If so-n-so can lose tons of weight and feel really good about themselves and then gain it all back so can I! Maybe.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 24, 2012 at 12:37 pm |
“Ciudad de Rapido here we come. Day 5 on the tour bus. Amazingly I still have 4 kids. Wait, where is…”
peachfuzz1954 - March 24, 2012 at 12:38 pm |
“You’d think babies would be more embarrassed they can’t even hold their own bottle. Pathetic.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 27, 2012 at 6:46 pm |
“The guy who lives below me just called and asked if I “got my kid a dancing elephant”. How rude. It was just me jumping rope.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 28, 2012 at 12:21 am |
“Well, I’m going back to self-loathing. I mean watching television.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 29, 2012 at 7:15 pm |
“Boy, I guess I look like an idiot falling for that all-u-can-eat donut diet. Again.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 29, 2012 at 7:15 pm |
“How did we survive before Twitter? There were just not enough social media sites on which we could beg for attention and approval.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 29, 2012 at 7:16 pm |
“Trying to explain to my 2 & 1/2 yr old why there are no zombies in the graveyard. She must watch too much walking dead.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 29, 2012 at 10:23 pm |
“I’ve become amazingly good at using the bathroom while a kid bangs in the door.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 29, 2012 at 10:24 pm |
“I can’t believe I didn’t win the Mega Million thing. Granted I didn’t buy a ticket, but I’m still disappointed.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 31, 2012 at 4:47 am |
“I didn’t win the Mega Million Lottery thing and all the news is talking about is some health care bill for 50 million uninsured Americans?”
peachfuzz1954 - March 31, 2012 at 4:48 am |
“Wait, if someone sends you an email, you’re supposed to respond. When did that start?”
peachfuzz1954 - April 1, 2012 at 7:45 am |
“I love April Fools! Just kidding. It’s boring. Gotcha! April Fools. See I told it was boring.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 1, 2012 at 7:14 pm |
“How about everyone follow me and then I’ll go back to watching television.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 2, 2012 at 7:54 am |
“It’s so cute. Our 9 month old just fell asleep in his highchair. So I wrote “Jerk” in Sharpie on his forehead.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 2, 2012 at 7:55 am |
“Great, I just got fired from Twitter.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 2, 2012 at 7:56 am |
“Great I was fired again! I was actually fired from being fired! Well, at least I got my job back.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 2, 2012 at 7:57 am |
“The way you are looking at your computer/phone makes me feel fat.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 2, 2012 at 7:57 am |
“I’d like to welcome back the stomach flu to our home. I wish I could say I missed it for the past week.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 2, 2012 at 8:53 pm |
“If my spell-check could talk, how it would mock me.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 2, 2012 at 9:13 pm |
“The quietest room in my apartment is the hallway to my apartment. “
peachfuzz1954 - April 5, 2012 at 11:32 pm |
“My 7 year old already has better handwriting than me.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 6, 2012 at 2:31 pm |
“i have something really important to tell u but I’m not going to get to the point for the next 10 minutes.” – Every 5 year old boy”
peachfuzz1954 - April 6, 2012 at 2:33 pm |
“It’s spring break for my 6 year old, which means I have to act like I don’t sit around the apartment all week.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 6, 2012 at 2:42 pm |
“Just made egg salad. Well, initially I was dying eggs with my kids.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 7, 2012 at 2:07 am |
“How about a holiday that doesn’t involve 8 pounds of candy coming into my home?”
peachfuzz1954 - April 7, 2012 at 3:17 pm |
“You know how the idea of losing a hard-boiled egg in your home is horrifying? Well, what if we hid a bunch & had toddlers try to find them?”
peachfuzz1954 - April 7, 2012 at 5:20 pm |
“Easter came at a perfect time. I had just finished eating all my kids Valentine’s Day candy.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 11, 2012 at 3:05 pm |
“The good news is I just ate a jellybean I found on the ground of our apartment. The bad news is it was a tiny ball of Play Doh.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 11, 2012 at 3:06 pm |
“A man from the North Pole that brings presents seems so much more believable than a bunny that hides eggs.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 11, 2012 at 3:07 pm |
“Microwaves are supposed to smell like burnt popcorn, right?”
peachfuzz1954 - April 16, 2012 at 5:26 pm |
“I’m starting to think my 9 month old is never going to learn English. Lazy.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 16, 2012 at 5:27 pm |
“Kids are supposed to be so tech savvy today but 9-month-old just wants to lick my iPhone.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 19, 2012 at 8:33 pm |
” You know what would be a be a cruel joke? Putting 100 snaps on clothing for a wiggling baby you change in the dark.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 21, 2012 at 7:49 pm |
“”I felt as useful as a juice box without a straw” – Lyrics from my country music song about parenting”
peachfuzz1954 - April 21, 2012 at 10:25 pm |
“Wait, how do you light a microwave again?”
peachfuzz1954 - April 25, 2012 at 3:07 pm |
“The word “Grammar” is even spelled in an pretentious way. Now I”m going with “Gramm’r”. Join me?”
peachfuzz1954 - April 25, 2012 at 3:08 pm |
“Whenever you correct someone’s grammar just remember that nobody likes you.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 25, 2012 at 3:08 pm |
“Why is everyone so pro-earth when it’s so polluted?!”
peachfuzz1954 - April 25, 2012 at 3:09 pm |
“After I eat a gyro I always falafel.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 26, 2012 at 12:03 am |
“New slogan for airport: “We promise you won’t have a good time. Guaranteed!””
peachfuzz1954 - April 28, 2012 at 10:32 pm |
“Whenever someone asks, “Can I be perfectly honest with you?” The answer should always be, “No.””
peachfuzz1954 - April 28, 2012 at 10:32 pm |
“Our 10-month-old just head-butted me for the 3rd time today. I guess that means he likes hockey, right?”
peachfuzz1954 - April 28, 2012 at 10:33 pm |
“Sometimes I feel like a fat guy trapped in fat guy’s body.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 2, 2012 at 6:57 pm |
“People on this plane got so uptight when I used the bathroom to change into my PJs. Llike they’ve never seen a man in a nightgown before.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 2, 2012 at 6:58 pm |
“Just heard you are allowed to punch adults that carry pillows onto airplanes. Is this true?”
peachfuzz1954 - May 2, 2012 at 6:59 pm |
“Hey everyone with fart breath, please change that. Thanks Jim”
peachfuzz1954 - May 4, 2012 at 6:58 pm |
“High school was so much easier than Twitter.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 4, 2012 at 6:58 pm |
“Vegetables on pizza is like wheat germ on a doughnut”
peachfuzz1954 - May 5, 2012 at 5:55 am |
“If you want to get sick of pizza, just have some kids.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 5, 2012 at 5:56 am |
“Besides tasting terrible, that gluten-free stuff is great.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 8, 2012 at 9:40 pm |
“Our eldest was born 8 years ago, coincidentally the last time I had a complete conversation with @jeanniegaffigan”
peachfuzz1954 - May 8, 2012 at 9:41 pm |
“There should be a special coffee for parents. One with Chrystal Meth.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 8, 2012 at 9:42 pm |
“Can we start counting magazines as books. I’ll sound so much smarter”
peachfuzz1954 - May 8, 2012 at 9:51 pm |
“I’m thinking of dropping the whole “I’m from the street/thug life” persona.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 10, 2012 at 2:08 pm |
“I just posted a photo. Not on the internet, on the wall of this airplane. I don’t think the flight attendant likes the Backstreet Boys.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 10, 2012 at 2:09 pm |
“Since when can’t you smoke cigars on commercial airplanes!?! What’s next no BBQing in hospitals?!”
peachfuzz1954 - May 10, 2012 at 2:10 pm |
“Boy, TSA workers don’t like it when you moan while they pat you down.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 10, 2012 at 2:11 pm |
“We should rename airports “The Walking Dead” re-enactment centers.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 10, 2012 at 2:12 pm |
“There should be a children’s song “If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your Dad sleep.””
peachfuzz1954 - May 10, 2012 at 2:13 pm |
“To all the mothers: Happy Mother’s Day. Don’t let it go to your head. You are a working double tomorrow.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 13, 2012 at 9:49 pm |
“Dear super chatty outgoing early morning people in the airport, Everyone thinks you are crazy. No, you are grumpy.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 13, 2012 at 9:50 pm |
“I’m thinking of doing a butter sculpture of a stick of butter. I hope nobody has done that one yet.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 13, 2012 at 9:51 pm |
“Is the whole point of the Home Depot commercials to make feel lazy?”
peachfuzz1954 - May 15, 2012 at 2:27 pm |
“Most importantly Mother’s Day marks the start of the pre-Father’s Day season.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 15, 2012 at 2:28 pm |
“They should do a cop show w/ a sexy but strong female detective. Maybe a ponytail, tight clothes. Just for a change, right?”
peachfuzz1954 - May 19, 2012 at 8:23 am |
“You guys make twitter worth it! Just kidding, we are all wasting our lives.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 19, 2012 at 8:24 am |
“I’m already sick of writing this book I’m thinking of writing.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 19, 2012 at 8:24 am |
“I’m just a blur of exhaustion and laziness.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 19, 2012 at 8:25 am |
”
“Well, I have other things to do first.” – Procrastinator’s Motto”
peachfuzz1954 - May 19, 2012 at 8:25 am |
“Some people didn’t even take National Donut Day seriously. Jerks.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 2, 2012 at 8:13 pm |
“Its like my kids save up loudness for Saturday morning.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 2, 2012 at 8:14 pm |
“Nice weather, blah, blah, blah. When can I start eating bratwurst?”
peachfuzz1954 - June 2, 2012 at 8:15 pm |
“At the point I’m overwhelmed by the feeling of being overwhelmed.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 2, 2012 at 8:15 pm |
“I’m just glad i dont have to seek approval from strangers on the internet.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 2, 2012 at 8:16 pm |
“Wait, it’s GAIN weight for the summer, right. Not lose weight, right? “
peachfuzz1954 - June 2, 2012 at 8:16 pm |
“I haven’t been hungry for like a year.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 2, 2012 at 8:17 pm |
“t’s not that I forgot your name, it’s just I thought you might have changed yours.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 2, 2012 at 8:17 pm |
“Being a father is a lot like being the least powerful Vice President in history.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 2, 2012 at 8:18 pm |
“When is it going to be the beautiful people’s turn? How about letting them be on the cover of a magazine or sing a pop song?”
peachfuzz1954 - June 2, 2012 at 8:19 pm |
“My son is starting to walk. I guess that’s impressive. After 11 months of lying around. He still doesn’t speak English. Pathetic.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 2, 2012 at 8:20 pm |
“The only thing more depressing than being fat is the thought of being hungry.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 2, 2012 at 8:21 pm |
“If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn’t even be nominated.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 2, 2012 at 8:22 pm |
“My 11-month old walks like he’s auditioning to be an extra on “Walking Dead.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 2, 2012 at 8:23 pm |
“Like most pale people I will be occupying the indoors this summer.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 2, 2012 at 8:24 pm |
“A waiter just asked me if eat meat. I felt like a 70 year old women getting carded at a bar.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 8, 2012 at 7:22 pm |
“I always wondered why I had hair on my legs but now I know it’s for my infant children to pull themselves off the ground as I scream in pain”
peachfuzz1954 - June 8, 2012 at 7:23 pm |
“With all my friends moving to Brooklyn, I feel like Manhattan is the AOL of NYC boroughs.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 8, 2012 at 7:24 pm |
“When is drinking coffee going to be an Olympic sport?”
peachfuzz1954 - June 15, 2012 at 8:33 pm |
“You can’t even tell I’m out of shape because I have a beard, right?”
peachfuzz1954 - June 15, 2012 at 8:33 pm |
“I don’t believe in torture but I do bring my kids to church.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 15, 2012 at 8:34 pm |
“Whatever a 3-year-old says sounds like poorly written dialogue. “Daddy I’m swimming. Yea!”
peachfuzz1954 - June 21, 2012 at 9:06 am |
“We had a family tree but someone chopped it down and built a bar with it.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 21, 2012 at 9:07 am |
“Just woke my kids up and told them, “It’s Father’s Day! Where’s my present?” They just started crying. Brats.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 21, 2012 at 9:07 am |
“Babies are the two extremes on the spectrum of smell. They either smell like heaven filled with lollipops or a microwaved porta-potty.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 21, 2012 at 9:08 am |
“I’m starting to feel like the only person who hasn’t thrown a perfect game.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 21, 2012 at 9:09 am |
“I bet you vegetarians don’t even feel guilty eating baby carrots. Barbarians. “
peachfuzz1954 - June 29, 2012 at 7:12 am |
“At this point why don’t they just open a separate school for kids that don’t have a peanut allergy? “
peachfuzz1954 - June 29, 2012 at 7:13 am |
“When you have little kids how long are long are DVD players supposed to last? 10 minutes, right? “
peachfuzz1954 - June 29, 2012 at 7:14 am |
“You know what’s easier than applying sunscreen? Not going outside”
peachfuzz1954 - June 29, 2012 at 7:14 am |
“I am SO tired of being mistaken for Pit Bull.”
peachfuzz1954 - July 1, 2012 at 9:55 pm |
“I’m thinking of adding “singer” to my profile see if it gets me some work.”
peachfuzz1954 - July 1, 2012 at 9:56 pm |
“A tank top is a great way for a guy to say, “I have armpit hair and BO.””
peachfuzz1954 - July 6, 2012 at 8:12 pm |
“Little kids are just human alarm clocks. “
peachfuzz1954 - July 11, 2012 at 3:14 pm |
“I’m dumb but I’m at least I’m not …wait, what was I talking about? “
peachfuzz1954 - July 14, 2012 at 9:37 pm |
“I can’t wait for the “What did they wear on the red carpet?” gossip. It’s one of the only times I feel smart. “
peachfuzz1954 - July 14, 2012 at 9:38 pm |
““I have too much time on my hands and I want to stew in a broth of my own filth.” – People who take baths “
peachfuzz1954 - July 14, 2012 at 9:39 pm |
“Let’s be honest. She does NOT got Betty Davis eyes. She’s on drugs”
peachfuzz1954 - July 21, 2012 at 10:26 pm |
Well, it’s almost time to show up late for something else. “
peachfuzz1954 - July 21, 2012 at 10:28 pm |
“I’m sorry if apologize too much for doing nothing. “
peachfuzz1954 - July 21, 2012 at 10:28 pm |
“I don’t mean to brag but I have to admit I do make parenting look pretty hard. “
peachfuzz1954 - July 21, 2012 at 10:29 pm |
” Can someone come over and put paper in my printer? Thanks “
peachfuzz1954 - July 21, 2012 at 10:30 pm |
“The Buffet Rule is always use a clean plate for every visit, right? “
peachfuzz1954 - July 21, 2012 at 10:31 pm |
“The thin,healthy, smart people are really missing out on some horrible food at Burger King. “
peachfuzz1954 - July 21, 2012 at 10:32 pm |
“When 50 year old women argue in public it always looks like they are re-enacting a scene from “Real Housewives” “
peachfuzz1954 - July 21, 2012 at 10:33 pm |
“Burger King? More like burger…I hate myself and don’t want to feel anything- bad joke-trapped at an airport- King.”
peachfuzz1954 - July 21, 2012 at 10:33 pm |
“The only thing worse than Burger King is waiting for Burger King”
peachfuzz1954 - July 21, 2012 at 10:34 pm |
“I hate when waiters get all snobby when I ask for change for a nick”
peachfuzz1954 - July 22, 2012 at 9:01 pm |
“Whenever someone keeps telling you how many years they’ve been doing something, you know they are not very good at it. “
peachfuzz1954 - July 30, 2012 at 10:15 pm |
“I remember when we just had the Olympics as a distraction from real news. “
peachfuzz1954 - July 30, 2012 at 10:16 pm |
“When is slowly moving on the elliptical while watching TV going to be an Olympic event? “
peachfuzz1954 - July 30, 2012 at 10:17 pm |
“Somehow “Twitter Is Over Capacity” always feels like “Sorry, your name is not on the list.”
peachfuzz1954 - July 30, 2012 at 10:19 pm |
“When is someone going to offer diet fried dough? “
peachfuzz1954 - July 30, 2012 at 10:20 pm |
“Just had fun flying a kite with my 3 year old until she let go. “
peachfuzz1954 - August 4, 2012 at 3:11 pm |
“Just took my four young children out to dinner for the last time.”
peachfuzz1954 - August 4, 2012 at 3:12 pm |
“Playing Frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to just running after a Frisbee.”
peachfuzz1954 - August 4, 2012 at 3:13 pm |
“How many pairs of sunglasses does the Atlantic Ocean need? “
peachfuzz1954 - August 9, 2012 at 12:02 am |
“Turns out butterflies don’t even taste like butter. “
peachfuzz1954 - August 9, 2012 at 12:03 am |
“Seeking Sunscreen Applier. Must put sunscreen on four screaming young children. Job takes 1 hour. Sunscreen needs to be applied hourly. “
peachfuzz1954 - August 9, 2012 at 12:04 am |
“Watching the “Cinderella” for the 8 millionth time. I should probably have my kids see this one day. “
peachfuzz1954 - August 9, 2012 at 12:04 am |
“Nothing says “come and get it ladies” like a basket on your bike.
peachfuzz1954 - August 9, 2012 at 12:05 am |
“Turns out sea cucumbers just ruin a salad. Lesson learned. “
peachfuzz1954 - August 9, 2012 at 12:06 am |
“Crying doesn’t make you a baby. It makes you a cry baby. “
peachfuzz1954 - August 11, 2012 at 1:23 pm |
“I just hope we don’t find out that Red Bull is bad for you. “
peachfuzz1954 - August 14, 2012 at 11:20 pm |
“When are they going to start giving medals for not exercising? “
peachfuzz1954 - August 14, 2012 at 11:21 pm |
“I’m starting to think Abercrombie doesn’t like me standing in front of their store with my shirt off. “
peachfuzz1954 - August 14, 2012 at 11:23 pm |
“I’ll never forget the last thing my grandfather told me on his deathbed. “Wazzup?!”
peachfuzz1954 - August 22, 2012 at 12:45 am |
“My 8 yr old just explained to my 6 yr old, “A Hobo is just a homeless guy that tries to act cool.”
peachfuzz1954 - August 22, 2012 at 12:47 am |
“Walking in Memphis. Just saw the ghost of Elvis or it might have been just a fat guy. Still fun. “
peachfuzz1954 - August 22, 2012 at 12:49 am |
“Great. My parenting skills were just declared a state of emergency.”
peachfuzz1954 - August 27, 2012 at 9:43 am |
“Still haven’t gotten a Father’s Day gift from my one-year-old. I’m going to give it one more week. “
peachfuzz1954 - August 27, 2012 at 9:44 am |
“I’ve eaten healthy for 7.5 hours. When can I have a cheeseburger and fries? “
peachfuzz1954 - August 27, 2012 at 9:45 am |
“How about a cucumber that tasted horrible?” – pitch for squash
peachfuzz1954 - August 27, 2012 at 9:46 am |
“Just had a lavender donut so now I’m fat and fresh”
peachfuzz1954 - August 27, 2012 at 9:47 am |
“What if caveman drawings were really cavemen saying “If I had a TV this is what I would be watching”.
peachfuzz1954 - August 27, 2012 at 9:48 am |
“Took my kids (8, 6, 3 & 1) to the zoo by myself. Sure now I only have three kids but I’m still proud of myself. “
peachfuzz1954 - August 29, 2012 at 2:03 am |
“They should just rename midnight eating cookies. “
peachfuzz1954 - August 29, 2012 at 2:03 am |
“Probably the worst part of public bathrooms is the public part. “
peachfuzz1954 - August 29, 2012 at 2:04 am |
“Thank God Summer is almost over.” – Every Pale Person
peachfuzz1954 - September 1, 2012 at 11:35 pm |
“I’m convinced my children save up noise for Saturday morning. “
peachfuzz1954 - September 1, 2012 at 11:35 pm |
“In some ways this summer felt like a punishment for complaining about last winter. “
peachfuzz1954 - September 1, 2012 at 11:36 pm |
“We did it! And by “we” I mean “I” and by “it” I mean “nothing”.
peachfuzz1954 - September 1, 2012 at 11:37 pm |
“Got up at 6am. Did yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything. “
peachfuzz1954 - September 1, 2012 at 11:38 pm |
“Labor Day and Memorial Day are so confusing. It wouldn’t surprise me if we went back in records and found, “Oh, it’s the other way around.”
peachfuzz1954 - September 2, 2012 at 9:31 pm |
“Morning people miss out on the most important part of the day the night. “
peachfuzz1954 - September 7, 2012 at 6:59 am |
“Thinking about working out counts as working out right? “
peachfuzz1954 - September 7, 2012 at 6:59 am |
“Each of my 4 children has made me a better parent. So I figure I only need 34 more kids to be a pretty decent guy. “
peachfuzz1954 - September 7, 2012 at 7:00 am |
“Whenever someone invites me to go golfing I always think, “Wow, this person knows absolutely nothing about me.”
peachfuzz1954 - September 7, 2012 at 7:01 am |
“The USA TODAY is perfect for people like me. Someone who loves sports and doesn’t mind looking like they’re reading a coloring book.”
peachfuzz1954 - September 7, 2012 at 7:01 am |
“I may be horrible at spelling but…well, that’s all I have so far. “
peachfuzz1954 - September 7, 2012 at 7:02 am |
“When I die I don’t want to be cremated, I’d prefer to be deep-fried. “
peachfuzz1954 - September 7, 2012 at 7:03 am |
“”Maybe we can sell more clams if we put them in a liquid that looks like vomit?” – Inventor of clam chowder “
peachfuzz1954 - September 7, 2012 at 7:04 am |
“New saying: “A cheeseburger a day keeps the feelings away.”
peachfuzz1954 - September 8, 2012 at 7:17 pm |
“Just worked out because I want @jeanniegaffigan to have a husband with hot bod. Thought the gym might be a good place to find the guy. “
peachfuzz1954 - September 8, 2012 at 7:18 pm |
“It would be a lot more helpful if you guys pointed out my spelling errors before I send the tweet. “
peachfuzz1954 - September 10, 2012 at 2:17 pm |
“I’d be so fat if lived in Thailand. Or near a Thai restaurant. Oh wait I do. Well at least now I know why I’m so fat. “
peachfuzz1954 - September 10, 2012 at 2:18 pm |
“Marriages should come with three NFL-style “challenges” a year. “
peachfuzz1954 - September 10, 2012 at 2:18 pm |
“”Checking Twitter” is Internet for “Wasting Time.”
peachfuzz1954 - September 10, 2012 at 2:19 pm |
“I’m glad I don’t know what auto-correct really thinks of me. “
peachfuzz1954 - September 10, 2012 at 2:19 pm |
“Flights that require you get to the airport before 10am should be free. “
peachfuzz1954 - September 10, 2012 at 2:20 pm |
“My 15 month old loves me so much. Granted he’s only known me for about a year. “
peachfuzz1954 - September 12, 2012 at 8:54 pm |
“My 6 year old lost his first tooth today. It was so hard to tell him the tooth fairy died yesterday. “
peachfuzz1954 - September 12, 2012 at 8:54 pm |
“I’m so tired. Almost time to crawl into bed and not be able to sleep for three hours. “
peachfuzz1954 - September 12, 2012 at 8:55 pm |
“There’s no place like home but a zoo is pretty similar”
peachfuzz1954 - September 12, 2012 at 8:56 pm |
“Wow. Even being unproductive is exhausting. “
peachfuzz1954 - September 13, 2012 at 1:44 pm |
“I hope the new iPhone comes with phone reception. “
peachfuzz1954 - September 13, 2012 at 1:45 pm |
“Its nice when people tell they are psychic because you also find out they are crazy. “
peachfuzz1954 - September 15, 2012 at 6:11 am |
“I think “morning” means “speak loud” in Little Kid. “
peachfuzz1954 - September 15, 2012 at 6:12 am |
“Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs. “
peachfuzz1954 - September 19, 2012 at 3:13 pm |
“If a parent doing their job is parenting then it’s only makes sense that a kid doing their job is kidding.”
peachfuzz1954 - September 19, 2012 at 3:14 pm |
“What exactly is the difference between a New York City Park bathroom and a Law & Order crime scene? “
peachfuzz1954 - September 19, 2012 at 3:14 pm |
“Coffee should be embarrassed by how little it helps me get through the day. “
peachfuzz1954 - September 19, 2012 at 3:15 pm |
“Someone needs to create a lollipop that looks like an iPhone for one year olds. “
peachfuzz1954 - September 19, 2012 at 3:15 pm |
“Morning has broken, and I’m pretty sure one of my kids broke it. “
peachfuzz1954 - September 19, 2012 at 3:16 pm |
“I have four children and only three Eskimo Pies. Looks like I’m eating three Eskimo Pies. “
peachfuzz1954 - September 19, 2012 at 3:17 pm |
“Why do all public restrooms feel haunted? “
peachfuzz1954 - September 20, 2012 at 12:58 pm |
“”Let’s put some delicious peanut butter inside a delicious nugget of pretzel.” – Most Brilliant Person Ever”
peachfuzz1954 - September 20, 2012 at 12:58 pm |
“Sometimes I’ll nap with my 15 month old son to be supportive. Sometimes I’ll nap without my 15 month old in homage to him”
peachfuzz1954 - September 21, 2012 at 3:13 pm |
“Wait, you’re supposed to eat a bowl of mac & cheese at midnight, right? Asking for a fat friend. “
peachfuzz1954 - September 21, 2012 at 3:13 pm |
“I’m proud to say I don’t need to drink to eat like a drunk person. Wait, is it proud or embarrassed? “
peachfuzz1954 - September 22, 2012 at 10:47 am |
“Help me settle a bet. Is it pronounced gyro or gyro or I’m drunk and I don’t want to feel my feelings? “
peachfuzz1954 - September 22, 2012 at 10:48 am |
“”Finally, jacket weather!” – Every Fat Guy “
peachfuzz1954 - September 22, 2012 at 10:49 am |
“I can’t believe soon I will be the father of 5 children! Maybe it’s time for me to start helping @jeanniegaffigan around the house. Nah “
peachfuzz1954 - September 22, 2012 at 10:50 am |
““I’ve been eating horribly ever since they canceled the NHL season.” – This week’s excuse”
peachfuzz1954 - September 22, 2012 at 10:51 am |
“t’s exhausting complaining about how tired I am. “
peachfuzz1954 - September 22, 2012 at 10:52 am |
“Just told my 3-year old cotton candy is just blue hair”
peachfuzz1954 - September 24, 2012 at 12:12 am |
“There is not being in a hurry slow and then there is I work in a boutique coffee shop slow. “
peachfuzz1954 - September 24, 2012 at 12:13 am |
““Well, it’s Friday somewhere in the world.” – Dumb guy’s excuse to drink on Tuesday “
peachfuzz1954 - September 25, 2012 at 10:46 pm |
“When I grow up I want to be one of the grandparents from the “Willy Wonka” movie that sat in bed 24/7. “
peachfuzz1954 - September 25, 2012 at 10:47 pm |
“Fathers are like the replacement refs of parenthood. “
peachfuzz1954 - September 25, 2012 at 10:48 pm |
“I love when diners have headshots up. “Wow, look at all these people I’ve never heard of that have eaten this mediocre food.”
peachfuzz1954 - September 27, 2012 at 5:40 am |
“Those documentaries on obesity always make me hungry. “
peachfuzz1954 - September 27, 2012 at 5:40 am |
“The good part about being caught in the rain is now nobody knows I haven’t showered in two days. Huh, huh, oh shoot! “
peachfuzz1954 - September 28, 2012 at 6:45 pm |
“I’m not tired, but I did just try to unlock our front door with my wallet
peachfuzz1954 - September 28, 2012 at 6:46 pm |
“Behind all my make up, designer clothes and wig I’m just a girl like you.”
peachfuzz1954 - October 3, 2012 at 10:33 am |
“Unbelievable! our 5-day old baby was just asleep for two minutes! “
peachfuzz1954 - October 3, 2012 at 10:34 am |
“My three-day-old son keeps trying to breastfeed off of me, which doesn’t make either of us look cool in this nightclub. “
peachfuzz1954 - October 3, 2012 at 10:36 am |
“If Wheaties are “The Breakfast of Champions” then meat lasagna has to be “The Late Night Snack of Fat Happy People”, right? “
peachfuzz1954 - October 3, 2012 at 10:37 am |
“Our newborn baby is so demanding. He needs to be held at least once a day! “
peachfuzz1954 - October 3, 2012 at 10:37 am |
“Any way I can designate my tax dollars be used to make going to the airport a less suicidal experience? “
peachfuzz1954 - October 6, 2012 at 8:55 pm |
“This morning I contemplated telling my kids pretzel bits can double as breakfast cereal”
peachfuzz1954 - October 6, 2012 at 8:55 pm |
“Holding a baby is a great excuse to just openly pass gas without anyone knowing. Well, at least that’s what a friend told me.”
peachfuzz1954 - October 6, 2012 at 8:56 pm |
“I don’t see how charging my children for dinner makes me a bad dad. I’m just teaching them economics. “
peachfuzz1954 - October 6, 2012 at 8:57 pm |
“Since I started my diet my pants are two sizes too big! Granted I just bought a bunch of pants that are two sizes too big. “
peachfuzz1954 - October 6, 2012 at 8:57 pm |
“Somehow this being awake stuff never seems worth it. “
peachfuzz1954 - October 6, 2012 at 8:58 pm |
“Behind all my make up, designer clothes and wig I’m just a girl like you. “
peachfuzz1954 - October 6, 2012 at 8:59 pm |
“Turns out saying you worked out is so much easier than working out.”
peachfuzz1954 - October 10, 2012 at 10:58 pm |
“Our 13-day old baby only smiles in his sleep. I guess he’s dreaming about me”
peachfuzz1954 - October 10, 2012 at 10:59 pm |
“You people without kids will never know the joy of successfully getting a 2-year old down for a nap. Unfortunately neither will I. “
peachfuzz1954 - October 10, 2012 at 11:00 pm |
“I can’t believe I didn’t win the Nobel Prize in Physics AGAIN! That thing is obviously rigged. “
peachfuzz1954 - October 10, 2012 at 11:00 pm |
“Me: if you behave I’ll buy you an “Annie” t-shirt. 6yr old son: Can I get an “Annie” necklace? “
peachfuzz1954 - October 10, 2012 at 11:01 pm |
“I’ve brought.my 8, 6 & 3 yr old to see “Annie” the musical by myself. Pray for me!”
peachfuzz1954 - October 10, 2012 at 11:02 pm |
““Looks like I’m not going to workout today.” – Me every day “
peachfuzz1954 - October 10, 2012 at 11:03 pm |
“My 6 yr old proudly showed me piece of bamboo he found on the street. The excitement I showed him should get me a Golden Globe nomination. “
peachfuzz1954 - October 10, 2012 at 11:04 pm |
“I hate it when I sleep through my nap.”
peachfuzz1954 - October 14, 2012 at 6:59 am |
“My 2 week old baby just told me he likes me more than @jeanniegaffigan.”
peachfuzz1954 - October 14, 2012 at 7:00 am |
“Turns out saying you worked out is so much easier than working out. “
peachfuzz1954 - October 14, 2012 at 7:01 am |
“Our 13-day old baby only smiles in his sleep. I guess he’s dreaming about me. “
peachfuzz1954 - October 14, 2012 at 7:02 am |
“If corporations are people then we should be able execute them for sending us catalogs in the mail.”
peachfuzz1954 - October 17, 2012 at 4:13 pm |
“I hate when newborn babies give you that look of “Oh no, YOU’RE my dad?”
peachfuzz1954 - October 17, 2012 at 4:14 pm |
“In a way the Lance Armstrong doping scandal proves exercise leads to cheating. “
peachfuzz1954 - October 17, 2012 at 9:28 pm |
“This Halloween I’m going as a human disaster that way I don’t have get dressed up. “
peachfuzz1954 - October 22, 2012 at 5:37 pm |
“This is getting ridiculous. At what point does a newborn learn to change their own diaper? “
peachfuzz1954 - October 22, 2012 at 5:37 pm |
“Mashed potatoes are the ice cream of potatoes. When can we get it served in a cone? “
peachfuzz1954 - October 22, 2012 at 5:38 pm |
“Feeding a 15-month old is probably the most efficient way to get syrup in your hair. “
peachfuzz1954 - October 22, 2012 at 5:38 pm |
“When someone doesn’t like the flavor of peanut butter I question their loyalty to the United States. “
peachfuzz1954 - October 22, 2012 at 5:39 pm |
“Can we just make serving unsalted french fries a federal offense? “
peachfuzz1954 - October 22, 2012 at 5:40 pm |
“I bet in hell all the restrooms are New York City Park restrooms. “
peachfuzz1954 - October 22, 2012 at 5:41 pm |
“If only changing a diaper involved only changing a diaper. “
peachfuzz1954 - October 24, 2012 at 5:19 pm |
“I hate when babies wear really baggy diapers and try to act all street. “
peachfuzz1954 - October 26, 2012 at 10:41 pm |
“”I’m not moody!” – Every moody person “
peachfuzz1954 - October 26, 2012 at 10:42 pm |
“Boy, they don’t like when you go up for seconds at church. “
peachfuzz1954 - October 26, 2012 at 10:44 pm |
“Well, time to get back to acting like I know what I’m doing. “
peachfuzz1954 - October 26, 2012 at 10:45 pm |
“My six-year-old son has a hard time remembering things. I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from that thing it grows on. “
peachfuzz1954 - October 28, 2012 at 4:41 pm |
“I hate when strip clubs don’t offer high chairs.”
peachfuzz1954 - October 28, 2012 at 4:42 pm |
“The only bad thing about rice crackers is that they kind of taste like they were made from rice. “
peachfuzz1954 - October 30, 2012 at 7:22 am |
“Looks like I have to eat all my canned goods before they go bad. “
peachfuzz1954 - October 30, 2012 at 7:23 am |
“Now I know how Abraham Lincoln felt when he was tweeting by candlelight.”
peachfuzz1954 - October 30, 2012 at 7:29 am |
” My favorite part of the blackout is when I turned to my 8 and 6 year olds and said, “Now I need you guys to go look for wood.”
Expand
peachfuzz1954 - October 30, 2012 at 7:30 am |
“Power is out. Looks like I have to eat in the dark as usual. “
peachfuzz1954 - October 30, 2012 at 7:31 am |
“Has Mayor Bloomberg sounded anything but bored when giving a press conference? “
peachfuzz1954 - October 30, 2012 at 7:31 am |
“I’m glad they canceled the New York City Marathon. Now let’s get to work on ending all physical activity. “
peachfuzz1954 - November 4, 2012 at 2:02 pm |
“It’s really weird how Jeannie Gaffigan has blue eyes & I have blue eyes but all of our children hate me. “
peachfuzz1954 - November 4, 2012 at 2:03 pm |
“You know how you wish you could get away from all the technology and just spend some time with your family. Well you’re wrong. Kind of”
peachfuzz1954 - November 4, 2012 at 2:04 pm |
“This year’s Delta inflight buckle your seat belt video isn’t as good as the last one. I give two and a half seat belts. “
peachfuzz1954 - November 14, 2012 at 10:24 pm |
“New business idea: Pillows filled with food. “
peachfuzz1954 - November 14, 2012 at 10:25 pm |
“Hotel Maid: Would you like turn down service? Me: No thanks; I can turn the room’s clock radio to a station nobody likes by myself. “
peachfuzz1954 - November 14, 2012 at 10:26 pm |
“The inflight online service is called Gogo because that is what you mutter the entire time you are using it. “
peachfuzz1954 - November 14, 2012 at 10:27 pm |
“I can’t really help people right now I’m working on not being selfish. “
peachfuzz1954 - November 14, 2012 at 10:28 pm |
“My fifteen month old wakes up so happy it makes me wonder if he’s my kid. “
peachfuzz1954 - November 14, 2012 at 10:32 pm |
“FYI when I take over the world I will make Monday part of the weekend. You’re welcome. “
peachfuzz1954 - November 14, 2012 at 10:34 pm |
“I think it’s wrong that Baby Gap wouldn’t even give our one-month-old a work application.”
peachfuzz1954 - November 14, 2012 at 10:35 pm |
“I love my children but I can’t articulate the depth of feelings I have for a toasted everything bagel with cream cheese. “
peachfuzz1954 - November 14, 2012 at 10:36 pm |
“I can say I’m done with my holiday shopping if I’m not giving anyone anything right? “
peachfuzz1954 - November 20, 2012 at 7:40 pm |
“I’m so good sometimes I don’t even need twitter to waste time. “
peachfuzz1954 - November 20, 2012 at 7:40 pm |
““I WAS huge. I was.” – Folgers Coffee talking to itself in the mirror. “
peachfuzz1954 - November 20, 2012 at 7:41 pm |
“Judging the contents of my 15-months-old’s diaper, I’m guessing he ate a zombie from ‘The Walking Dead”.
peachfuzz1954 - November 20, 2012 at 7:42 pm |
“Learned an interesting thing helping my 3rd grader with her homework, I would probably fail third grade. “
peachfuzz1954 - November 20, 2012 at 7:43 pm |
” The title “American Horror Story: Asylum” was inspired by Saturday mornings with 5 young children.”
peachfuzz1954 - November 20, 2012 at 7:44 pm |
“Sadly my three year old just figured out that “fun size” Butterfingers are not spicy like I previously informed her. “
peachfuzz1954 - November 20, 2012 at 7:45 pm |
“Whenever a stranger asks our baby’s name, I always say he hasn’t told us yet. “
peachfuzz1954 - November 20, 2012 at 7:45 pm |
“”How can I make this more dangerous?” – Every toddler “
peachfuzz1954 - November 20, 2012 at 7:47 pm |
“I try to make every day the worst day to travel. “
peachfuzz1954 - November 22, 2012 at 5:21 am |
“A wishing well is a great way teach kids how to throw money away. “
peachfuzz1954 - November 22, 2012 at 5:22 am |
“When are we going to start counting unwrapping deli meat as exercise? “
peachfuzz1954 - December 2, 2012 at 5:41 am |
“My seventeen month old is already a better athlete than me. I’m still better at math. Barely. “
peachfuzz1954 - December 2, 2012 at 5:42 am |
“I think of myself as the baby whisperer. By that I mean I whisper whenever I’m around a baby so they don’t wake up and start screaming. “
peachfuzz1954 - December 2, 2012 at 5:43 am |
“Some jerk ate the pint of Ben & Jerry’s I bought for my kids. The jerk also spilled it on my pants and my face. I think it was baby. “
peachfuzz1954 - December 2, 2012 at 5:43 am |
“Ok coffee, you win. I’m lost without you. Where do I send all my money? “
peachfuzz1954 - December 2, 2012 at 5:44 am |
“Is it still necessary for espresso machines to be the size of the space shuttle?”
peachfuzz1954 - December 2, 2012 at 5:45 am |
“Just overheard someone talking about a gluten-free bagel and it made me angry. “
peachfuzz1954 - December 2, 2012 at 5:46 am |
“How many horse tranquilizers are you allowed to give a screaming newborn? “
peachfuzz1954 - December 2, 2012 at 5:46 am |
“When you think about it that “Wheels on the Bus” bus ride sounded pretty annoying. “
peachfuzz1954 - December 2, 2012 at 5:48 am |
“I do my healthiest eating when I’m sleeping. “
peachfuzz1954 - December 2, 2012 at 5:48 am |
“How does waking up when it’s dark out not feel like a big mistake?”
peachfuzz1954 - December 2, 2012 at 5:49 am |
“Boy, babies sure don’t like wasabi. “
peachfuzz1954 - December 2, 2012 at 5:50 am |
“Just a reminder sneering at someone holding a screaming baby does not stop the baby from screaming.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 2, 2012 at 5:52 am |
“People say the economy is improving but my fitness modeling career is still slow.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 3, 2012 at 11:13 pm |
“What was the drug Elvis took for energy after eating a big unhealthy meal? And how would someone get that drug? Asking for a friend.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 3, 2012 at 11:15 pm |
“Wouldn’t it be great if Prince William and Kate named their baby News Filler? “
peachfuzz1954 - December 3, 2012 at 11:15 pm |
“Hey what’s going on? No really, what is going on? I don’t know. I have 5 kids 8 yrs & under so I have no idea of what is going on.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 3, 2012 at 11:17 pm |
“Just spent 20 min trying to explain what an NFL timeout was to my 3 yr old “Why is that man in trouble?”
peachfuzz1954 - December 3, 2012 at 11:22 pm |
“There are anti-oxidants in sausage pizza, right? “
peachfuzz1954 - December 3, 2012 at 11:23 pm |
“Darn. I was thinking of stealing this ugly filthy hotel pillow”
peachfuzz1954 - December 9, 2012 at 3:58 pm |
““What the hell does this bastard want?” Me whenever I receive any email “
peachfuzz1954 - December 9, 2012 at 3:58 pm |
“When I die I want to come back as an everything bagel. Then I know I will be loved. “
peachfuzz1954 - December 9, 2012 at 3:59 pm |
“Ok morning, we get it. You’re horrible. Settle down. “
peachfuzz1954 - December 9, 2012 at 4:00 pm |
“Just got my first Grammy Nomination. Suddenly awards shows aren’t so “stupid” after all. “
peachfuzz1954 - December 9, 2012 at 4:01 pm |
“In a way people that work in coffee shops are also First Responders. “
peachfuzz1954 - December 9, 2012 at 4:02 pm |
“Why do the people that work in coffee shops always seem like the ones that need caffeine? “
peachfuzz1954 - December 9, 2012 at 4:02 pm |
“Which animal is more delicious the cow, the pig or the bacon cheeseburger? “
peachfuzz1954 - December 9, 2012 at 4:03 pm |
“How do you tell a newborn they are drinking too much coffee and not offend them? “
peachfuzz1954 - December 9, 2012 at 4:04 pm |
“I’m just glad it’s illegal to eat healthy during December. “
peachfuzz1954 - December 10, 2012 at 3:16 pm |
“.@benandjerrys = happy kids. Thx @benandjerrys The screaming stopped for 5 minutes!”
peachfuzz1954 - December 10, 2012 at 3:17 pm |
“I would never wear my hair in a ponytail. Mostly because I don’t have enough of it. “
peachfuzz1954 - December 11, 2012 at 4:24 pm |
“I bet people in a coma occasionally think, “This is pretty sweet actually.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 11, 2012 at 4:24 pm |
“I can’t even decide what to feel horrible about today. “
peachfuzz1954 - December 11, 2012 at 4:26 pm |
“I should probably get coffee something for Christmas, Maybe a mug? “
peachfuzz1954 - December 19, 2012 at 1:44 am |
“Been watching television without eating. I feel like I’m working. “
peachfuzz1954 - December 19, 2012 at 1:45 am |
“It seems no matter how much mistletoe I eat, no one will kiss me. “
peachfuzz1954 - December 19, 2012 at 1:46 am |
“I’ve never even thought of hitting my children. Other people’s kids? All the time. “
peachfuzz1954 - December 19, 2012 at 1:47 am |
“I like to think of myself as the Martha Stewart of slobs. “
peachfuzz1954 - December 19, 2012 at 1:48 am |
“I don’t know why people call me a baby. I rarely cry when I wet myself.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 24, 2012 at 3:39 pm |
“I’m not frightened of going to hell. I’ve traveled by plane with five children eight and under.
peachfuzz1954 - December 24, 2012 at 3:40 pm |
“I’m like a detective interviewing my kids. “Do you recognize anyone in this Holiday card? Look again.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 24, 2012 at 3:41 pm |
“Just had pizza with jalapeños on it. My private apocalypse is coming. I’ll keep you updated.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 24, 2012 at 3:41 pm |
“When you are stressed today just remember the Starbucks in the hotel I’m staying in is closed on Christmas. Puts it in perspective, right? “
peachfuzz1954 - December 24, 2012 at 7:47 pm |
“This may sound lazy but can someone come clean my computer screen? “
peachfuzz1954 - January 7, 2013 at 11:22 pm |
“Most normal people have a separate freezer for ice cream, right? “
peachfuzz1954 - January 7, 2013 at 11:23 pm |
“I can’t find my self. Can you call it? “
peachfuzz1954 - January 7, 2013 at 11:24 pm |
“My new years resolution? I will be less laz….”
peachfuzz1954 - January 7, 2013 at 11:25 pm |
“How smart is a whip anyway? “
peachfuzz1954 - January 7, 2013 at 11:27 pm |
“There should be way more poetry about cheeseburgers. “
peachfuzz1954 - January 7, 2013 at 11:28 pm |
“In Wisconsin even the Christmas decorations are edible. “
peachfuzz1954 - January 7, 2013 at 11:28 pm |
“If I bought a zoo I’d eat all the animals and put my kids in the cages.”
peachfuzz1954 - January 7, 2013 at 11:29 pm |
“I’m so much nicer to jalapeños than they are to me. “
peachfuzz1954 - January 8, 2013 at 7:26 pm |
“I didn’t have a tattoo before it was even uncool to not have a tattoo. “
peachfuzz1954 - January 11, 2013 at 6:56 pm |
“Nobody tries harder than a hotel lobby in Los Angeles”
peachfuzz1954 - January 11, 2013 at 7:05 pm |
“Already resenting that I have to wake up tomorrow. “
peachfuzz1954 - January 15, 2013 at 3:41 pm |
“If anything the Lance Armstrong confession confirms my belief that exercise leads to deceitful behavior. Told you @jeanniegaffigan”
peachfuzz1954 - January 15, 2013 at 3:41 pm |
“I can’t wait to not care about what people thought of what people wore to receive awards for stuff. “
peachfuzz1954 - January 15, 2013 at 3:42 pm |
“Conducting an experiment. Does eating make you warmer?
peachfuzz1954 - January 28, 2013 at 8:40 am |
“If you want something to be misinterpreted, post it on the Internet.”
peachfuzz1954 - January 28, 2013 at 8:41 am |
“I bet the frowny face icon was invented on a cold early morning. 😦 “
peachfuzz1954 - January 28, 2013 at 8:43 am |
“Just looked my calendar to see what I’m going to be late for tomorrow.”
peachfuzz1954 - January 28, 2013 at 8:44 am |
“I can still blame my unhealthy eating on “the holidays”, right? President’s Day is coming up.”
peachfuzz1954 - January 28, 2013 at 8:45 am |
“There is never enough hot chocolate for days this cold”
peachfuzz1954 - January 28, 2013 at 8:46 am |
“I’m not the only that finds sitting in a chair exhausting, right?”
peachfuzz1954 - January 28, 2013 at 8:46 am |
“Feeling this horrible makes me really regret not drinking last night”
peachfuzz1954 - January 28, 2013 at 8:47 am |
“I’m not fat, I have a child bearing stomach.”
peachfuzz1954 - January 28, 2013 at 8:48 am |
“Who is this Babar and why does my son keep calling me that?”
peachfuzz1954 - January 30, 2013 at 2:55 pm |
“I’d say good morning but I hate to start the day with a lie.”
peachfuzz1954 - February 5, 2013 at 2:21 pm |
“I guess I’ll just continue to do nothing”
peachfuzz1954 - February 5, 2013 at 2:22 pm |
“You might be from Mexico but I’m sure I’ve eaten more Mexican food than you.”
peachfuzz1954 - February 5, 2013 at 2:23 pm |
“Super Bowl Sunday is like Thanksgiving with better priorities.”
peachfuzz1954 - February 5, 2013 at 2:25 pm |
“Just explained the concept of a courtesy flush to my 7 year old son. You’re welcome society.”
peachfuzz1954 - February 5, 2013 at 2:27 pm |
“They should rename “Super Bowl Sunday” “Eat like Jim Gaffigan Day””
peachfuzz1954 - February 5, 2013 at 2:28 pm |
“Aren’t we all sleep professionals?”
peachfuzz1954 - February 19, 2013 at 3:02 pm |
“I wish people would stop putting invisible cotton in my mouth while I sleep.”
peachfuzz1954 - February 19, 2013 at 3:02 pm |
“You’d think being in a pickle would be a good thing.”
peachfuzz1954 - February 19, 2013 at 3:03 pm |
“If only eating steak were considered a skill.”
peachfuzz1954 - February 19, 2013 at 3:03 pm |
“At what age can you start your kids working in a sweatshop?”
peachfuzz1954 - February 19, 2013 at 3:04 pm |
“f I died right now there is a possibility some of my children may remember me only as the guy who came home with overpriced guacamole.”
peachfuzz1954 - February 19, 2013 at 3:04 pm |
“What is the difference between going to the airport before 7am and jumping on a grenade?”
peachfuzz1954 - February 19, 2013 at 3:05 pm |
“I’m just not good at the being awake part of life.”
peachfuzz1954 - February 19, 2013 at 3:07 pm |
“I hate people that are negative. They are the worst and unavoidable. I can’t escape them!”
peachfuzz1954 - February 19, 2013 at 3:08 pm |
“The Oscars, the actor’s St. Patrick’s Day.”
peachfuzz1954 - February 27, 2013 at 5:31 pm |
“A basket is not a smart place to store eggs anyway.”
peachfuzz1954 - February 27, 2013 at 5:31 pm |
“”Excuse me, is this an airport lounge or possibly a warm, luxurious ski lodge?””
peachfuzz1954 - February 27, 2013 at 5:32 pm |
“Logan Airport. 5am. Woman next to me: “Do you have an early flight?” Me: “No, I just like hanging out at the airport at 5am.””
peachfuzz1954 - February 27, 2013 at 5:32 pm |
“”I got up early because I wanted to.” – Nobody”
peachfuzz1954 - February 27, 2013 at 5:33 pm |
“I think North Korea threatens South Korea with destruction more often than I eat vegetables.”
peachfuzz1954 - February 27, 2013 at 5:36 pm |
“I’m not too lazy to call you back it’s just exhausting to hold the phone near my ear.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 11, 2013 at 4:53 am |
“How come it’s cute for my 18 month old to put on my shoes but when I put on his diaper I’m creapy?”
peachfuzz1954 - March 11, 2013 at 4:54 am |
“Can’t wait to see former Pope Benedict on Dancing With The Stars!”
peachfuzz1954 - March 11, 2013 at 4:55 am |
“I’m tired of acting like I know how to use those automatic faucets in public restrooms.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 11, 2013 at 4:56 am |
“I need a drink cozy that says “I’m a pervert with no sense of humor.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 11, 2013 at 4:56 am |
“I’d like to apologize in advance for all hotel rooms my children destroy.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 15, 2013 at 4:21 pm |
“You can die from parenting right?”
peachfuzz1954 - March 15, 2013 at 4:22 pm |
“Why are all the ladies at the gym looking at me like i’m hiding a bag of sausage?”
peachfuzz1954 - March 15, 2013 at 4:22 pm |
“I like to think all pizzas are personal pizzas.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 15, 2013 at 4:23 pm |
“Someone needs to invent an umbrella that doesn’t make people walk slow.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 15, 2013 at 4:24 pm |
“St. Patrick’s Day is the Golden Globes of alcohol consumption.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 15, 2013 at 4:24 pm |
“Taking my 3 oldest fishing. More acting like I know what I’m doing. Little Rock tonight unless I die.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 27, 2013 at 12:37 am |
“When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 27, 2013 at 12:38 am |
“”Oh my gosh, another farm!” – my three year old every 30 seconds on drive to Wichita.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 27, 2013 at 12:38 am |
“When is someone going to open a bed and bagel?”
peachfuzz1954 - March 27, 2013 at 12:39 am |
“Serving weak coffee should be a criminal offense.”
peachfuzz1954 - March 27, 2013 at 12:39 am |
“Me: We are going to Kansas. My 3 yr old: Are we going to meet Dorothy?”
peachfuzz1954 - March 27, 2013 at 12:40 am |
“Is it necessary for every office-building stairwell to look like a Law & Order crime scene?”
peachfuzz1954 - April 3, 2013 at 3:33 pm |
“”Is the Easter Bunny from China?” – my 3 year old after I told her what was written on back of the plastic jewelry in her basket.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 3, 2013 at 3:34 pm |
“Peel ‘n eat shrimp feels remarkably similar to tear the tail off ‘n eat the water cockroach.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 3, 2013 at 3:34 pm |
“It seemed so much scarier the first million times North Korea threatened to bomb us.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 3, 2013 at 3:35 pm |
“Boy, babysitters hate to be referred to as “slave”.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 3, 2013 at 3:35 pm |
“Miracle Whip should just be classified as a candy.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 3, 2013 at 3:36 pm |
“Photographers are just lazy writers.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 3, 2013 at 3:36 pm |
“How did we even waste time before Twitter?”
peachfuzz1954 - April 11, 2013 at 1:52 pm |
“Whenever I talk to a really good-looking person with bad breath I always think to myself, “Good. You deserve it.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 11, 2013 at 1:53 pm |
“Did we ever find out who the boss was on “Who’s the Boss?””
peachfuzz1954 - April 11, 2013 at 1:53 pm |
“How to feel and look fatter? Sit in a chair. “
peachfuzz1954 - April 11, 2013 at 1:54 pm |
“Oh No!” – me and every other fat guy realizing that we can’t hide behind a jacket anymore”
peachfuzz1954 - April 11, 2013 at 1:54 pm |
“I’m not positive but I think my six month old just gave me the finger.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 11, 2013 at 1:55 pm |
“Ever read a classic novel that really moves you? I feel that way about cheesecake.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 11, 2013 at 1:55 pm |
“My twenty-month-old son likes me so much it makes me question his judgment.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 11, 2013 at 1:56 pm |
“The airport is the best place to find room temperature sodas.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 11, 2013 at 1:57 pm |
“How about more breakfast items nobody wants ?” – Burger King”
peachfuzz1954 - April 11, 2013 at 1:57 pm |
“It’s gotten to the point where I just feel sorry for rice cakes.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 11, 2013 at 1:58 pm |
“Jalapeño cheese bread! And you say there is no God”
peachfuzz1954 - April 11, 2013 at 1:58 pm |
“Every night in Las Vegas feels like New Years Eve. Unfortunately every morning in Las Vegas feels like a funeral.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 20, 2013 at 9:11 pm |
“If you’re going to be outgoing and happy in the morning at least have the decency to kill yourself.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 20, 2013 at 9:12 pm |
“The hardest part of parenting is when I’m with my kids.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 20, 2013 at 9:12 pm |
“Sons only realize how hard it is to be a dad when they become a father.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 20, 2013 at 9:13 pm |
“Since when are you not allowed to videotape in Victoria Secret?”
peachfuzz1954 - April 20, 2013 at 9:13 pm |
“Oh no! I’m missing the movie awards show on the music television channel that only has reality shows.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 20, 2013 at 9:14 pm |
“Why is it that the people that “tell it like it is” are always the people you never want hear anything from?”
peachfuzz1954 - April 20, 2013 at 9:14 pm |
“My 7-year-old: What is that? Me: That is where they bury the kids that don’t listen to their daddy. “
peachfuzz1954 - April 20, 2013 at 9:15 pm |
“I’m still better at soccer than my 3-year-old daughter!”
peachfuzz1954 - April 20, 2013 at 9:16 pm |
“Victoria Secret just asked for my cup size. I said I normally don’t wear an athletic cup for modeling but I’d go large.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 20, 2013 at 9:17 pm |
“My first awkward moment of the day was sending out the previous tweet with a missing word.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 29, 2013 at 2:28 pm |
“I’m thinking of just giving up on my ballet career. Advice?”
peachfuzz1954 - April 29, 2013 at 2:29 pm |
“It’s so nice outside today I’m not even wearing a bra.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 29, 2013 at 2:30 pm |
“Every guy in Victoria’s Secret has the same awkward look on his face, “Uh, I’m not shopping for myself”.
peachfuzz1954 - April 29, 2013 at 2:30 pm |
“Well time to act like I know what I’m doing again.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 29, 2013 at 2:31 pm |
“Why is it easier to peel a real egg than a chocolate egg? “
peachfuzz1954 - April 29, 2013 at 2:31 pm |
“At this point coffee just makes me sleepy.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 29, 2013 at 2:32 pm |
“My wife just asked me to take out the garbage. I explained that would be insensitive on Earth Day.”
peachfuzz1954 - April 29, 2013 at 2:33 pm |
“Ladies I hope getting your nails done feels good because not a single man notices you got them done.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 1, 2013 at 7:00 pm |
“There is an ongoing meeting of painfully slow walkers on Broadway”
peachfuzz1954 - May 1, 2013 at 7:01 pm |
“Can’t they just put vitamins in beer already? Jeez.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 1, 2013 at 7:01 pm |
“Conversation between my wife and my 7-year-old son tonight.
Wife: You look so much like your daddy.
Son: That’s so mean!”
peachfuzz1954 - May 1, 2013 at 7:02 pm |
“Really the only advantage of a rainy day is that it is illegal to exercise.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 1, 2013 at 7:02 pm |
“”You might be younger than me.” – What a 70 year old woman just said to me.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 12, 2013 at 12:29 pm |
“I just showered before 9am on a Saturday. What am I in the army?”
peachfuzz1954 - May 12, 2013 at 12:29 pm |
“Chicago = Must eat hot dog. And everything else.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 12, 2013 at 12:30 pm |
“I’m tired of that “I can’t spoon feed you ice cream I’m holding a baby and watching the 4 other kids right now” excuse.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 12, 2013 at 12:31 pm |
“I dream of a time when strawberries actually tasted as good as strawberry flavored things”
peachfuzz1954 - May 12, 2013 at 12:32 pm |
“So twerking is just Russian tweeting right?”
peachfuzz1954 - May 12, 2013 at 12:32 pm |
“Been seeing Beyonce in a bunch of H & M billboards. Nice to see her finally get some work”
peachfuzz1954 - May 12, 2013 at 12:33 pm |
“Suddenly my soon to be first wife wants THIS published author to do non-book writer stuff like take off my own socks. Yeah Right! “
peachfuzz1954 - May 12, 2013 at 12:33 pm |
“To me all sports are extreme sports.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 16, 2013 at 1:07 pm |
“Patient: How bad is it? Doc, is it terminal? DR: It’s even worse it’s a JFK Airport terminal.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 16, 2013 at 1:08 pm |
“Fun Fact: A flight from NY to Los Angeles is shorter than driving from JFK airport to any part of NYC.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 16, 2013 at 1:08 pm |
“”This could be a terminal.” – architect of JFK airport looking at a dumpster.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 16, 2013 at 1:09 pm |
“You know God only had one child because he considered Sunday a day of rest.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 19, 2013 at 1:02 pm |
“What were people excited about before pretzel nubs filled with peanut butter?”
peachfuzz1954 - May 19, 2013 at 1:03 pm |
“My four year old daughter just asked her grandma, ‘”Why do you have witch hands?””
peachfuzz1954 - May 19, 2013 at 1:03 pm |
“”How about something as annoying as a parade but causes more traffic?” – Inventor if the street fair.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 19, 2013 at 1:04 pm |
“Just had my daily “favorite color” conversation with my four year old.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 19, 2013 at 1:04 pm |
“My favorite part about making breakfast for my children is either the fact that they don’t eat it or that I get yelled at for making a mess.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 19, 2013 at 1:05 pm |
“Is there any word better than didgeridoo?”
peachfuzz1954 - May 19, 2013 at 1:05 pm |
“A two year old can babysit a 7 month old, right?”
peachfuzz1954 - May 28, 2013 at 5:09 pm |
“If need a cranky little kid, I have an extra four”
peachfuzz1954 - May 28, 2013 at 5:09 pm |
“Just accidentally cut my 4 year old’s bagel and almost started World War 3.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 28, 2013 at 5:10 pm |
“My kids could’ve picked any ice cream and they picked rocky road. Should I be nervous? Are they from the 70’s? Don’t worry I’m eating it.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 28, 2013 at 5:10 pm |
“A two year old wiping their nose on your pants has to mean good luck in some culture.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 28, 2013 at 5:11 pm |
“Me: I brought your mom here for out first date.
My 7 year old: I remember that.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 28, 2013 at 5:12 pm |
“Mexican food is the best and I’m not just saying that because I’m Mexican.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 28, 2013 at 5:12 pm |
“I’m so tired. I thought it was allergies but now I think I’m pregnant.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 28, 2013 at 5:12 pm |
“You should have to pass a walking exam before you are allowed to carry an open umbrella”
peachfuzz1954 - May 28, 2013 at 5:14 pm |
“It’s sad nobody bothered to ask what that MGM lion was roaring about the beginning of movies.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 28, 2013 at 5:15 pm |
“Suddenly me naming my second gold platted golf cart “Bon vivant” is not considered down to earth? Au contraire!”
peachfuzz1954 - May 28, 2013 at 5:15 pm |
“I hate when people are elitist. Especially if they are my chauffeur.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 28, 2013 at 5:16 pm |
“American in Boston: These are some old buildings.
European in Boston; These are some new buildings.
Bostonian in Boston: Yankees suck!”
peachfuzz1954 - May 28, 2013 at 5:16 pm |
“I’m constantly amazed by how weird people are.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 28, 2013 at 5:17 pm |
“Can’t wait to find out what I will feel uncomfortable about tomorrow!”
peachfuzz1954 - May 28, 2013 at 5:17 pm |
“My four-year-old daughter: I wish there was a chocolate rain.
Me: Don’t we all.”
peachfuzz1954 - May 28, 2013 at 5:18 pm |
“”I don’t know why a four year old has sexier shoes than I do.” – My nine year old daughter”
peachfuzz1954 - June 9, 2013 at 3:22 pm |
““Good Morning.” – A Liar”
peachfuzz1954 - June 9, 2013 at 3:22 pm |
“Whenever I’m on a plane and the person next to me is talking loudly on the phone I always lean over and say, “Tell them I said Hi”.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 9, 2013 at 3:23 pm |
“I just had my second straight meal in a row with no red meat. I think I’m going to faint from an iron deficiency.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 9, 2013 at 3:24 pm |
“For the record, no one should be awake this early. This applies to all time zones during any part of the day.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 9, 2013 at 3:24 pm |
“I’ve never seen my 8-month-old floss. GROSS! OMG! No wonder he only has two teeth.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 9, 2013 at 3:25 pm |
“Is it possible to eat anything at the airport and not be disappointed?”
peachfuzz1954 - June 9, 2013 at 3:25 pm |
“Just read the Wikipedia page for “My Little Pony” because I’m a man, it’s Saturday night and having daughters hasn’t changed me.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 9, 2013 at 3:26 pm |
I remember when napping didn’t mean laying on the couch listening to my kids take turns yelling.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 9, 2013 at 3:26 pm |
“My 7 year old son just told me, “Dad I love falafels”. I was so proud.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 9, 2013 at 3:27 pm |
“I don’t want to brag but the hallway of my apartment building has became my office. “
peachfuzz1954 - June 9, 2013 at 3:27 pm |
“I could be the first person to die from taking a redeye or whining about it.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 9, 2013 at 3:28 pm |
“Looks like I’m the only one dressed like Batman on the subway again. Come on people!”
peachfuzz1954 - June 9, 2013 at 3:28 pm |
“Sometimes when I don’t want people to judge me for wearing my bathrobe in a restaurant I tell them that it is a wrap dress.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 9, 2013 at 3:29 pm |
“The morning is like the redeye flight of the day.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 9, 2013 at 3:29 pm |
“Taking a redeye is like going out drinking with your friends except instead of drinking with friends you’re sitting on a plane all night.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 9, 2013 at 3:29 pm |
“In some ways we are all just lonely people caught between iTunes updates.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 9, 2013 at 3:30 pm |
“I don’t mean to brag but I was just notified I’m in the Maxim Mediocre Million.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 9, 2013 at 3:31 pm |
“I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 12, 2013 at 1:32 pm |
“I prefer to sunbathe indoors on a bed with the lights out while watching TV and eating.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 12, 2013 at 3:36 pm |
“People that drink decaffeinated coffee should not be allowed to vote.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 14, 2013 at 2:06 pm |
“I think I pulled a back muscle eating a bratwurst yesterday. That can happen, right?”
peachfuzz1954 - June 19, 2013 at 2:07 pm |
“I can’t wait until Taco Bell starts selling vending machines.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 19, 2013 at 2:07 pm |
“When I was I dating my future wife I once found myself comparing her to a bratwurst. It was then that I realized I was serious about her.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 19, 2013 at 2:08 pm |
“The real question is should we trust people who don’t like cheese?”
peachfuzz1954 - June 19, 2013 at 2:09 pm |
“Deep fried cheese curds are like if French Fries and heaven had a baby.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 19, 2013 at 2:09 pm |
“Help me settle a bet. A trail mix can include donuts, right?”
peachfuzz1954 - June 19, 2013 at 2:10 pm |
“I’m probably the best at being humble.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 23, 2013 at 7:18 pm |
“No, no, let’s put the ‘c’ before the ‘s’ to mess with them.” -Person who decide on the spelling of Tucson.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 23, 2013 at 7:19 pm |
“”FIRST!” – What John Hancock was thinking when he signed the Declaration of Independence.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 23, 2013 at 7:19 pm |
“When I’m not hungry I just assume I’m sick.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 28, 2013 at 1:56 pm |
“I was just notified that I’m the last person on the planet to not have a tattoo.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 28, 2013 at 1:58 pm |
“My “Game of Thrones” opening would just be Lego representations of the unhealthy places I’ve eaten at in the past week.”
peachfuzz1954 - June 28, 2013 at 1:58 pm |
“It seems like the word dyslexic is unnecessarily difficult to spell, right?”
peachfuzz1954 - July 14, 2013 at 7:46 pm |
“”I like to eat things that look like cellulite” – Everyone eating Cottage Cheese”
peachfuzz1954 - July 14, 2013 at 7:46 pm |
“Trying to not look to deeply into the fact @jeanniegaffigan bought me a patron saint of lost causes candle.”
peachfuzz1954 - July 14, 2013 at 7:47 pm |
“Quiche, I don’t care what they say about you. I think you’re fabulous. Wait, did I just say fabulous? Quiche what have u done to me?”
peachfuzz1954 - July 14, 2013 at 7:48 pm |
“Has all the effort of peeling an orange ever really been worth it? “
peachfuzz1954 - July 14, 2013 at 7:48 pm |
““Can I have my own blog? Wait, what’s a blog?” – My 9 year old”
peachfuzz1954 - July 14, 2013 at 7:49 pm |
“Walking around the San Diego Zoo with my 5 screaming children announcing, “kids for sale!”. No takers yet.”
peachfuzz1954 - July 14, 2013 at 7:50 pm |
“Just a reminder: if you are annoyed by the number of children someone has or doesn’t have you’re crazy.”
peachfuzz1954 - July 14, 2013 at 7:51 pm |
“Has anyone wearing a neck brace ever NOT looked like they were faking it?”
peachfuzz1954 - July 14, 2013 at 7:52 pm |
“Anyone know if you do the Brazilian Butt Lift workout while eating cheeseburgers?”
peachfuzz1954 - July 14, 2013 at 7:52 pm |
“Most important inventions by humankind.
1. Wheel
2. Computer
3. Pretzel bread”
peachfuzz1954 - July 14, 2013 at 7:54 pm |
” I hate how babies act like they don’t care if it’s my birthday.”
peachfuzz1954 - July 14, 2013 at 7:55 pm |
“When you die can I have this?” – my 4 year old daughter holding my wallet.”
peachfuzz1954 - July 14, 2013 at 7:56 pm |
“I think guys that wear Speedos should have to wear the bikini top too.”
peachfuzz1954 - July 14, 2013 at 7:56 pm |
“Passengers clapping when my plane lands makes me almost wish we had crashed.”
peachfuzz1954 - July 14, 2013 at 7:57 pm |
“Just started Weight Watchers! No, that’s not it. I STOPPED waiting to eat or watching how much I gained.”
peachfuzz1954 - July 14, 2013 at 7:58 pm |
“I still not comfortable with how we spell coffee.”
peachfuzz1954 - July 14, 2013 at 7:59 pm |
“One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.”
peachfuzz1954 - July 14, 2013 at 8:01 pm |
“I realize there are consequences for getting fat and I plan to eat them.”
peachfuzz1954 - July 14, 2013 at 8:02 pm |
“My 7 year old just explained to my 9 year old, “Dad likes bulldogs because they kinda look like him.”
peachfuzz1954 - July 14, 2013 at 8:04 pm |
“Just spent 20 minutes trying to explain to my 7 year old who the grim reaper is.”
peachfuzz1954 - July 14, 2013 at 8:05 pm |
“”The healthier the chip, the harder it is to open the bag.” – Khalil Gibran”
peachfuzz1954 - July 14, 2013 at 8:05 pm |
“The pasta was amazing! It was like an angel’s hair. You know how when you think of angel and how you want to eat their hair?”
peachfuzz1954 - July 14, 2013 at 8:07 pm |
“A cucumber is just a pickle before it started drinking.”
peachfuzz1954 - July 18, 2013 at 2:15 pm |
“I’ve never even met a good mama jama”
peachfuzz1954 - July 18, 2013 at 2:15 pm |
“Is it possible to eat good Mexican food and not be in a good mood?”
peachfuzz1954 - July 18, 2013 at 2:16 pm |
“”Just say all the songs you know.” – my four year old”
peachfuzz1954 - July 18, 2013 at 2:17 pm |
“Think the person who invented dog food knew they came up with dog food? “What do you think of my new dish?” “I think dogs would love it.”
peachfuzz1954 - August 17, 2013 at 1:26 am |
“There’s something bitter sweet when there is no ice cream in our house because of course this means I just ate all the ice cream.”
peachfuzz1954 - August 17, 2013 at 1:27 am |
“Has a strawberry ever tasted as good as fake strawberry flavoring?”
peachfuzz1954 - August 17, 2013 at 1:27 am |
“A restaurant that doesn’t have a hamburger on the menu is like a USA Today without the sports section”
peachfuzz1954 - August 17, 2013 at 1:28 am |
“Remember that lullaby I would sing to you when you were a baby?
My 7 year old: Yeah, it creeped me out”
peachfuzz1954 - August 17, 2013 at 1:29 am |
“My doctor just told me I can’t play in ANY of the @NFL preseason games and that I need to see a mental health pro. Seeking another opinion.”
peachfuzz1954 - August 17, 2013 at 1:30 am |
“There’s no place like home but a zoo is pretty similar. “
peachfuzz1954 - August 17, 2013 at 1:30 am |
“My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.”
peachfuzz1954 - August 17, 2013 at 1:31 am |
“Well, it’s almost time to show up late for something else.”
peachfuzz1954 - August 17, 2013 at 1:31 am |
“Driving along i94 in Michigan to Detroit. Are Adult Super Stores really necessary? “Where can I get a case of vibrators?””
peachfuzz1954 - August 17, 2013 at 1:32 am |
“Whenever I feel unproductive I remind myself that I have 5 kids and @netfix streaming.”
peachfuzz1954 - August 17, 2013 at 1:34 am |
“What is the point of MILD cheddar cheese?”
peachfuzz1954 - August 17, 2013 at 1:34 am |
“Quick question. If someone accidentally ate a very large chocolate scented candle, what advice would you give me? I mean them.”
peachfuzz1954 - August 17, 2013 at 1:39 am |
“God should just let Delta run purgatory.”
peachfuzz1954 - August 17, 2013 at 1:41 am |
“Eating healthy in Wisconsin makes as much sense as going to rehab in Amsterdam.”
peachfuzz1954 - August 17, 2013 at 1:43 am |
“Market Price is just code for you can’t afford it, right?”
peachfuzz1954 - August 17, 2013 at 1:43 am |
“Everyone talks about “good fats and bad fats”. I like to think of myself as good fat.”
peachfuzz1954 - August 17, 2013 at 1:44 am |
“Is it really necessary to identify anything as a MOTEL? “I’d stay at that hotel but I have a car.”
peachfuzz1954 - August 17, 2013 at 1:45 am |
“After a stranger give me directions I always look at them with puppy eyes and say, “Can you carry me?””
peachfuzz1954 - August 17, 2013 at 1:46 am |
“I can’t wait until fast food places start offering euthanasia.”
peachfuzz1954 - September 5, 2013 at 12:58 pm |
“I know I have a weight issue. I’m not delusional. I know could lose one pound. Maybe a pound and half. “
peachfuzz1954 - September 5, 2013 at 12:58 pm |
“I’m starting to think I’ll never lose this baby weight.”
peachfuzz1954 - September 5, 2013 at 12:59 pm |
“I like to think of myself as the Dr Oz of unhealthy eating.”
peachfuzz1954 - September 5, 2013 at 1:00 pm |
“I can’t wait for fall. It’s my favorite day of the year.”
peachfuzz1954 - September 5, 2013 at 1:01 pm |
““How about a cucumber but even more boring.” – Pitch for the zucchini”
peachfuzz1954 - September 5, 2013 at 1:02 pm |
““Just put that anywhere.” – Every 4 year old’s approach to discarding chewed gum”
peachfuzz1954 - September 5, 2013 at 1:02 pm |
“Just traversed an entire city block with a walking 2 year old in under 40 minutes”
peachfuzz1954 - September 5, 2013 at 1:03 pm |
“If only life were a competition to gather the most clothes “that will fit me when I lose a couple pounds.”
peachfuzz1954 - September 5, 2013 at 1:04 pm |
“Hey where do I go to get paid for being a parent again?”
peachfuzz1954 - September 5, 2013 at 1:05 pm |
“Since when is a gift certificate for a Brazilian wax not an appropriate birthday gift for a 4 year old?”
peachfuzz1954 - September 5, 2013 at 1:05 pm |
“This eating myself to death is taking forever.”
peachfuzz1954 - September 12, 2013 at 8:03 am |
“Can someone eventually explain what the hell Popeye the sailorman has to do with fried chicken?”
peachfuzz1954 - September 12, 2013 at 8:04 am |
“At what age is it no longer cute to wear a Superman cape? Lately, I’ve been getting some weird looks.”
peachfuzz1954 - September 12, 2013 at 8:05 am |
“I can’t wait until my children discover the difference between a napkin and my pants.”
peachfuzz1954 - September 12, 2013 at 8:06 am |
““Instead of a “donut hole” let’s just call it a “munchkin.” That’s probably not offensive to little people at all.”
peachfuzz1954 - September 12, 2013 at 8:07 am |
“Just watched my 9 year old use a penne pasta as a straw to suck up parmesan cheese”
peachfuzz1954 - September 12, 2013 at 8:08 am |
“Just thinking about a vegetable tray makes me sad”
peachfuzz1954 - September 12, 2013 at 8:09 am |
““Daddy, can I use your iPhone?” = “Can I delete and rearrange the apps on your phone?”
peachfuzz1954 - September 12, 2013 at 8:10 am |
“Boy, pet stores don’t like it when you ask, “What is the most delicious animal you sell here?””
peachfuzz1954 - September 12, 2013 at 8:11 am |
“Interesting Fact: In NYC there are more drugstores than sick people.”
peachfuzz1954 - October 23, 2013 at 4:49 pm |
“Me: You look very handsome in that tie.
My 7-year-old son: Don’t worry Dad, bald guys are awesome.”
peachfuzz1954 - October 23, 2013 at 4:50 pm |
“Advantage of being super pale. People on the internet send u that photo of albino Indian family once a week & ask, “Is this your family?””
peachfuzz1954 - October 23, 2013 at 4:51 pm |
“Advantage of being super pale. To compensate for racial profiling at airport you get randomly selected!”
peachfuzz1954 - October 23, 2013 at 4:52 pm |
“Advantage of being super pale: Legs look like uncooked Brautwurst in shorts!”
peachfuzz1954 - October 23, 2013 at 4:52 pm |
“Advantage of being super pale: Sunscreen is not only absolutely necessary but makes you whiter!”
peachfuzz1954 - October 23, 2013 at 4:53 pm |
“Just told my 4-year-old daughter that the chocolate pudding I’m eating was made with human blood.”
peachfuzz1954 - October 23, 2013 at 4:54 pm |
“Researchers have discovered eating bacon lowers sperm count and that researchers waste time & money instead of finding a cure for cancer.”
peachfuzz1954 - October 23, 2013 at 4:56 pm |
“Enough with trying create a universal remote control. How about one that bounces?”
peachfuzz1954 - October 23, 2013 at 4:57 pm |
“When is someone going to open a grocery that sells only donuts and bagels and call it Hole Foods?
peachfuzz1954 - October 23, 2013 at 4:59 pm |
“Based on the contents of my 2-year-old son’s diaper, he needs to stop eating zombies from The Walking Dead.”
peachfuzz1954 - October 23, 2013 at 5:00 pm |
“If you’re having a bad day go ask a two-year-old to say Sasquatch”
peachfuzz1954 - October 23, 2013 at 5:01 pm |
“How about a really bad food court where planes land? – Pitch for every airport.”
peachfuzz1954 - October 23, 2013 at 5:01 pm |
“Nothing will ever be as interesting to me as the printer is to my one year old.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 20, 2013 at 9:24 pm |
“I tell with all these holiday cookies and food gifts I’m totally eating how I normally do.”:
peachfuzz1954 - December 20, 2013 at 9:25 pm |
“It’s amazing there are no love songs about everything bagels.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 20, 2013 at 9:25 pm |
“Those e holiday cards make me think we should go back to killing trees.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 20, 2013 at 9:26 pm |
“Can someone come to my apartment and make me a sandwich already! Do I have to do everything? Jeez.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 20, 2013 at 9:26 pm |
“For the record, you guys have made 2013 so fun on social media. Just kidding. We are all wasting our lives!!!”
peachfuzz1954 - December 20, 2013 at 9:27 pm |
“Probably the best part of wearing glasses in the winter is how they fog up when you come indoors and make you look like a serial killer.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 20, 2013 at 9:27 pm |
“How did people even WATCH television before hummus and Triscuits?”
peachfuzz1954 - December 20, 2013 at 9:27 pm |
“My problem is that I’m not good at the being awake part of life.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 20, 2013 at 9:28 pm |
“I’m so good at snowboarding I use two snowboards.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 20, 2013 at 9:28 pm |
“Just ate a salad at the airport. Looks like the Cubs are going to win next year’s World Series.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 20, 2013 at 9:29 pm |
“Nothing say Happy Holidays and I hope you get diabetes like a McDonald’s gift certificates.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 20, 2013 at 9:30 pm |
“It’s interesting how LA traffic can make you miss really cold weather.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 20, 2013 at 9:30 pm |
“The term combo in Combos Snacks refers to the fact purchasing the item is both a cry for help & an announcement that u are a lost cause.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 20, 2013 at 9:31 pm |
“The best part of being at the airport before 6am is the knowledge that we all are going to die.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 20, 2013 at 9:31 pm |
“I hope I never have to choose between my children and garlic bread.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 20, 2013 at 9:32 pm |
“Since when is twerking on a plane not cool? It’s a flight to Vegas after all!”
peachfuzz1954 - December 20, 2013 at 9:33 pm |
“Interesting Fact: Delta Business Class is as relaxing and boring as taking a class on business”
peachfuzz1954 - December 20, 2013 at 9:33 pm |
“Good News: I was just cast as the Wonder Bread Woman.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 20, 2013 at 9:34 pm |
“I wish I had the energy to have a nervous breakdown.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 20, 2013 at 9:35 pm |
““How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December”
peachfuzz1954 - December 20, 2013 at 9:35 pm |
“Honey dew melons are the throw pillows of the fruit plate.”
peachfuzz1954 - December 20, 2013 at 9:35 pm |
“Am I the only one that finds those Ancestory ads suspicious? “Give us all your personal data and we’ll tell you who your Grandpa is”
peachfuzz1954 - January 28, 2014 at 6:00 am |
“How about something that tastes like tuna salad that has been left outside for a year?” – Pitch for Salmon
peachfuzz1954 - January 28, 2014 at 6:01 am |
“It’s as if every 2 year old has been instructed to eat in the most ridiculous way possible.”
peachfuzz1954 - January 28, 2014 at 6:01 am |
“If there were frequent flyer points given for boxes of Triscuits consumed I’d be living in Hawaii right now.”
peachfuzz1954 - January 28, 2014 at 6:02 am |
“Even the spelling of medieval is medieval.”
peachfuzz1954 - January 28, 2014 at 6:02 am |
“It’s amazing how taking a shower makes you clean but asking a stranger at Arby’s to take a shower with you is somehow dirty.”
peachfuzz1954 - January 28, 2014 at 6:03 am |
“What is the difference between syrup and spit with sugar in it?”
peachfuzz1954 - January 28, 2014 at 6:04 am |
“Anyone who doesn’t love Mexican food is just a sociopath.”
peachfuzz1954 - January 28, 2014 at 6:04 am |
“If a hamburger and bean soup had a baby it would be chili.”
peachfuzz1954 - January 28, 2014 at 6:05 am |
“Why did God make kittens so cute AND delicious?”
peachfuzz1954 - January 28, 2014 at 6:05 am |
“here is nothing pathetic about crouching over ur computer in ur underwear trying to gain the approval of strangers over the internet. “
peachfuzz1954 - January 28, 2014 at 6:06 am |
“A chocolate band-aid. For my boo boo on the inside. “
peachfuzz1954 - January 28, 2014 at 6:07 am |
“I think it’s cute how they make the Orlando airport TSA experience mimic the DisneyWorld lines”
peachfuzz1954 - January 28, 2014 at 6:07 am |
“How I rationalize eating fried chicken and waffles. “I know it’s lunch but I’d like breakfast and a heart attack.”
peachfuzz1954 - January 28, 2014 at 6:08 am |
“Every night it feels like my kids are auditioning for The Omen and The Exorcist.”
peachfuzz1954 - January 28, 2014 at 6:08 am |
“Just googled pictures of cheese steaks because it’s almost 10 in the morning.”
peachfuzz1954 - January 28, 2014 at 6:09 am |
“Ok winter I get it. I’m a pussy.”
peachfuzz1954 - January 28, 2014 at 6:10 am |
“Maybe Subway could raise the price of their subs so they could make commercials that are watchable.”
peachfuzz1954 - January 28, 2014 at 6:10 am |