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After-Effects of Being Hit By A Truck While Bike Riding!

I have decided to do a rather unusual post here.
On July 27, 2009, I was bike riding, & got “T-BONED” by a Chevy Suburban.

While the medical bills from this are bad enough, (& it wasn’t even my fault!), I would like to focus on the psychological effects of what has happened to me at this time.

I had lost 60-90 minutes of memory from this accident, & that is part of my issue here.

Since that accident, I have been experiencing bouts of extreme despair, & hopelesness. I have lost so much interest in things that I used to love-especially about spending so much time online.

I used to spend 6-10 hours a day, EVERYDAY, online, because I only work 12 hours a week, (when there IS work for me).

But it is this memory loss, that I think is the cause of why I have lost interest in all that I used to love.

I can’t say for sure, because I am no psychologist, but I am really beginning to think that this memory loss is the source of all my problems.

That period of time, between the moment that I was hit, & the time I remember regaining consiousness in the hospital is inaccessible to me, because I don’t remember anything IN that time period!

But it has been driving me nuts, anywhere from simply being depressed, to more than a few major thoughts of suicide! (And I have already have gone 2/3 of the way in preparing for this possibility, by crushing up the pills that I will use, to make swallowing them easier, & videotaping a suicide note).

It has been affecting my sleeping habits as well. I have found myself going to bed at 3-4pm & sleeping till midnight, & then waking up & not being able to get back to sleep.

So often, I have woken up in absolute pain, (not physical as such, but, internal, in my mind), that I couldn’t do anything by almost cry out-“I want to die!” “Just let me die!”, or “I want to forget!” “Let me forget!”

But the question comes down to this:

If it IS the supressed memory of being hit that I want to to forget-how can I forget what I can’t remember?

That is what I am dealing with, & which will probably be the LITERAL death of me, because I can’t find anyone to help me deal with what I have been going through, just as I have had no one to help me deal with the aftermath of being hit, when I was hospitalized, or in dealing with the financial end of this accident! I have been all alone throughout this entire mess!

I do have personal injury lawyers working on getting a settlement for me, but I have no idea when that will be finalized. All I can do is hope that it will at least cover their fee & my bills, (which at present are approaching $40,000, at the time of this writing!)

And maybe that is also why I want to die. Or maybe it is a combination of not getting enough to cover my bill, the memory of being hit, or not having anyone to help me deal with all of this mess.

I don’t know.

But all I see is my own death looming in the distance, but moving closer all the time.

I feel like my time on this earth is drawing to a close in the near future.

IF,(and more likely, WHEN), it happens, I will welcome it.

 

 

 

 

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