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Thoughts of a Suicidal Person

Have you ever wondered what goes on in the mind of a suicidal person? Well, I would like to tell you what happens, at least in my life, because I am suicidal.

On July 27th, I was bike riding, & was “T-BONED” by a truck. Since that day, I have been going through a depression that not that many people can really understand.

Everyday, for at least 4-5 months since I was hit, to say my life is a living hell, would be something of an understatement. Every waking moment, in my mind, I am screaming in pain 24/7, because I think I want to forget being hit. The problem, is that I cannot REMEMBER being hit! I don’t remember anything from the moment I WAS hit, to an hour or so AFTER I was hit, when I woke up in the hospital. I think that is why, inside, I am screaming in pain-because I want to forget & can’t!

But that is not all. It is not just the internal screaming 24/7, that is making my life a living hell. It is also that am crying, the constant internal crying, 24/7, that I hurt, & want my life to end. Nobody understands how I feel, & I have never been more alone than I am right now. I can’t afford any psychological help, I can’t even find any low cost help, & I very much feel like that the world doesn’t give a damn about me. I am a nobody to everyone & everything. Outside of my dad calling me once every few months, (he’s a widower, & I’m a bachelor, so we don’t need to talk to each other every week, because neither of our lives are that interesting.) If it weren’t for us talking every few months, my younger sister & brothers wouldn’t even know if I were dead or alive, because if I hear from them once or twice a year, i am lucky. They all have their own families, & can’t be concerned what is going on in my life. And before anyone says anything-yes, i HAVE made more than my share of overtures to them, to keep in contact, but they simply aren’t interested.

Then there is the financial end as a result of what happened. Though I was not at fault, that doesn’t mean that there still aren’t the medical bills, that have resulted from this. Mine are currently over $40,000 at present, & if the settlement that the personal injury lawyers I hired isn’t enough to cover their fee & my bills-I AM SCREWED! So I have THIS hanging over my head as well!

Does anyone have any questions now, as to WHY I am suicidal?
Why I want to end my existence?

I was so close today to actually suceding in killing myself! I got a call from billing services, for the constant blood tests that I have to have. 3 days after I got out of the hospital, I had to go back, because the pain in my left leg, (the side i got hit on), was about 30, on a pain scale of 0-10! I made it to the hospital, (somehow), & told the ER personal what was going on. They did an ultrasound on my left leg, & found this huge blood clot in my lower left leg. So, it’s back into the hospital for another 4 days, & put on blood thinners. I think that it was this time that the depression that I am feeling, really started to hit me. I really DId want die. I was so hoping that this clot would kill me.

Well, obviously, it didn’t, but I have been on blood thinners since I got out of the hospital, which means that there have to be constant blood tests, until my blood stabilizes at a constant thickness, so there won’t be any danger of a clot forming again, even though I wish it would, & it WOULD kill me.

Now, I know, people will say, that it is selfish for me to want to kill myself. You know what? “I DON’T CARE!!” I don’t care about anything! I just want the psychological pain that I am in to end! I have had it! The way things are going, since I am always getting closer & closer to suceeding, I am really hoping that I will be dead by Christmas time.

I can only hope.

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